i dont allow myself to feel emotion

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Remember not to focus on externalities so much. Don't say "These people have wronged me and I need to change myself to fit in". Say "What's going on in my mind that I end up in these situations".

Get to the root of the problem. Start on yourself. Start feeling. Start practising the art of "letting go" and allowing yourself to be vulnerable around others.

I can see myself in what you wrote. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot. I've historically been quite trusting of people but I'm not as much now because of experiencing abusive relationships. I've had to channel in self-respect but the biggest challenge has been learning to trust myself. You might have to do that too. It's trusting yourself that allows you to show vulnerability around other people. When you trust yourself you don't have to put on a front with people. I'm still working on which shows how hard this is to master!

The first action you should take is to get out of your cycle of self-destructive behaviour - the meaningless ONS you're having with guys to avoid dealing with the reality of your emotions. I've been there as well. It only takes one decision to change a habit. One of my friends told me "life is a series of decisions" and he was a right. It's the courage of facing up to it and forcing yourself to make those decisions - that's what you have to do.

You need to learn how to be vulnerable before you can love again. Try not to force it and give yourself time to heal.

The thing is i cant trust myself at all. I totally thought i could read people/see the signs of a liar and a cheat, but i allow myself to be walked over. when im in love i cant and dont think rationally. i know i am partly to blame but love is the be all and end all in relationships to me- so in the past ive been physically abused, cheated on, lied to and hurt. but i still think things will improve and i still stay. I guess im a weak person, so by not allowing myself to care, im not allowing myself to be weak :frown:

Reply 21

Lucia.

Original post by Anonymous

Well I've been abusive relationship too so I know where you're coming from. It shouldn't be about whether they can change or not. Don't make your lover your project. Don't make it your responsibility for them to be good people. That should be the absolute minimum you should expect from a guy. Leave as soon as you see any sign of cheating or abuse. There are plenty of good men out there. If you have faith in that, you won't end up sticking with a poor quality guy. If relationships do anything for you, they should make you happy. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation.

You say all that is a sign you don't care but I reckon that it's a sign that you care too much. You're making other people too important in how you feel about yourself. You actually care a lot but you're trying to numb yourself to the pain. I guess the hurt you've felt has encouraged you to think that these people have rejected you personally. You still feel guilty about the fact you've been abused and cheated on. But those guys are 100% responsible for their actions. Stop blaming yourself.

Reply 22

BrookeDavis

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(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 23

Ben_LiveYourDreams

Original post by Anonymous

So basically, almost a year ago I was dumped from a long term relationship- i found out hed cheated on numerous occasions when we were together. (a 4 year relationship). Im 22.

I didnt give up on guys, I thought there would still be nice ones. I made several more guy mates. Every single one of them has either cheated/their mates have all cheated on their girlfriends. And this doesnt just run for guys- but the majority of my female friends have cheated on their boyfriends too. These are long term relationships where there other half's trust them.

I truly believe there are very few people out there who can be trusted. And I have been let down my entire life by almost everyone- family, friends, boyfriends and so on.

So after all this, I gave up all emotion in relation to 'romantic relationships'- I completely supressed it. Or at least try to. I started being a bitch to guys- not caring what they think about me. But the daft thing is I still have feelings. there is a guy i like at the moment, but I refuse to allow myself any emotion towards him. I dont get jealous or hurt about the things he does/the girls he sees. I dont worry about things.

I used to completely wear my heart on my sleeve, id fall quick and I cared. Now i couldnt care less at all. Im just sleeping with guys with no emotion and no feelings- so that when they leave i dont have to get hurt.

Does anyone else have this?

Yeah I had similar.

It was when I decided that loving and trusting people again, that my life became far more fulfilling. It means that I may get hurt, betrayed, but all that shows is that I'm stronger then those that do so, because I do not let it turn me off humanity.

Ironically the more love I have for people, the more happier I've become.

Reply 24

Daniel_R

What it is is you need time alone

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my GT-I9300

Reply 25

blondyx

Original post by Anonymous

This seems a bit contradictory..

Reply 26

Tel8

Original post by Aoide

It may be a trait typicaly found in children but that doesn't make it incorrect or less rational. If the mature view point is to just accept that life hurts and not attempt to stop it then I would rather take the childlike aproach and minimise pain. The pain caused by feeling love is worse for me than the pleasure gained from it so why would I choose to feel it- letting yourself feel uneccessary pain is poitless.

This is exactly my view- why would I choose pain?

I wasn't saying that you should feel pain unnecessarily, but it's when you learn to accept that sometimes life is painful that you can really begin to enjoy the good times and find peace- that in turn lessens the pain that you feel because you remember that there are better things out there, that you can recover and love again, and that you can feel good about yourself in relation to others regardless of one setback. It's foolish to only want happiness in a world clearly so imperfect as the one we live in. It takes a huge amount of courage and strength to accept that bad with the good and in turn see and experience more of the positive in life. I speak from experience in case you were wondering, because I've struggled with this particular issue for the majority of my life. It's only when I began to realize that although I was hurting at that moment, I could, would, and was determined to feel good again afterwards that the pain began to pass. No emotional numbing required.

Reply 27

Aoide

I wasn't saying that you should feel pain unnecessarily, but it's when you learn to accept that sometimes life is painful that you can really begin to enjoy the good times and find peace

It's foolish to only want happiness in a world clearly so imperfect as the one we live in.

I disagree, it may be foolish to expect only happiness but it is understandable for someone to want it. Would you really turn down the opurtunity to make your life less painful?

I began to realize that although I was hurting at that moment, I could, would, and was determined to feel good again afterwards that the pain began to pass. No emotional numbing required.

I don't see this as a long term solution. You have recovered from this instance but it will continue to occur. By blocking out love I prevent this ever happening again. I don't see any downside to supressing it- it is't lonely because you don't feel anything.

Reply 28

Tel8

Original post by Aoide

I already do enjoy the good times, far more than when I felt love. As someone with massive confidence issues being in love just meant I put them on a pedastal and torm myself apart for not being good enough. This combined with the fact that I often take years to move on made it harder to get on with my life. By shutting out love I let myself focus on other aspects on my life where I can achieve my aims.

I disagree, it may be foolish to expect only happiness but it is understandable for someone to want it. Would you really turn down the opurtunity to make your life less painful?

I don't see this as a long term solution. You have recovered from this instance but it will continue to occur. By blocking out love I prevent this ever happening again. I don't see any downside to supressing it- it is't lonely because you don't feel anything.

It is a long term solution, but I can't explain it to you any better. I used to be so hurt by everything and everyone in my life, just on a regular basis. When I figured out that I didn't have to take it as the end of my life each time I got my feelings hurt, life got soooo much better. Good things actually started to happen more because I wasn't constantly waiting for the big negative smack-down and missing opportunities or refusing them outright. That's all I'm saying. I'm not going to sit here and argue with you though. If you like the way you are and you truly feel like you get 100% out of life and things are going well for you, then do as you will. This isn't something anyone can convince you of anyway, it's something you have to find (or not) within yourself. I love love. I love loving others, and being loved by them- it feels so good. There's nothing like it in the world, and I choose to enjoy my own ability to feel it. I just wanted to share my experience here (and my thought process) to see if it might help someone avoid what I went through.