Do I tell him I know?
Anon or delete please.
Stayed at my boyfriend's (we'll call him John, though he's not) last night and woke up before him so went on his phone to find a game to entertain me. For some reason though I decided to look at his facebook messages, not really sure why, I do have a few issues with trust because of my last relationship which was, quite frankly, a disaster but I only knew that right at the last moment. I'm getting better though and over the last 4 months I've really grown to trust him, so not sure why I looked but anyway. First message to one of his mates says that he's decided to apply to join the Forces because a friend's inspired him to and that he was gonna go sign up for the application this week. He's not said anything to me about all this so I wanted to keep looking see if he did. Found another message of him telling another friend and he asked if John's told me yet and he replied saying that it's not common knowledge yet and that he's not going to tell me yet, maybe at a later date.
Now, we've talked about his mate who is in it, the one who's inspired him. He's got a girlfriend but he spends about 6 months of the year out of the country and I was saying I really don't know how you make a relationship work like that, it's not really even a relationship because you don't even really get to talk while he's away and John agreed and said it'd be really difficult. But yet he's decided to sign up? AND not tell me?
It's the not telling me bit that really bothers me. At the moment we live about 3 hours away from each other and we both say how hard it is, how we really miss each other in the week but we make the effort to see each other almost every weekend. We have both said that we're committed to this relationship and see it going long term, so I've been looking for jobs to move to where he lives later this year, we've been talking about getting a place together and secretly he's applying to spend half the year away from the country? It just doesn't make sense. Just makes me think maybe he's not as committed to this relationship as he said he was and is.
But what do I do? If I tell him I know, I have to admit to looking at his phone, which I don't want to do. It's not something that I do, it's the first time, but it just makes me look like I'm always checking on him and don't trust him. But then at the same time, I need to know what the hell is going on because I'm not moving 3 hours away from all my friends and family to be nearer to him if he's going to piss off and join the Forces!
Help?!
Stayed at my boyfriend's (we'll call him John, though he's not) last night and woke up before him so went on his phone to find a game to entertain me. For some reason though I decided to look at his facebook messages, not really sure why, I do have a few issues with trust because of my last relationship which was, quite frankly, a disaster but I only knew that right at the last moment. I'm getting better though and over the last 4 months I've really grown to trust him, so not sure why I looked but anyway. First message to one of his mates says that he's decided to apply to join the Forces because a friend's inspired him to and that he was gonna go sign up for the application this week. He's not said anything to me about all this so I wanted to keep looking see if he did. Found another message of him telling another friend and he asked if John's told me yet and he replied saying that it's not common knowledge yet and that he's not going to tell me yet, maybe at a later date.
Now, we've talked about his mate who is in it, the one who's inspired him. He's got a girlfriend but he spends about 6 months of the year out of the country and I was saying I really don't know how you make a relationship work like that, it's not really even a relationship because you don't even really get to talk while he's away and John agreed and said it'd be really difficult. But yet he's decided to sign up? AND not tell me?
It's the not telling me bit that really bothers me. At the moment we live about 3 hours away from each other and we both say how hard it is, how we really miss each other in the week but we make the effort to see each other almost every weekend. We have both said that we're committed to this relationship and see it going long term, so I've been looking for jobs to move to where he lives later this year, we've been talking about getting a place together and secretly he's applying to spend half the year away from the country? It just doesn't make sense. Just makes me think maybe he's not as committed to this relationship as he said he was and is.
But what do I do? If I tell him I know, I have to admit to looking at his phone, which I don't want to do. It's not something that I do, it's the first time, but it just makes me look like I'm always checking on him and don't trust him. But then at the same time, I need to know what the hell is going on because I'm not moving 3 hours away from all my friends and family to be nearer to him if he's going to piss off and join the Forces!
Help?!
If you don't say something now; he'll go and sign the documents and it'll be too late. Even if he thinks you're being nosey, it might be better in the long-term!
Maybe he hasn't told you because he might be planning to end the relationship? If he wants to join the forces, he probably won't thank you for trying to stop him anyway.
Perhaps he's feeling doubtful?
Joining the army is a fairly long process. Trying to join the TA myself, after handing my application in I need to go for an interview, a test (academic) which will determine the roles I can join, a medical (which can prevent me from doing selection ergo the army), then there's there selection which is a 2 day interview and physical test(for the selected role). All this can usually take around a month and a half or more to complete.
The big parts are the medical because you need the doctors permission and selection because most people are too fat and lazy to do the run which is a pass/fail test.
Once he's in basic training(regulars), he'll have 3 weeks (I think) to drop-out before signing the 4 year contract.
No doubt, the guys at ACIO will ask him if he has told you.
Joining the army is a fairly long process. Trying to join the TA myself, after handing my application in I need to go for an interview, a test (academic) which will determine the roles I can join, a medical (which can prevent me from doing selection ergo the army), then there's there selection which is a 2 day interview and physical test(for the selected role). All this can usually take around a month and a half or more to complete.
The big parts are the medical because you need the doctors permission and selection because most people are too fat and lazy to do the run which is a pass/fail test.
Once he's in basic training(regulars), he'll have 3 weeks (I think) to drop-out before signing the 4 year contract.
No doubt, the guys at ACIO will ask him if he has told you.
(edited 11 years ago)
This is why you shouldn't invade your bf's privacy. I'd say the fact that you read his fb messages is a serious issue. I'd be livid if my gf did that.
Anyway, I wouldn't say anything yet if I were you. Surely he could just be waiting for a good time to talk to you about it because he knows it's gonna be a hard conversation, for the reasons you outlined already.
Anyway, I wouldn't say anything yet if I were you. Surely he could just be waiting for a good time to talk to you about it because he knows it's gonna be a hard conversation, for the reasons you outlined already.
Maybe he's still only thinking about it and its one of many plans/ideas he is playing with. Joining the army is quite a big decision really so give him the time to think it over and he'll tell you when he's good and ready because afterall, he can't really hide the fact his ignored a text from you for 3 months.
If you've got a strong relationship then im sure you'd support him in his decision and he will tell you when he's ready.
If you've got a strong relationship then im sure you'd support him in his decision and he will tell you when he's ready.
Believe me, the whole thing about thinking well if he wants to do this, knowing it's months away at a time, and he hasn't told me, then maybe he's not thinking that this is as long term as he's been saying and he's planning on ending things. It's gone through my mind many, many times. But then the way he acts doesn't show that, he says, even this weekend, about not wanting me to go home, or not wanting to leave mine, or wanting to take me with him. He keeps encouraging me to find a job near him and has said that if I do, he'd like to move in with me. Why keep saying all that yesterday if he doesn't think that anymore?
And Mr Quick, the guys at ACIO will only ask him if he's told me if he tells them about me. He could just say yes even if they do.
Jeery83 that wouldn't really work because I already know what they are. Or I did anyway. But seems he's been rethinking them.
It's not his dream to join the forces, it's something that's only just occurred to him. He's wanted to be something else and has just started training for that. It's just that he's seen his friend who does this job in the Forces and he's been inspired by it, thinks it sounds like an interesting and well paid job, he's only just started thinking about it.
We had a talk about it yesterday but not directly, I didn't say I knew. He said that he reckons he'd like doing it as a job but that he wouldn't because of us because that he knows that if he did, we wouldn't work. Which I really don't think we would. So maybe he's rethought it, I don't know. I do know he didn't make it to the careers centre in time so maybe he's decided not to go. I really don't know.
And Mr Quick, the guys at ACIO will only ask him if he's told me if he tells them about me. He could just say yes even if they do.
Jeery83 that wouldn't really work because I already know what they are. Or I did anyway. But seems he's been rethinking them.
It's not his dream to join the forces, it's something that's only just occurred to him. He's wanted to be something else and has just started training for that. It's just that he's seen his friend who does this job in the Forces and he's been inspired by it, thinks it sounds like an interesting and well paid job, he's only just started thinking about it.
We had a talk about it yesterday but not directly, I didn't say I knew. He said that he reckons he'd like doing it as a job but that he wouldn't because of us because that he knows that if he did, we wouldn't work. Which I really don't think we would. So maybe he's rethought it, I don't know. I do know he didn't make it to the careers centre in time so maybe he's decided not to go. I really don't know.
You never really went on the phone to play games though did you?
Yes, I did. My phone has crap games on so I always use his phone to play stuff like angry birds and temple run, which I can't get on my phone.
Original post by Anonymous
Yes, I did. My phone has crap games on so I always use his phone to play stuff like angry birds and temple run, which I can't get on my phone.
If you were that content on doing so you wouldn't have even give two thoughts about reading messages.
I've had it happen to me. Not only do you miss out key information, miss certain messages that have been exchanged in person that can make a huge difference you get worked up, confuse things and make a lot of mistakes.
You want to know what to do? Be honest, tell him, tell him it won't happen again and explain and that you're sorry.
My ex did it to me, she didn't speak to me all morning with tears in her eyes one day, when I finally got it out of her she told me she read through some messages. She hadn't realised what was missing and got worked up over something that really wasn't that bad.
Oh, and don't snoop again.
I am content with doing that and I haven't looked through any of the messages before. Not even sure why I did this time. And yes, I agree that you can miss out bits of information and normally I wouldn't read anything into messages but it quite clearly said that he's decided to sign up and wants to be in the forces, that he's told a few people but that he'll tell me at a later date. So I think it's a different situation to you and your ex, I've not filled in gaps, the info is clearly there for anyone to see and though there may be more that's been said, that's enough to know what's going on.
You do realise how many guys flirt with the idea of joining the armed forces right? (it comes to nothing btw)
One Facebook message and you're getting wound up?
Why don't you trust what he says to your face unless you don't trust him?
One Facebook message and you're getting wound up?
Why don't you trust what he says to your face unless you don't trust him?
I didn't say it was one message and it's very different saying I'm thinking about it to him having made an appointment to go chat to them and fill in the forms. He was pretty set on it and I don't mind him thinking about it, I mind him telling his friends and not telling me. It's not about me not trusting what he's said to my face because it's not that we've spoken about this before and he's said no I don't want to do it to me and then said to others he is going to do it. It's a case of it seemed like how he feels about stuff had changed since we last spoke about things.
Do you know that he specifically wants to join the same forces as this friend who's away for 6 months at a time? Not every career does that, so maybe he's hoping to find a niche where he might be away for less time.
Alternatively, he hasn't brought it up because he doesn't want to lose you. You've told him you don't think a relationship will work in that scenario. He's hardly going to be in a hurry to tell you if he loves you, as much as that's the mature thing to do, he's probably avoiding the conversation.
As others have said, getting into the forces isn't always easy. It can be quite a long process. From quite a cynical point of view maybe he's hoping you'll find a job and move in and then it'll be too late.
I've got a partner in the forces, who's going to be away for 4.5 months at a time.
Alternatively, he hasn't brought it up because he doesn't want to lose you. You've told him you don't think a relationship will work in that scenario. He's hardly going to be in a hurry to tell you if he loves you, as much as that's the mature thing to do, he's probably avoiding the conversation.
As others have said, getting into the forces isn't always easy. It can be quite a long process. From quite a cynical point of view maybe he's hoping you'll find a job and move in and then it'll be too late.
I've got a partner in the forces, who's going to be away for 4.5 months at a time.
Have you told him you've read his messages yet?
I once peeked at my boyfriend's messages, more out of boredom and curiosity than mistrust or suspicion, but I ended up having to admit I'd read them and seen something I didn't like. Of course he was annoyed, but it was something that we worked through and got over together. I was honest, he did forgive me, and I got the truth from him.
Stop wondering, and just ask him!
I once peeked at my boyfriend's messages, more out of boredom and curiosity than mistrust or suspicion, but I ended up having to admit I'd read them and seen something I didn't like. Of course he was annoyed, but it was something that we worked through and got over together. I was honest, he did forgive me, and I got the truth from him.
Stop wondering, and just ask him!
Yeah, he said that he wants to join the same forces doing exactly the same job as his friend.
To be honest, having had time to think about it all now that I'm home, it's in perspective a bit. I know that he loves me and I know that he sees a future with me, he's told me that many times and I believe him. I know him and I know he wouldn't lie to me. Yes, he would keep this from me but he wouldn't lie to me. I think he didn't tell me because, like lots of you said, it's a long process and isn't definite anyway.
He didn't end up making it to the office and I think he might have rethought it in that time, though I'm not sure. We did talk about it, not about me knowing, but about it in general and if he wanted to do it, it would have been the perfect time to tell me and he didn't. He basically said that if I moved off to another country, he'd do it, but otherwise he wouldn't because of us.
I take my hat off to you fredscarecrow for sticking with your partner through that, I'm not really sure that I could. I'd definitely try it because to me, we are worth the effort of trying, but I don't know that it would last. I really hope that it does for you.
No Kat I haven't told him and I'm not going to. I've not looked at them since and I'm not going to. If this is going ahead then at some point, he'll have to tell me but I'd like it to be out of his choice. He might have changed his mind now anyway. I guess I'll find out eventually.
Thanks for all the replies and opinions. And thanks to those that have been honest about what they thought rather than just said aww don't worry everything will be fine, I know some people are easily offended by it but I appreciate it.
To be honest, having had time to think about it all now that I'm home, it's in perspective a bit. I know that he loves me and I know that he sees a future with me, he's told me that many times and I believe him. I know him and I know he wouldn't lie to me. Yes, he would keep this from me but he wouldn't lie to me. I think he didn't tell me because, like lots of you said, it's a long process and isn't definite anyway.
He didn't end up making it to the office and I think he might have rethought it in that time, though I'm not sure. We did talk about it, not about me knowing, but about it in general and if he wanted to do it, it would have been the perfect time to tell me and he didn't. He basically said that if I moved off to another country, he'd do it, but otherwise he wouldn't because of us.
I take my hat off to you fredscarecrow for sticking with your partner through that, I'm not really sure that I could. I'd definitely try it because to me, we are worth the effort of trying, but I don't know that it would last. I really hope that it does for you.
No Kat I haven't told him and I'm not going to. I've not looked at them since and I'm not going to. If this is going ahead then at some point, he'll have to tell me but I'd like it to be out of his choice. He might have changed his mind now anyway. I guess I'll find out eventually.
Thanks for all the replies and opinions. And thanks to those that have been honest about what they thought rather than just said aww don't worry everything will be fine, I know some people are easily offended by it but I appreciate it.
Not read all the replies but if I was in your boyfriends shoes I wouldn't want to know you've been looking through my personal messages. Don't say anything and let him come to you when he feels it's right.
I'd like to add, I didn't go looking through all his Facebook messages. I just went to look at the one he has with my sister because my sister is a little err... strange so they're generally quite interesting conversations. He shows me them anyway but underneath there was one where the last message said something about not going to tell me and that's why I opened and looked at it. I don't snoop through his phone and check all of his messages and Facebook, which is how I kind of made it sound looking back at it. I went to look at one thing, which would have been fine, and then saw this.
We've spoken about it now anyway and sorted it. He's not applying now but has got it as a back up plan if what he's currently doing falls through and doesn't work out. Very different to how that message read, which said he'd booked to go and see them to start the sign up so I can live with it being a back up plan, hopefully a back up plan that will never become THE plan!
We've spoken about it now anyway and sorted it. He's not applying now but has got it as a back up plan if what he's currently doing falls through and doesn't work out. Very different to how that message read, which said he'd booked to go and see them to start the sign up so I can live with it being a back up plan, hopefully a back up plan that will never become THE plan!
Don't rush anything, he is a guy, its just an application, takes a long time to process and once he has been accepted he still has to make a chouce of going into the army.
Hence what is the point of him telling you something that he hasn't succeeded or failed in.
If he fails to get in, but tells you beforehand he might not feel comfortable in front of you because he hasn't accomplished the goal.
Hence what is the point of him telling you something that he hasn't succeeded or failed in.
If he fails to get in, but tells you beforehand he might not feel comfortable in front of you because he hasn't accomplished the goal.
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