Hey, this probably sounds wierd as hell but it's really really bothering me at the moment so I was wondering if anyone had experienced anything similar. Sorry if this is a bit long winded but I don't really know how to explain it without giving a bigger picture first!
I'm 21 and first developed problems with anxiety when I was about 10 and started having regular panic attacks. I guess at the time I mainly worried about my health and my family's health. I don't really remember much about the treatment I got for them but I was taught to recognise my physical symptoms as anxiety and got the panic attacks under control. I haven't had a full blown one since I was 12 or 13, but still sometimes get sort of mini anxiety attacks (feels like the start of them, but never reaches a point where I am hyperventilating or anything cos I am aware of what it is and that it will pass), and I don't feel like the internal feelings of worry or anxiety have ever really gone away, although they have repeatedly waxed and waned over time. When I was 16 the worrying started to get much worse again, this time all surrounding body image and social anxiety. Again it waxes and wanes, the anxious feelings are constantly there and I struggle with overthinking but sometimes I can function okay with it niggling away in the background and other times I can't leave the house due to appearance worries/wanting to avoid awkward situations, but even when it is at its worst my physical symptoms are still under control, although I have a tendency to feel low at these times and have been self-harming as a result. I guess this is where my question comes in, I put off going to my GP for 5 years because I was scared they wouldn't believe me because the physical symptoms are not that bad and when I am in my comfort zone I feel ok. When I finally plucked up the courage to go, I was referred to the iapt programme thing and after my assessment with them I've been put straight on the waiting list for some individual CBT which should start in the new year but in the mean time I'm just sitting tight or I might go to my GP when I get back to uni to see if there is a shorter waiting time there than at home (although the worry i'm about to describe might stop me from doing that). I guess because maybe I don't suffer from physical anxiety symptoms I can't control, and I have a pretty good talent for hiding my emotions/worries from others so people might not necessarily be able to tell that anything is wrong, I can't stop thinking what if I don't have an anxiety disorder at all, that somehow i'm lying to myself and others about it and it's something that i've convinced myself I have but don't really? I told two of my closest friends that i've been referred for CBT and since then I feel constantly paranoid that they don't believe me and think i'm a massive liar, or that I exaggerate or attention seek, and then I sort of think what if that is true and start to feel really guilty and stuff, I can't stop thinking about it and i'm dreaming about it and all sorts! Does anyone get what I mean or does that just sound really wierd?