Long Distance Relationships - how to cope?

I've been going out with my bf for over a year and I want to continue the relationship through university because I love him very much. However, I am a bit clingy at the best of times and I'm moving from Northampton to Southampton (about 3 hours by train) to go to University because I wanted to go somewhere which is the best for my course (something my bf also encouraged me to do). We are considering the possibility of him coming to live with me for 2nd year onwards but I don't know how we're going to cope fpr the first year, to the point where I am almost dreading going to University. Has anyone got any advice on how I can make this work? I don't want to regret going to University but I really want to follow my dream of becoming an Archaeologist while still maintaining a relationship which is really important to me. How often would we need to visit each other in person to keep the relationship strong and has anyone got any tips?

Reply 1

GeorgetheAug

No one but you can answer that, really.

Reply 2

Huskaris

Dildo and fleshlight.

Reply 3

username664870

My boyfriend goes to southampton and I live in essex so I know what you mean but I think it's pretty healthy to have time apart too, we usually see each other every weekend or every other weekend, I wouldn't give up just yet!

Reply 4

shanniejane

Look, for the past year i have been in a similar situation. My boyfriend is a year older and went to uni while i was still doing a-levels. we have been together 2 and a half years now and i was offered a place at his uni for next year. The reason i decided to go to his uni is because long distance relationships aren't easy. They're doable, but you have to be strong and independent. You sound kind of like me, I'm definitely more of a clingy girlfriend than perhaps is necessary. But this will be a good experience for you to be independent. Besides uni will give you so much to keep you mind occupied. Your boyfriend sounds supportive so I'm sure he'll visit and you can visit him. You both just have to agree that something as silly as a few hours between you won't ruin your relationship. As far as you're concerned its only one tough years compared to the rest of your lives together.

Reply 5

alittlepixiedust-

In all honesty, better not to think about it too much. If you want it to work, it'll work. Me and my boyfriend tend to try to aim for at least a weekend together once every three weeks. Tips are don't be clingy, don't moan or cry about it and just appreciate the time you have together.

Reply 6

tsveta

my bf and i have had a long distance relationship for 2 yrs - he is at uni 3.5 hrs away from me. sometimes it is tough, but we speak everyday by text and at least 3 times a week by skype or on the phone. i think it can work if you really want it to, which you obvs do

Reply 7

Flo[ProActiv]

As others have said, it's not easy, but it's doable.

I'm at uni in Durham and live in London, while my boyfriend lives in Northampton, so we're 5/1.5 hours apart (uni/holidays). We got together just as I started first year, and I'm graduating in a month, so we've made it though :smile:

Communication is key. Make sure you throw yourself into fresher's stuff though, don't spend your time in your room waiting to talk.

Also, check out the LDR Advice Thread, and the LDR Chat thread - we're nice people, and don't bite, I promise :tongue:

Reply 8

Mr Dangermouse

Break up. Unfair to the local lads :sexface:

I'm kidding by the way. That's why we have webcams

Reply 9

LoveyRae

If you love him, it'll work out :smile:

I go to Hull and my boyfriend goes to Exeter but he's at the Falmouth campus, so it takes about 8 hours on the train. We didn't see each other in person from going back in January to coming home for Easter in the last week of March. It is tough but we skype several times a week and text everyday.

Plus, one of my friends came to university with her boyfriend. They spend 95% of their time together and are literally inseperable - it gets pretty annoying. She doesn't make effort with anybody outside of our small group of friends - you don't want to be tempted to not make any effort because you have a safety net.

Reply 10

flying plum

It isn't easy. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 years, and have lived in different cities for 3 of those (he's in London, I've lived in cambridge, and now nottingham). We see each other most weekends, or sometimes during the week, if i've no classes.

I think there are some things you have to be aware of - by having a LDR, you will miss out on things. You will be travelling around the country while other people stay in halls, are nice and settled, and you may feel like you're not quite 'part of the gang'. This means two things:

1. You need to be prepared to be more outgoing when you're actually at Uni, and maybe make a bit more effort to make connections with people.

2. You and your partner have to have EXCELLENT communication. Both of you will feel at some point like the other is neglecting them for the sake of staying at Uni and going out. Both of you need to be aware that going out, making friends etc is important, but equally so is your relationship. You need to be honest with each other, and yourself, and make sure that you are not being too clingy, and also that you are showing that you trust each other. If you don't talk, these feelings will fester, and you will end up splitting.

LDRs are hard - I often feel like i'm never quite settled in one place. They can work, but you have to work at it - and often people don't want to. that's not necessarily a bad thing - that's often down to the strength (or rather weakness) of the relationship, and can end things sooner instead of letting them just trundle along in mediocrity. Equally, the distance can make you complacent, and let the relationship go stale when it should have worked - make the time you have together special. leave the washing up, don't do the housework - make plans and do something nice. EVERY TIME. Not necessarily expensive meals etc etc - just little touches; candles with dinner, make a nice dessert etc.

Reply 11

shushthemonkeys

Skype, me and my boyfriend used to talk on skype in the mornings before classes or before we went to bed or went out so I could show him my outift or he could show me his.

If you are on the same phone network you can arrange a deal for unlimited calls and texts for a set price. Write. Email. Send postcards(!).

Try to see each other once a month. Try really hard, both of you have to want this to work or it won't, and you both have to trust each other.

Reply 12

ukr-nffc

Original post by YogaintheWoods

...

it is doable, but the key requirements are probably - independence and trust - the latter being key. Neither of you will be having a good time if you think the other is shagging the first person to buy them a VK blue at freshers ...

Also, you have to make time to see each other - finding the right balance between having a uni social life and keeping some time back for your boyfriend can be tricky, but that usually comes with a bit of time. But, making the time/effort will definitely be appreciated.

Original post by tsveta

My experience is similar to this i also lived in Czech Rep. and Poland whilst on Erasmus for perhaps the first 8 out of 10 months we were together. Still, a year and a bit later and it's going strong :smile:

Reply 13

alexmagpie

My boyfriend and I are coming up to our 1 year - I've been in York since October while he stayed in Liverpool. We see each other once every 2-3 weeks (although because we both have exams it's been longer this term - we're halfway through a six week gap). I don't have much more to add on top of what others have said - we talk on the phone and skype almost every day and it makes it easier.

Both of us were locked into contracts with different phone companies so we couldn't get a cheap calls package. But what we did do was buy a cheap, unlocked handset each (about £15) and get giffgaff sim cards. If you buy a £5 goodybag thing every 3 months, you get unlimited calls to giffgaff numbers. so for a £20 investment and £5 each every 3 months, we can talk for 3 hours a night if we want to. That bedtime call really makes a huge difference to us.

Reply 14

ArtyMilly

Hi, i know how you feel, i live down in cornwall and my bf lives in Southampton and we were together for 3 and a half years. i used to get the national express coaches up to see him and it was 10 hours on the coach. but it was worth it. It is very very hard to been in a long distance relationship, and if both of you really really love each other, and you have the determination you will make it work in all your power. With my relationship we had to end things because he suffered from Bi-polar and it put a lot of pressure on the relationship. But we made it work for 3 and a half years.

Reply 15

kat91s

Last year I made with it work with my boyfriend between Sheffield and Telford (about 2 hours apart). This year we're 6000 miles apart and on different continents, and now those 2 hours seem like nothing at all!

Long distance relationships can work if both people want to. I'm not going to lie, it's more difficult than your standard relationship, but it's also more rewarding because you really treasure every moment you spend together. Once you get settled into a routine it's not that bad at all.

The key is good communication, and it also takes time, effort and money on travel. It's also important to get a good life-relationship balance, especially when you're at uni. Long distance has its advantages, because it allows you a lot of independence, which is really important at uni if you want to make your own friends, join activites, and have time to study.

My own LDR has brought me and my boyfriend closer together. Although tough at times, it's been a blessing in disguise!

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 16

silverbolt

Original post by YogaintheWoods

For a start join TSRs LDR society, its a massive help.

Its not easy is the first thing ill say. but it is doable, some of us in LDRs have been doing it a couple of years and they take perserveance communication and trust, they are very trying. But if its worth it then the rewards are very great.