Favorite one liners from comedians

Scroll to see replies

I have one of those fridge magnets that says:

" Don't judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes, then they are a mile away and you have their shoes!!"

Hardly original but still made me laugh when I first heard it.

Reply 21

DENNIS_MENACE

'Does an earl who gets an OBE become an earlobe?' Milton Jones

'I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement i saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.' Milton Jones

Reply 22

jen

these_apples

Also another Jimmy Carr one liner in response to Michelle McMannus's 4 stone weight loss.

"Thats like throwing a deck chair off the titanic"
:biggrin:

that is so damn funny!

whilst driving the other day i spotted a sign by a special needs school which said 'slow-children,' i thought 'that cant do much for their self esteem.' but then again they probably cant read. - jimmy carr

lmao

i rang up the local take away the other day and asked 'do you deliver?' the bloke said 'no, we do chicken, beef and fish.' - peter kay/ dave spikey lol

hahaha :smile:

Reply 23

DENNIS_MENACE

jen- that peter kay quote was dave spikey's

'I'll have an Xtra large Big Mac with all the trimmings. super french fries and a ... diet Coke!' The dad says 'Careful love, you'll fall down a plug hole'. I said 'A Plug hole? She wouldn't fall down a man hole!' Dave Spikey

Reply 24

Sopheh

Not sure if it's a one liner but it's pretty cool.

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams.. what a dude!

Reply 25

username21537

a couple of bill's

"im a vegiatarian. Im not strict. I eat fish.....and duck. they're nearly fish anyway..."

"any vegans in?
*some go woo*
"any hardcore vegans? Those that wont drive through towns with ham in their name"

"Im a post modern vegitarian. I eat meat ironically"

Reply 26

DeLboY

Tommy Cooper..

"it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any."

'Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."'

Reply 27

tjblue8

^^ genius...the frst one..tommy cooper

Reply 28

.:fluff:.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." - Jimmy Carr

saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". - Mark Watson

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. - Patrick Monahan

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. - Scott Capurro

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" - Arnold Brown

just a few :biggrin:

Reply 29

jen

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. - Scott Capurro

that is so funny! :smile:

Reply 30

Trousers

'Cigarettes are very like weasels. Perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.' - Boothby Graffoe.

That's the quote I drag out every time one of these threads crops up, because it's the funniest thing in the whole world. Ever.

Reply 31

SuperhansFavouriteAlsatian

"I don't know what was going through the head of the American soldier when he pulled the trigger, but i know what was going through the Iraqi's - a bullet."

Jimmy Carr

Reply 32

hippieglitter

Outside a dog a book is a mans best friend, inside a dog its too dark to read - Groucho Marx

Reply 33

fr browne

You know I'm the only Iraqi comedian, yeah true, at least that makes us 3 more than Germany -Omid Djali

Reply 34

EPD

Trousers

Boothby Graffoe is a comedy God.

Reply 35

DENNIS_MENACE

Boothby is brilliant. I once saw him at the Comedy store and his was really good at improvising as well. The fire alarm accidently went off and his sharp mind quickly pointed out that 'The Fire Exits are marked by the finger nails of the previous audience.'

'Iraq, afghanistan, sudan. Cor, that was a badly planned cycle holiday' Milton Jones