The Student Room Group

I really like him- but then I slept with someone else, what do I do?

Sorry for what is going to be a wall of text- I tend to go on.
(We are both in our early 20's btw)

So basically I've been seeing this guy for about a 2 months- whom I really genuinely like, which doesn't happen very often for me, generally I just focus on my friends/family and work. The last time I really liked someone he was just so not into me and really led me on, so I get apprehensive, so I was suprised how quickly I actually fell for this other guy after just one date- it was actually more of like an hour of his company and I was sold.

We get on really well- so many things I can relate to with him from family issues to world affairs- and even when we aren't talking it doesn't feel awkward, which is a huge problem I had with my ex, he make me feel uncomfortable for not saying something constantly- he made me feel uncomfortable generally in the end, is now on the 'list' of what was I thinking?

Back to the guy at current hand. However- not everything is perfect. I was actually the one to pursue him, as he works locally and I (drunkenly) flirted with him when he was working and I was out for a mates birthday. This continued all night with just casual flirting- you have no idea how much money I spent on drinks that night just for a reason to talk to him. Anyway I ended up leaving that night to go to a club without his number or anything. Fast forward after a week of cringing at myself about my behaviour (it wasn't that bad I'm just melodramatic) a guy mate of mine dragged me back into the place and insisted I got his number. So after about 6 vodka shots I bit the bullet and it obviously worked.

Fast forward another week and we were planning to go out for a drink around 8 o clock but ended up meeting eachother at like 1 in the afternoon (his idea not mine) and that's where it all began. Usually on like first dates I tend to try and avoid the heavy kind of subjects but after about an hour we were talking about everything and anything.

The next time I looked at the time it was about 8 o clock and we decided to go have dinner and then as it was a saturday night we ended up in a club- till about 7 in the morning, then had breakfast somewhere and ended up back at mine till about 7 o clock in the evening till he had to go to work. No sex or anything but by this time we were acting like a couple- yno as you do after a drunken night out- longest, yet best date of my entire life and since then they continue to be like this- I'll see him about once a week but it's in long bursts and since have started sleeping together.

He isn't the type to have a girlfriend apparently- which I accept and I'm not neccessarily trying to change his mind, even though I do really like him- all I want is to not be ignored so if he wants to end it- he must say not just bugger off into oblivion. So in aid of trying to not get my feelings hurt- I believe the last time I was seeing a guy (the one I spoke of previously) I put way too much into it and didn't branch out enough.

So now we actually come to the problem at hand. I've been dating a few other guys, like really casually but I just can't really get into it with them because I am literally sat there looking at them, wishing it were him, which I know isn't fair on anyone. The problem is, yesterday I went out with some people I work with and one of the guys I work with has always expressed an interest in me and we will casually flirt with eachother, just to make things more interesting as well I guess.

We ended up sleeping together- and we were both so drunk I actually don't remember much of it- other than I actually bolted afterwards, which I do kind of feel bad about because he is a lovely guy- just not my guy. I'm rather ashamed of myself because I never, ever, ever do things like this, I am strictly one of those people who only has sex with guys who I am in a commited relationship with.
But now I've slept with one because I like him so much and the other because I'm trying to not like the other one as much and am starting to become a person who I am not usually (no offence to anyone who has casual sex, I'm not really bothered about it in a prudish way, I just don't do it usually).

My issue is the guy who I really like- well we have actually never had a conversation about how exclusive it is, he kind of brings things up in conversation every now and then about how people call me his girlfriend but I just blank it because I know he's not into that, so why ruin it by having an awkward conversation. I'm seeing him in the week and I don't know whether to just be like look do you want me to see other people or not? or just tell me generally what you want. Because honestly honestly, even though I am falling for him, I have got it in my head that I don't really care either way and even though we are not in this 'commited relationship' and it's most likely he will just do something that hurts me, I know eventually I will get over it. I sound like a complete cynic.
Is it a good idea to just come clean with him and enquire as to what the hell he wants, if anything? I don't even know if he has been seeing other people either and to be honest I don't really want to know but on the other hand I don't want him to hear on the grape vine that such and such has happened and then wires get crossed and all this. Oh and did I mention I actually feel incredibly guilty for sleeping with the other guy even though I'm not in a relationship and it's fair game I suppose.

The short version, without all the unneccesary details that I can't help but put in:
I've been seeing this guy for a few months- who I really like- but decided in my own mind to date other people as well without having an conversation with the first guy on how he feels about this. I ended up sleeping with a guy I work with yesterday and don't really have any feelings towards him. So after this I just want to know whether now it is a good idea to just sit down the first guy and lay it all out and ask him what he thinks- baring in mind he is the most laid back non chalant relationship avoider I have ever met.


Sorry for the length of the post and possible spelling errors, it's now getting onto 4.30 am and I've been writing this for too long.

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Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous


Sorry for the length of the post and possible spelling errors, it's now getting onto 4.30 am and I've been writing this for too long.


Er yeah this was kind of too long so I didn't read all of it. But from what I did gather: he told you that he doesn't want a girlfriend, so this implies a non-sexually exclusive relationship. The fact that you were happy to 'see' other guys and openly flirt with them seems to suggest that you know this anyway. If you're not actually going uot with him, you have no obligation to remain faithful to him OR to tell him about this incident. And you SHOULDN'T tell him. Either he won't care, in which case you'll be upset, or he'll get jealous and upset, in which case you might have ruined the potential to build a relationship with him in future.

You have no need to feel guilty, but it sounds like you're pretty into this guy and might want something more with him, eventually at least. Maybe focus on the future and don't dwell on this one meaningless thing.
My brain died at the length of the OP. And the answer is simple. Tell him.
Well, you cheated. You either tell him, or you don't.

Surely it doesn't require an anonymous, melodramatic post on an internet forum for you to figure out what to do. :curious: Why can't you figure out yourself if you want to tell him?
Just be like, 'have you been seeing other people?' to him. Then you'll know where you stand and you can go from there.
Reply 5
You need to find out where you stand, or you will go crazy thinking about it.
Reply 6
No need to tell him, but if you want to know if he's seeing other girls then just bring it up some time and ask him straight. He may well lie, though, either by saying yes or no. Do you know his friends? Think of other ways to judge what he gets up to.

But, be careful what you wish for - a large part of your attraction towards him may be based on that uncertainty and the assumption that he could have other girls.

I've been there (as the guy) and "she" can suddenly lose interest when it's revealed that actually I'm only seeing her.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by sil3nt_cha0s
Well, you cheated. You either tell him, or you don't.

Surely it doesn't require an anonymous, melodramatic post on an internet forum for you to figure out what to do. :curious: Why can't you figure out yourself if you want to tell him?


And how does one "cheat" on someone they're not in a relationship with? :curious:
Original post by cttp_ngaf
No need to tell him, but if you want to know if he's seeing other girls then just bring it up some time and ask him straight. He may well lie, though, either by saying yes or no. Do you know his friends? Think of other ways to judge what he gets up to.

But, be careful what you wish for - a large part of your attraction towards him may be based on that uncertainty and the assumption that he could have other girls.

I've been there (as the guy) and "she" can suddenly lose interest when it's revealed that actually I'm only seeing her.


This is true, and im a girl.

But there are ways to go about it and keep her interested.:wink:
Reply 9
Slags will be slags. What can you say?
Original post by anonymous
this is true, and im a girl.

But there are ways to go about it and keep her interested.:wink:


tell me the secret!
Reply 11
I can't say a woman saying "I slept with other men" has ever made me more attracted to a woman. Nor have any skills she gained in that relationship. You could try to push a relationship.
Original post by Anonymous
Sorry for what is going to be a wall of text- I tend to go on.
(We are both in our early 20's btw)

So basically I've been seeing this guy for about a 2 months- whom I really genuinely like, which doesn't happen very often for me, generally I just focus on my friends/family and work. The last time I really liked someone he was just so not into me and really led me on, so I get apprehensive, so I was suprised how quickly I actually fell for this other guy after just one date- it was actually more of like an hour of his company and I was sold.

We get on really well- so many things I can relate to with him from family issues to world affairs- and even when we aren't talking it doesn't feel awkward, which is a huge problem I had with my ex, he make me feel uncomfortable for not saying something constantly- he made me feel uncomfortable generally in the end, is now on the 'list' of what was I thinking?

Back to the guy at current hand. However- not everything is perfect. I was actually the one to pursue him, as he works locally and I (drunkenly) flirted with him when he was working and I was out for a mates birthday. This continued all night with just casual flirting- you have no idea how much money I spent on drinks that night just for a reason to talk to him. Anyway I ended up leaving that night to go to a club without his number or anything. Fast forward after a week of cringing at myself about my behaviour (it wasn't that bad I'm just melodramatic) a guy mate of mine dragged me back into the place and insisted I got his number. So after about 6 vodka shots I bit the bullet and it obviously worked.

Fast forward another week and we were planning to go out for a drink around 8 o clock but ended up meeting eachother at like 1 in the afternoon (his idea not mine) and that's where it all began.
Usually on like first dates I tend to try and avoid the heavy kind of subjects but after about an hour we were talking about everything and anything.

The next time I looked at the time it was about 8 o clock and we decided to go have dinner and then as it was a saturday night we ended up in a club- till about 7 in the morning, then had breakfast somewhere and ended up back at mine till about 7 o clock in the evening till he had to go to work. No sex or anything but by this time we were acting like a couple- yno as you do after a drunken night out- longest, yet best date of my entire life and since then they continue to be like this- I'll see him about once a week but it's in long bursts and since have started sleeping together.

He isn't the type to have a girlfriend apparently- which I accept and I'm not neccessarily trying to change his mind, even though I do really like him- all I want is to not be ignored so if he wants to end it- he must say not just bugger off into oblivion. So in aid of trying to not get my feelings hurt- I believe the last time I was seeing a guy (the one I spoke of previously) I put way too much into it and didn't branch out enough.

So now we actually come to the problem at hand. I've been dating a few other guys, like really casually but I just can't really get into it with them because I am literally sat there looking at them, wishing it were him, which I know isn't fair on anyone. The problem is, yesterday I went out with some people I work with and one of the guys I work with has always expressed an interest in me and we will casually flirt with eachother, just to make things more interesting as well I guess.

We ended up sleeping together- and we were both so drunk I actually don't remember much of it- other than I actually bolted afterwards, which I do kind of feel bad about because he is a lovely guy- just not my guy. I'm rather ashamed of myself because I never, ever, ever do things like this, I am strictly one of those people who only has sex with guys who I am in a commited relationship with.
But now I've slept with one because I like him so much and the other because I'm trying to not like the other one as much and am starting to become a person who I am not usually (no offence to anyone who has casual sex, I'm not really bothered about it in a prudish way, I just don't do it usually).

My issue is the guy who I really like- well we have actually never had a conversation about how exclusive it is, he kind of brings things up in conversation every now and then about how people call me his girlfriend but I just blank it because I know he's not into that, so why ruin it by having an awkward conversation. I'm seeing him in the week and I don't know whether to just be like look do you want me to see other people or not? or just tell me generally what you want. Because honestly honestly, even though I am falling for him, I have got it in my head that I don't really care either way and even though we are not in this 'commited relationship' and it's most likely he will just do something that hurts me, I know eventually I will get over it. I sound like a complete cynic.
Is it a good idea to just come clean with him and enquire as to what the hell he wants, if anything? I don't even know if he has been seeing other people either and to be honest I don't really want to know but on the other hand I don't want him to hear on the grape vine that such and such has happened and then wires get crossed and all this. Oh and did I mention I actually feel incredibly guilty for sleeping with the other guy even though I'm not in a relationship and it's fair game I suppose.





That was hideously long, don't expect anyone to read that all the way through, that must have taken you hours haven't you anything better to do with your time other than shagging and writing pages and pages of crap? Anyway I have highlighted for you the only information you needed to tell us, anything I have not highlighted didn't need to be mentioned, such as your breakfast and how many alcoholic drinks you had, you only had to tell us the basics no wonder it was so long.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Pink Bullets
And how does one "cheat" on someone they're not in a relationship with? :curious:


Well she was dating him, so it's almost the same thing.
Original post by sil3nt_cha0s
Well she was dating him, so it's almost the same thing.


If you're 12.
Original post by Pink Bullets
If you're 12.


It depends how serious he thought the dating was.
Original post by BrutalGuy
I am a 27 year old who has only had one girlfriend and she slept with someone else when I was 18. Never was with anyone again. And you know why?Don't tell him that you screwing around with other men? Having sex with randoms you barely know? Looking at others while dating someone else?I wouldn't even bother with anyone doing that crap. I find that disgusting and that leads to diseases. Which then you spread to the person you like. This is also why I absolutely hate alcohol. Makes people stupid. And the fact you are wanting them but are with someone else? They don't mean barely anything to you if you can do that to someone you like. If you truly like someone you wouldn't go after other guys. You wouldn't sleep around. This society and peer pressure pushers on all these types of forums, their advice is garbage. Sex matters and its one of the most sacred and intimate acts you can do with someone and people treat this like a day out or candy. For me, I date one person and that's it. No funny business or bull****. But if they are dating casually without regard to your feelings? They are not worth the time or money. Also the more one sleeps around the more they will divorce someone if they were to be married. Statistics. The more you have shared sex with others the more likely chance you are always going to have divorces. 12 or more it's ranked that those people will have 20-17% success at full long term marriages. The divorce rate is through the roof in our modern age and it's because people can't help themselves when it comes to desire, or loneliness, can be many reasons. But the more partners one has the more likely they are not worth marriage. Because they will divorce you. And I look for marriage. But seems so many woman these days like I see on the forums everywhere think sex is just candy and you shouldn't tell your partner how many people you have shared intimate feelings with. OR EVEN IF THEY SLEPT WITH SOMEONE WHEN YOU WERE DATING THEM. Just disgusting and someone has to be real about it. Not religious, but spiritual. And yes I do judge people for their past. A cheater will most likely cheat again. And someone who sleeps around is most probable going to sleep around if you have a fight with them one day. Or could be other reasons. Or if you have a break for a week and they go have a sex binge, they don't care about you at all. Cause sex is just sex to them. And I guess one can tell this stupid nonsense has happened to me. Woman can be harpies and not trustworthy at all. That's why I have high standards when it comes to looking for a partner. If you can't control your sexual urges when dating someone and sleep with someone else, you're not worth the time. I don't really care if this is insulting or offensive. It's just my experiences and what I have tallied up when dealing with the opposite sex. I have been treated like **** in relationships. And when someone says they really like you but then **** some random douche who treats them like **** for one night out they don't care about you at all. And I have realized the more you grow older the less chance you are going to ever have found someone cause sexual partners grows steadily between each person. Some rapidly. AND if you are dating someone even if it's

1) no one is gonna read this
2) 8 years late
3) if one more person revives an old ass thread like this I’ll rip my hair out
Original post by Aaryra
1) no one is gonna read this
2) 8 years late
3) if one more person revives an old ass thread like this I’ll rip my hair out

So? I can respond to anything I want. Even if it's old. People need more thoughts then a huge reposting of the same people saying "do this". I don't really see anyone having differing opinions. And literally I am seeing girls say don't tell him you slept with someone else. That is the type of woman I never want in my life. People ask for advice and I will give mine. And it may help someone in the future. Even if it's years old.

People want the best possible partner and if people can improve and be decent and patient in relationships or looking to find someone without sleeping with half the town then relationships would be far more better in the long run. Globally. People want to go fast and be fast. Like in relationships without thinking about the consequences these days. Sex leads to babies. If you have sex with a person you are with, you should of thought exactly how they would be a good father to your child and if they would actually stay in the relationship as well. And if they can actually support one if they did get you pregnant. Girls are being so stupid these days with getting into relationships with men who can't do all three. And who treat them like garbage. Vice versa as well for men being treated extremely poorly by woman. I have seen both sides. I have even been a feminist at one point, but not anymore. I see through lies from both sides. Relationships are a battleground. And I see both men and woman be absolutely irresponsible with sex.
Besides that the statistics of woman having at least one sexual partner before marriage to even being a virgin before marriage, all those marriages in successful long term forever marriages stands at over 95% to 85%. Or 5% to 10% of wanting a divorce from their partner if they were a virgin. 20% if they have at least one other sexual partner before marriage.
Original post by BrutalGuy
So? I can respond to anything I want. Even if it's old. People need more thoughts then a huge reposting of the same people saying "do this". I don't really see anyone having differing opinions. And literally I am seeing girls say don't tell him you slept with someone else. That is the type of woman I never want in my life. People ask for advice and I will give mine. And it may help someone in the future. Even if it's years old.

People want the best possible partner and if people can improve and be decent and patient in relationships or looking to find someone without sleeping with half the town then relationships would be far more better in the long run. Globally. People want to go fast and be fast. Like in relationships without thinking about the consequences these days. Sex leads to babies. If you have sex with a person you are with, you should of thought exactly how they would be a good father to your child and if they would actually stay in the relationship as well. And if they can actually support one if they did get you pregnant. Girls are being so stupid these days with getting into relationships with men who can't do all three. And who treat them like garbage. Vice versa as well for men being treated extremely poorly by woman. I have seen both sides. I have even been a feminist at one point, but not anymore. I see through lies from both sides. Relationships are a battleground. And I see both men and woman be absolutely irresponsible with sex.
Besides that the statistics of woman having at least one sexual partner before marriage to even being a virgin before marriage, all those marriages in successful long term forever marriages stands at over 95% to 85%. Or 5% to 10% of wanting a divorce from their partner if they were a virgin. 20% if they have at least one other sexual partner before marriage.

What are you on?
Original post by Aaryra
What are you on?

A computer.

If you are talking about drugs etc I never have. I am a straight Edge. Never smoked, never drank alcohol, and never did any drugs whatsoever. Never have been high or drunk. What have you all been on? I am on reality. Being realistic and looking towards the future.

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