I can't take banter
Hey,
First of all - sorry for using the "b" word. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but whenever someone makes fun of me, even for the slightest, inconsequential thing - I just don't like it. It doesn't make me warm to the other person at all and I just end up faking it and pretending like I find it funny so the other person doesn't feel put-out. It's led to me avoiding alot of chances to socialize because I just cannot be bothered to be fake all day/night.
I'm a little introverted and I absolutely hate being the center of attention in a group. But this is another problem because the person being made fun of IS the center of attention. I've just become a recluse as a result because I dislike this 1 thing that everyone else seems to love - banter.
I do have a sense of humor. I like it when it's subtle and sarcastic and I don't even mind a little banter as long as it's in small doses or not too direct and personal. But when I'm part of a group that just lays into each other all the time I just don't want to be part of it.
What can I do?
First of all - sorry for using the "b" word. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but whenever someone makes fun of me, even for the slightest, inconsequential thing - I just don't like it. It doesn't make me warm to the other person at all and I just end up faking it and pretending like I find it funny so the other person doesn't feel put-out. It's led to me avoiding alot of chances to socialize because I just cannot be bothered to be fake all day/night.
I'm a little introverted and I absolutely hate being the center of attention in a group. But this is another problem because the person being made fun of IS the center of attention. I've just become a recluse as a result because I dislike this 1 thing that everyone else seems to love - banter.
I do have a sense of humor. I like it when it's subtle and sarcastic and I don't even mind a little banter as long as it's in small doses or not too direct and personal. But when I'm part of a group that just lays into each other all the time I just don't want to be part of it.
What can I do?
Original post by Anonymous
Hey,
First of all - sorry for using the "b" word. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but whenever someone makes fun of me, even for the slightest, inconsequential thing - I just don't like it. It doesn't make me warm to the other person at all and I just end up faking it and pretending like I find it funny so the other person doesn't feel put-out. It's led to me avoiding alot of chances to socialize because I just cannot be bothered to be fake all day/night.
I'm a little introverted and I absolutely hate being the center of attention in a group. But this is another problem because the person being made fun of IS the center of attention. I've just become a recluse as a result because I dislike this 1 thing that everyone else seems to love - banter.
I do have a sense of humor. I like it when it's subtle and sarcastic and I don't even mind a little banter as long as it's in small doses or not too direct and personal. But when I'm part of a group that just lays into each other all the time I just don't want to be part of it.
What can I do?
First of all - sorry for using the "b" word. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but whenever someone makes fun of me, even for the slightest, inconsequential thing - I just don't like it. It doesn't make me warm to the other person at all and I just end up faking it and pretending like I find it funny so the other person doesn't feel put-out. It's led to me avoiding alot of chances to socialize because I just cannot be bothered to be fake all day/night.
I'm a little introverted and I absolutely hate being the center of attention in a group. But this is another problem because the person being made fun of IS the center of attention. I've just become a recluse as a result because I dislike this 1 thing that everyone else seems to love - banter.
I do have a sense of humor. I like it when it's subtle and sarcastic and I don't even mind a little banter as long as it's in small doses or not too direct and personal. But when I'm part of a group that just lays into each other all the time I just don't want to be part of it.
What can I do?
Find a new group.
Although, a little life advice - you should learn to roll with the punches. Future bosses/girlfriends/clients may enjoy a bit of banter and if you automatically cringe at it or take yourself too seriously you'll get nowhere. Why do you take it so badly? Lighten up. All you (or any of us) are is a sack of flesh, blood and bones, beyond that who cares what anyone says about you. And from being part of a group where banter is rife the best way to get the attention off of you is to genuinely not care! I.e. if a friend calls someone in our group baldy/fatty/**** etc etc if you get defensive you become the target for hundreds more of that comment, if you play along or shrug it off they stop, it's not intentional - it's human nature!
I personally love banter but only do it with people I know well and who I know don't mind (give as much as they get lol)... I don't believe banter with people you're only just getting to know is appropriate as it can be taken the wrong way.
Typical convo with a new friend:
Me: hey how you doing?
Them: I'm good thanks you?
Typical convo with my best friend of over 10yrs:
Me: Wassup man whore
Them: hey broke b***h
It's all love lool
This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
Typical convo with a new friend:
Me: hey how you doing?
Them: I'm good thanks you?
Typical convo with my best friend of over 10yrs:
Me: Wassup man whore
Them: hey broke b***h
It's all love lool
This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
It sounds like you take yourself too seriously.
My friendship group is based of being rude to each other, and I know this will sound strange but when my friends are mean to me it feels kind of nice as it makes me feel like they are comfortable enough with me to say what they like and dispite my flaws they like me anyway because they have turned something perhaps negative about me into something to laugh about.
My friendship group is based of being rude to each other, and I know this will sound strange but when my friends are mean to me it feels kind of nice as it makes me feel like they are comfortable enough with me to say what they like and dispite my flaws they like me anyway because they have turned something perhaps negative about me into something to laugh about.
Original post by odkfn
Although, a little life advice - you should learn to roll with the punches. Future bosses/girlfriends/clients may enjoy a bit of banter and if you automatically cringe at it or take yourself too seriously you'll get nowhere. Why do you take it so badly? Lighten up. All you (or any of us) are is a sack of flesh, blood and bones, beyond that who cares what anyone says about you. And from being part of a group where banter is rife the best way to get the attention off of you is to genuinely not care! I.e. if a friend calls someone in our group baldy/fatty/**** etc etc if you get defensive you become the target for hundreds more of that comment, if you play along or shrug it off they stop, it's not intentional - it's human nature!
This is a step too far, friends yeah, bosses no. Not unless you're friendly with them. I can take some pretty harsh things but some people can't and that's perfectly fine and they should not be judged.
And if a friend overstepped the mark I would tell them about it. This whole "banter" thing (we're mates lets be total c**** to each other) is ridiculous, where did it even start? I shouldn't have to tolerate something just to please other people and neither should the OP, surely
That's the risk you take with it though, if you tease someone you barely know, they could get offended. That's your fault not theirs.
Original post by Anonymous
What can I do?
Desensitise a bit.
Sorry mate, while banter isn't something to be proud of, you're going to go through life having to deal with people and events that don't always go your way.
I loath to say this but perhaps you need to 'man up' a bit?
Sometimes banter is just used an excuse for being ****ing rude or bullying.
I am very into put downs and bullying banter, if I think other people are using banter as a way of being rude or bullying people. Give the ****ers a piece of their own medicine.
I am very into put downs and bullying banter, if I think other people are using banter as a way of being rude or bullying people. Give the ****ers a piece of their own medicine.
It's obvious, some people are able to take banter better than others.
In my opinion banter should just be left to close friends or just people you know well enough and who'll understand that you're not serious or trying to hurt their feelings.
But if new friends or acquaintances engage in banter I'll find it unacceptable myself. I mean....if you don't know the kind of person they are and the things they say it'll be generally hard to decipher whether its just banter or if they're just a ****. And no offence to that person, but I would personally like to get to know them better before we have that kind of relationship.
Don't get me wrong, in my friendship group we sometimes engage in probably the most demeaning of banter, like insulting each others ethnicities, races, bodies etc. But that's only because we all know each other so well and the banter didn't begin until we did.
But unfortunately as we don't live in fairly land people aren't always going to behave to our specific ideals (as evidenced in this thread in which people are telling the OP to man up). Since different people have different beliefs, and in this life you're going to come across hundreds if not thousands of individuals who'll have differing views regarding banter, and if you got butthurt over each and every individual incident life will be a struggle for you.
In my opinion banter should just be left to close friends or just people you know well enough and who'll understand that you're not serious or trying to hurt their feelings.
But if new friends or acquaintances engage in banter I'll find it unacceptable myself. I mean....if you don't know the kind of person they are and the things they say it'll be generally hard to decipher whether its just banter or if they're just a ****. And no offence to that person, but I would personally like to get to know them better before we have that kind of relationship.
Don't get me wrong, in my friendship group we sometimes engage in probably the most demeaning of banter, like insulting each others ethnicities, races, bodies etc. But that's only because we all know each other so well and the banter didn't begin until we did.
But unfortunately as we don't live in fairly land people aren't always going to behave to our specific ideals (as evidenced in this thread in which people are telling the OP to man up). Since different people have different beliefs, and in this life you're going to come across hundreds if not thousands of individuals who'll have differing views regarding banter, and if you got butthurt over each and every individual incident life will be a struggle for you.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Wilfred Little
This is a step too far, friends yeah, bosses no. Not unless you're friendly with them. I can take some pretty harsh things but some people can't and that's perfectly fine and they should not be judged.
And if a friend overstepped the mark I would tell them about it. This whole "banter" thing (we're mates lets be total c**** to each other) is ridiculous, where did it even start? I shouldn't have to tolerate something just to please other people and neither should the OP, surely
That's the risk you take with it though, if you tease someone you barely know, they could get offended. That's your fault not theirs.
And if a friend overstepped the mark I would tell them about it. This whole "banter" thing (we're mates lets be total c**** to each other) is ridiculous, where did it even start? I shouldn't have to tolerate something just to please other people and neither should the OP, surely
That's the risk you take with it though, if you tease someone you barely know, they could get offended. That's your fault not theirs.
I dont mean a future boss as in at a job interview he might say "alright, fatty?" etc, but once you've got the job and known him a bit (or her) and you're sort of friends but they're still your boss, if they say something that is in a jesting way and you turn sour then it's human nature to not be as favourable towards someone who you don't get on with. And as you said, it is the way it is, no-one knows when it started, but it's there. You could say "well I don't want to pay tax, so if other people want to they can, but I shouldn't HAVE to" but it's just one of those things where most people do something so, yes, you can opt out of partaking in banter, which you have every right to, but in the long run it'll probably hinder you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone and I don't hand out insults under the guise of banter, and all I'm saying is that - from my experience - the people who can't take it are the ones who normally get victimised the most. Words are just words (especially when said with no mal-intent).
Care less about what people think.
It's easier said than done but to begin with all you have to do is to tell yourself that their opinion has no bearing on how you feel. Then, tease them back because that's what banter is about.
But one thing,
if they say something really out of hand, don't stand for it. No one can tell you how you should feel. If you get upset and someone says "Well it was only a joke", they're skirting away from accepting that they upset you.
It's easier said than done but to begin with all you have to do is to tell yourself that their opinion has no bearing on how you feel. Then, tease them back because that's what banter is about.
But one thing,
if they say something really out of hand, don't stand for it. No one can tell you how you should feel. If you get upset and someone says "Well it was only a joke", they're skirting away from accepting that they upset you.
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