Hi, I have issues with anxiety but they seem really different to those posted here?
I don't really have any form of social anxiety, I love meeting new people and I do a lot of performing in front of me. I'm nervous about going to uni but not to the extent of the majority on here. A lot of my anxiety is to do with my self-confidence though?
Last year I had a lot of issues with low blood pressure, I fainted several times a day and had a lot of medical tests, blood tests, ECGs and I even saw a neurologist. I had someone with me and mentioned how I can't go to the doctors alone (I'm convinced they'll diagnose me with something horrible and I'll be all by myself) and said how I'm prone to panic attacks. I have been for about 3 years and I started by having them for no apparent reason, some kind of subconscious buildup of stuff apparently? But my fainting caused extra panic attacks, as did arguments or anything to do with getting yelled at. I freeze in any sort of violent sitation. The neurologist said how I probably had an anxiety disorder but didn't say anything about taking it further.
After that my anxiety has worsened. I had a bad experience with a boyfriend, he yelled at me, cheated on me, lied to me and I wasn't aware of any of it until he left me for another girl. My trust was completely destroyed because I never doubted him once and I currently can't be in a room with him without having a panic attack. I am over him completely, but not over what he's done. Its as if he epitomises all my insecurities in one body?
Anyway, since that my anxiety has manifested itself in a few other forms. Someone might say something that damages my self-confidence, particularly in relation to guys and I start wringing my hands and it gets more and more frantic. In particularly bad cases I start scratching my arms. Not in a self-harming way, I don't know why. But I get terrified because this sometimes happens in public and I think how I must look like a nutter, then think 'what if I am crazy' and I get terrified. This will last about an hour until I either exhaust myself or manage to distract myself.
I also visualise people I know but don't entirely trust attacking me, both verbally and physically. These tend to be people I see often preying on my greatest insecurities and I get into suc a state I can't leave the house. My ex keeps showing up too, like in a dream but I'm awake? And I keep on being tormented to the point I have such a bad panic attack I get hospitaised (in the dream, not reality).
I often over-analyse things and get myself worked up, thinking of the things I want to say to people and convincing myself it will go horribly wrong. If ever I talk to one of my friends when I'm upset they try to offer help but they don't know what to do when I'm in that state. I reject everything they say and I actually end up upsetting them and pushing them away and I hate that. This problem is pushing my friends away and all I want is for it to go away so I can start being me again. My friends don't know HOW to help, they try but they don't understand what I feel like and the severity of it. I don't want to freak them out or want their sympathy, I just want to get better. When I get bad I feel like my own mind is torturing me, listing all the reasons why I should hate myself including my own freaking anxiety which is pushing everyone away and I hate myself for hating myself?
This isn't me, the real me is happy-go-lucky and the main thing is I would always be there for my friends. They could rely on me no matter what. But nowI'm so wrapped up in my own issues, so trapped in my head I can't get back to being me. Any advice on how to get back to being me?
Sorry for this GIANT rant, just want to get some perspective and get back to normal.