Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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Original post by TotoMimo
diamonddust, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. Focus on the positives though. You actively set out to try to beat it - admirable! Anyone'll tell you trying to take on ED head-on is nigh on impossible, so it was a bit ambitious, but like I said... I admire that.
Perhaps you just set the sights too high. Maybe you need to start small, like introducing a tiny amount more into your diet. Just supplementing, not changing altogether and trying to return to "normality" immediately.
Truth is, your mind is clearly still heavily clouded as to what weight gain actually entails. Logically, look at it like this:
Your body uses a certain amount of calories as fuel every day to simply be alive. This is a constant and should be deducted from your total instantly. It's usually between 1200 and 1700 depending on what size of person you are; this is your Basal Metabolic Rate. Then, should you consider MOVING today (any kind of physical or mental exertion whatsoever, from walking to writing an essay to running the London marathon) you can shove on the calories used from that to calculate how many calories your body needs just to be in existence. It's usually between 1800 and 2800 in total depending on what kind of lifestyle you have.
Then, if you wanted to gain a single pound, you would need to consume THOSE calories, plus 3500 (!) more.
Was the cereal bar and drink you consumed (or rather, didn't) 5500 calories? I'm going to hazard a guess and say no, but of course your mental anxieties aren't addressed even though the facts clearly state it's a physiological impossibility for you to have gained weight (and in fact, your body is eating itself right now).
I'll try to put it in perspective. Before I started recovery plan, my dietician noted that I was consuming 1500 (ish) calories. I thought this was a lot. I thought I was a "crap anorexic" because all the other anorexics were eating like, 500! But no - it was a comment she said that got me;
"You do realise that an 8-year old little boy, a tiny little boy, is expected to have between 1600 and 1900 calories every day, don't you? And you're a fully grown MAN, and you have less than that."
I was eating less than a primary school kid needs just to exist.
Visual cues like that work best with me because my ED is obsessed with the numbers, but the artistic, REAL me sees things in colourful variants as opposed to cold binary.
diamonddust, the word "calories" is interchangeable with the word "fuel". Remember that. "Calories" aren't "weight". Calories are FUEL. The train needs coal to run, and when the coal runs out they have to start smashing carriages for kindling to keep it running. Those carriages? Those are your liver, heart, kidneys.
Keep taking the positive steps in the right direction because you're trying hard; don't fall back into the "comfort zone" of the ED, because make no mistake - your ED wants to kill you. Remember that above all else.
These mental disorders we have want us dead. And I have too many people that I love, and that love me, to let it have what it wants.
Perhaps you just set the sights too high. Maybe you need to start small, like introducing a tiny amount more into your diet. Just supplementing, not changing altogether and trying to return to "normality" immediately.
Truth is, your mind is clearly still heavily clouded as to what weight gain actually entails. Logically, look at it like this:
Your body uses a certain amount of calories as fuel every day to simply be alive. This is a constant and should be deducted from your total instantly. It's usually between 1200 and 1700 depending on what size of person you are; this is your Basal Metabolic Rate. Then, should you consider MOVING today (any kind of physical or mental exertion whatsoever, from walking to writing an essay to running the London marathon) you can shove on the calories used from that to calculate how many calories your body needs just to be in existence. It's usually between 1800 and 2800 in total depending on what kind of lifestyle you have.
Then, if you wanted to gain a single pound, you would need to consume THOSE calories, plus 3500 (!) more.
Was the cereal bar and drink you consumed (or rather, didn't) 5500 calories? I'm going to hazard a guess and say no, but of course your mental anxieties aren't addressed even though the facts clearly state it's a physiological impossibility for you to have gained weight (and in fact, your body is eating itself right now).
I'll try to put it in perspective. Before I started recovery plan, my dietician noted that I was consuming 1500 (ish) calories. I thought this was a lot. I thought I was a "crap anorexic" because all the other anorexics were eating like, 500! But no - it was a comment she said that got me;
"You do realise that an 8-year old little boy, a tiny little boy, is expected to have between 1600 and 1900 calories every day, don't you? And you're a fully grown MAN, and you have less than that."
I was eating less than a primary school kid needs just to exist.
Visual cues like that work best with me because my ED is obsessed with the numbers, but the artistic, REAL me sees things in colourful variants as opposed to cold binary.
diamonddust, the word "calories" is interchangeable with the word "fuel". Remember that. "Calories" aren't "weight". Calories are FUEL. The train needs coal to run, and when the coal runs out they have to start smashing carriages for kindling to keep it running. Those carriages? Those are your liver, heart, kidneys.
Keep taking the positive steps in the right direction because you're trying hard; don't fall back into the "comfort zone" of the ED, because make no mistake - your ED wants to kill you. Remember that above all else.
These mental disorders we have want us dead. And I have too many people that I love, and that love me, to let it have what it wants.
Thanks for the huge dose of actual logic.
It's amazing how much you forget in the heat of the moment. How are you doing today Toto?
Oh Katy. 
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by diamonddust
Oh Katy.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.
Saw this.
CANNOT believe that they asked their weights!!!
Are they IP now? because they really should be I have not seen girls that thin in a long time.
Original post by diamonddust
Oh Katy.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.
Is there somewhere where I can watch this online?
Eh, I can't be arsed going anonymous.... but today I couldn't even bring myself to eat a few ****ing green peas, what the bloody hell.
i feel like ****, i feel like nobody likes me and i'm just going to fail my life. :'( i just want all of this to end. i've been so dizzy like all day and now i just feel too numb to move. my heads telling me i did okay today but i can definately do better. i've done quite a lot of revision today but it led to a panic attack and chest pains when i realised how much i don't know and can't do. i'm just hopeless. i wish the easy way out was really that easy!
i sound like a ****ing winging child! i'm so ****ing pathetic! i dont want to wake up tomorrow i just want this to end. but i'm too hopeless and crap to even do that! because i'm too scared on the affect it'll have on the family that im too bloody scared to tell how i actually feel!
Original post by diamonddust
Oh Katy.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.
I still get shocked when I hear them speak because they're so ridiculously clever.
Edit: Why do interviewers ask about weight? Oh God, Eamon. Don't tell them to go do gymnastics for goodness sake.
I hate the fact people ask about weights, they're so clueless at how competitive weight becomes with eating disorders! The eating disorder charity "Beat" made a campaign to remove pictures of severely underweight sufferers from the media and any display of weights etc. I just hope things improve!
Original post by Linweth
Is there somewhere where I can watch this online?
Eh, I can't be arsed going anonymous.... but today I couldn't even bring myself to eat a few ****ing green peas, what the bloody hell.
Eh, I can't be arsed going anonymous.... but today I couldn't even bring myself to eat a few ****ing green peas, what the bloody hell.
The 'This Morning' website has the interview I think, I didn't watch it because I felt it might be triggering for me and I don't want to expose myself to that when I'm (at the moment) improving.
It sounds like you've had a frustrating day, are you receiving any support?
Squiff pull yourself together and breathe!
You are stronger than that, you know 20% of anorexia related deaths are suicide?! You are not one of those bloody 20%!
Squiff, you are feeling down, but look at what you are going to be. AMAZING.
Look at what you are. AMAZING.
Other people can tell you this, now tell yourself this.
You are stronger than that, you know 20% of anorexia related deaths are suicide?! You are not one of those bloody 20%!
Squiff, you are feeling down, but look at what you are going to be. AMAZING.
Look at what you are. AMAZING.
Other people can tell you this, now tell yourself this.
Original post by squiff93
i feel like ****, i feel like nobody likes me and i'm just going to fail my life. :'( i just want all of this to end. i've been so dizzy like all day and now i just feel too numb to move. my heads telling me i did okay today but i can definately do better. i've done quite a lot of revision today but it led to a panic attack and chest pains when i realised how much i don't know and can't do. i'm just hopeless. i wish the easy way out was really that easy!
I can guarantee that there are people out there that like you, I mean for example your family members will like you and you're not failing at life since you are studying, the feeling of feeling like you don't know much is entirely normal... even scholars have said that when they know more about the world they realise how much they don't know. Nobody is ever hopeless, ever. You're worth more than this negativity.
Original post by briesandwich
I hate the fact people ask about weights, they're so clueless at how competitive weight becomes with eating disorders! The eating disorder charity "Beat" made a campaign to remove pictures of severely underweight sufferers from the media and any display of weights etc. I just hope things improve!
The 'This Morning' website has the interview I think, I didn't watch it because I felt it might be triggering for me and I don't want to expose myself to that when I'm (at the moment) improving.
It sounds like you've had a frustrating day, are you receiving any support?
The 'This Morning' website has the interview I think, I didn't watch it because I felt it might be triggering for me and I don't want to expose myself to that when I'm (at the moment) improving.
It sounds like you've had a frustrating day, are you receiving any support?Thanks, I shall have a look.
Well I've been suffering for an ED and BDD for so long and in the past I have been to therapists but it didn't work as I feel my mind is too cynical to listen to what they say. I am currently seeing the doctors since I'm on anti-depressants and they're getting me into seeing a psychiatrist that deals with ED's... I've become desperate, slightly.
Original post by diamonddust
Original post by Antiaris
Squiff pull yourself together and breathe!
You are stronger than that, you know 20% of anorexia related deaths are suicide?! You are not one of those bloody 20%!
Squiff, you are feeling down, but look at what you are going to be. AMAZING.
Look at what you are. AMAZING.
Other people can tell you this, now tell yourself this.
You are stronger than that, you know 20% of anorexia related deaths are suicide?! You are not one of those bloody 20%!
Squiff, you are feeling down, but look at what you are going to be. AMAZING.
Look at what you are. AMAZING.
Other people can tell you this, now tell yourself this.
^ Quoted cos its true. If you dont have a crap day while trying to get rid of this evil little voice in your head, how are you supposed to know when you've had a good day? Because you wont have anything to compare it with.
just needed to express myself somehow because i felt trapped. ohwell todays another day - and hopefully a better one :/
Diamonddust, sorry I didn't get back to you earlier.
My weight is inexplicably 96lb now, having not weighed yesterday for fear of further water weight fluctuations. My mind is incredibly conflicted and today is weigh-in day at the clinic.
I have to admit, there's something truly bizarre about how anxious I get when I get weighed at the clinic and it's like 3lb more than when I weigh at home - I keep telling myself "Erm, remember jeans etc WEIGH SOMETHING TOO!" as I weigh myself in my boxers when I'm at home, but when she's like "Oh, seven stone one!" when I read six stone thirteen or whatever just a few hours earlier, I don't know why I get so disheartened. It's illogical but it's clearly just another mental tick clinging onto my brain.
Reading the posts since yesterday it's clear there are a lot more people than I'd assumed, having massive issues with dysmorphia, food, and compulsions thereof.
One thing that's a common theme however is that it all seems to be about control, and the problems that arise when there's a lack of it. But like I said before, the thing you have to drill into your mind is that there's no *real* control there, with an ED. It's like one of those dogs chained to a post in the garden. The illusion of freedom is there; you can get up and run around the garden, but try to get beyond the length of that choke chain and you're stopped completely in your tracks, and all you can do is accept the inevitability that the chain tightens the more you try to pull away, and it gets more comfortable the closer you are to the centre of the garden* (*your disorder).
My weight is inexplicably 96lb now, having not weighed yesterday for fear of further water weight fluctuations. My mind is incredibly conflicted and today is weigh-in day at the clinic.
I have to admit, there's something truly bizarre about how anxious I get when I get weighed at the clinic and it's like 3lb more than when I weigh at home - I keep telling myself "Erm, remember jeans etc WEIGH SOMETHING TOO!" as I weigh myself in my boxers when I'm at home, but when she's like "Oh, seven stone one!" when I read six stone thirteen or whatever just a few hours earlier, I don't know why I get so disheartened. It's illogical but it's clearly just another mental tick clinging onto my brain.
Reading the posts since yesterday it's clear there are a lot more people than I'd assumed, having massive issues with dysmorphia, food, and compulsions thereof.
One thing that's a common theme however is that it all seems to be about control, and the problems that arise when there's a lack of it. But like I said before, the thing you have to drill into your mind is that there's no *real* control there, with an ED. It's like one of those dogs chained to a post in the garden. The illusion of freedom is there; you can get up and run around the garden, but try to get beyond the length of that choke chain and you're stopped completely in your tracks, and all you can do is accept the inevitability that the chain tightens the more you try to pull away, and it gets more comfortable the closer you are to the centre of the garden* (*your disorder).
Original post by Linweth
Thanks, I shall have a look.
Well I've been suffering for an ED and BDD for so long and in the past I have been to therapists but it didn't work as I feel my mind is too cynical to listen to what they say. I am currently seeing the doctors since I'm on anti-depressants and they're getting me into seeing a psychiatrist that deals with ED's... I've become desperate, slightly.
Well I've been suffering for an ED and BDD for so long and in the past I have been to therapists but it didn't work as I feel my mind is too cynical to listen to what they say. I am currently seeing the doctors since I'm on anti-depressants and they're getting me into seeing a psychiatrist that deals with ED's... I've become desperate, slightly.
I hope the psychiatrist is able to help you! I know what you mean about being cynical though.. my therapist with the CAMHS team basically used her own techniques in therapy and I didn't think they helped at all. I'm with a specialist now who is fantastic, having someone who knows about EDs made a massive difference.
Original post by TotoMimo
Diamonddust, sorry I didn't get back to you earlier.
My weight is inexplicably 96lb now, having not weighed yesterday for fear of further water weight fluctuations. My mind is incredibly conflicted and today is weigh-in day at the clinic.
I have to admit, there's something truly bizarre about how anxious I get when I get weighed at the clinic and it's like 3lb more than when I weigh at home - I keep telling myself "Erm, remember jeans etc WEIGH SOMETHING TOO!" as I weigh myself in my boxers when I'm at home, but when she's like "Oh, seven stone one!" when I read six stone thirteen or whatever just a few hours earlier, I don't know why I get so disheartened. It's illogical but it's clearly just another mental tick clinging onto my brain.
Reading the posts since yesterday it's clear there are a lot more people than I'd assumed, having massive issues with dysmorphia, food, and compulsions thereof.
One thing that's a common theme however is that it all seems to be about control, and the problems that arise when there's a lack of it. But like I said before, the thing you have to drill into your mind is that there's no *real* control there, with an ED. It's like one of those dogs chained to a post in the garden. The illusion of freedom is there; you can get up and run around the garden, but try to get beyond the length of that choke chain and you're stopped completely in your tracks, and all you can do is accept the inevitability that the chain tightens the more you try to pull away, and it gets more comfortable the closer you are to the centre of the garden* (*your disorder).
My weight is inexplicably 96lb now, having not weighed yesterday for fear of further water weight fluctuations. My mind is incredibly conflicted and today is weigh-in day at the clinic.
I have to admit, there's something truly bizarre about how anxious I get when I get weighed at the clinic and it's like 3lb more than when I weigh at home - I keep telling myself "Erm, remember jeans etc WEIGH SOMETHING TOO!" as I weigh myself in my boxers when I'm at home, but when she's like "Oh, seven stone one!" when I read six stone thirteen or whatever just a few hours earlier, I don't know why I get so disheartened. It's illogical but it's clearly just another mental tick clinging onto my brain.
Reading the posts since yesterday it's clear there are a lot more people than I'd assumed, having massive issues with dysmorphia, food, and compulsions thereof.
One thing that's a common theme however is that it all seems to be about control, and the problems that arise when there's a lack of it. But like I said before, the thing you have to drill into your mind is that there's no *real* control there, with an ED. It's like one of those dogs chained to a post in the garden. The illusion of freedom is there; you can get up and run around the garden, but try to get beyond the length of that choke chain and you're stopped completely in your tracks, and all you can do is accept the inevitability that the chain tightens the more you try to pull away, and it gets more comfortable the closer you are to the centre of the garden* (*your disorder).
I was just wondering what you did for your degree (you might of said and I most likely read it but didnt take it in - sorry).
I have been reading this thread ever since you started it and I really do think you have a very good talent for giving advice and rationalising things for people.
I really think you would make a good counsellor or mental health nurse. Of course not until you are physically and mentally well your self but I really do see you in a role like that.
Also I would like to commend you on the progress you have made. Despite your fears and worries you are doing amazingly well. I have been in and out of ED services for 10years and I have been in all kinds of treatment including IP and I can honestly tell you that not many people manage to take those first steps and put on weight when they are such a low weight as you, so really well done.
As a recovered ED patient I can tell you that all the pain and doubt you are feeling right now is 100% worth it when you are recovered. IT DOES GET EASIER...I promise. Life is so much more fun when you are recovered. Keep going mate.
Original post by anon2010
Saw this.
CANNOT believe that they asked their weights!!!
Are they IP now? because they really should be I have not seen girls that thin in a long time.
CANNOT believe that they asked their weights!!!
Are they IP now? because they really should be I have not seen girls that thin in a long time.
They're not!
And the horrible thing is that Katy looks physically *better* than the last time I saw her. She was trying to avoid IP a couple of weeks ago so maybe she's finally realised she needs some help? I was seriously disgusted by the fact they asked about their weights- does it ****** matter? It just triggers other people with the illness and reinforces the messed up voyeurism 'normal' people have with AN. And also, it reinforces the whole 'You must be emaciated to be anorexic' sterotype. I'm so glad they didn't say. Original post by Linweth
Is there somewhere where I can watch this online?
Eh, I can't be arsed going anonymous.... but today I couldn't even bring myself to eat a few ****ing green peas, what the bloody hell.
Eh, I can't be arsed going anonymous.... but today I couldn't even bring myself to eat a few ****ing green peas, what the bloody hell.
I tried the ITV website but it won't let you watch. I don't know...
Original post by squiff93
i feel like ****, i feel like nobody likes me and i'm just going to fail my life. :'( i just want all of this to end. i've been so dizzy like all day and now i just feel too numb to move. my heads telling me i did okay today but i can definately do better. i've done quite a lot of revision today but it led to a panic attack and chest pains when i realised how much i don't know and can't do. i'm just hopeless. i wish the easy way out was really that easy!
I know what it feels like to feel like that but please don't do anything. You have so many people who care about you, including us on here and you're more than strong enough to fight this. Original post by briesandwich
I hate the fact people ask about weights, they're so clueless at how competitive weight becomes with eating disorders! The eating disorder charity "Beat" made a campaign to remove pictures of severely underweight sufferers from the media and any display of weights etc. I just hope things improve!
The 'This Morning' website has the interview I think, I didn't watch it because I felt it might be triggering for me and I don't want to expose myself to that when I'm (at the moment) improving.
It sounds like you've had a frustrating day, are you receiving any support?
The 'This Morning' website has the interview I think, I didn't watch it because I felt it might be triggering for me and I don't want to expose myself to that when I'm (at the moment) improving.
It sounds like you've had a frustrating day, are you receiving any support?I wish people had taken notice. Weight is such a small part of the illness really. I'd go as far to say that for me at least, low weight is just a side effect of not eating but then I get terrified of gaining weight so cut back so I don't gain weight- not so I lose weight. When I see them, I don't even feel triggered. I just feel sad. And a little bit sickly jealous.
Not even because of their weight but because they're so functional. If I got down to such a low weight I'd either die or become psychotic. The media never goes into the emotional effects of anorexia- how it feels to go into the fridge and burst into tears because nothing's safe or how it feels to be so disconnected from other people or how you're never ever going to be good enough no matter what you do. They always focus on behaviours which are just symptoms. It also really really bugs me that you never ever see people with bulimia who are a healthy weight or people with EDNOS or people with COE. The focus is always ALWAYS on severely underweight anorexics. And it's always the ones who eat nothing more than lettuce. If you listened to the media, you'd think the only ED that existed was anorexia. And you'd think that people with anorexia were people who wanted to look like celebrities and were vain and took a diet way too far and thought they were fat before. I've always found it really really hard admitting to having anorexia because I imagine that people think of me differently. One of my teacher knows and I don't even know how she knows and she constantly shouts at me when I miss a lesson and doesn't understand how hard it is.
My sister asked me a question that I nobody had asked me before a few days back. It's a question I already had the answer to that I've thought about quite a bit, wondering about other people;
"Do you miss being able to eat things without overthinking things? To be able to eat food normally?"
"Obviously knowing more about food adds an extra comfort and a strange satisfaction but honestly, I told her, yes. I do miss it. I feel a strange jealousy of chubby people, seeing them eat things without caring sometimes. I don't want to end up like that, but I want to have that confidence and state of mind."
Can I just ask, does anyone else feel like that sometimes?
Also, curious, what are the people in your families like weight wise? My Dad is severely obese, with my sister chubby and my mother a little overweight (but healthy). People seem to think that my Dad is one of the root causes of the ED and the fact that he is overweight makes my lack of weight quite a strong contrast. Trying to look more into the psycholoy behind the variation in Anorexia between people.
"Do you miss being able to eat things without overthinking things? To be able to eat food normally?"
"Obviously knowing more about food adds an extra comfort and a strange satisfaction but honestly, I told her, yes. I do miss it. I feel a strange jealousy of chubby people, seeing them eat things without caring sometimes. I don't want to end up like that, but I want to have that confidence and state of mind."
Can I just ask, does anyone else feel like that sometimes?
Also, curious, what are the people in your families like weight wise? My Dad is severely obese, with my sister chubby and my mother a little overweight (but healthy). People seem to think that my Dad is one of the root causes of the ED and the fact that he is overweight makes my lack of weight quite a strong contrast. Trying to look more into the psycholoy behind the variation in Anorexia between people.
Original post by Antiaris
"Do you miss being able to eat things without overthinking things? To be able to eat food normally?"
"Do you miss being able to eat things without overthinking things? To be able to eat food normally?"
This is quite a conflicted question for me because for the most part I do not even care, I do not care for food it is a hindrance to me, I am happy when I am not having to deal with it and I am never really hungry. My desire for food has never been prominent but then you get the times when you realise you're human and get that hunger pang (however rare it is for me) and think to yourself 'sometimes I wish I could just grab anything I want without checking the back and feeling incredibly anxious or greedy.' It is tiresome.
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