I have had to drop out of doing exams again. Going into my old school today was hellish. The teacher's were very snarky and pretty much blamed me. They said it was my decison not to do the work. I am pretty sure the word descison constiutes an ablity to do otherwise and I couldn't have done otherwise, because I am sick. Walking down the road home afterwards everyone kept staring at me. When I looked in the mirror when I got back I saw why: I looked crazy. I have purple under my eyes from not sleeping and my eyelids are brusined from crying so much. I nearly ODed but ended up chicking out. Even though I still feel wretched I'm glad I didn't. I guess I've just got to go back to rebuilding my life, this time realiseing that despite the fact that everyone else is telling me that I could get better if I tried and wanted to, I can't and I need medication and professional help or something. Unfortnaly I am estranged from all mental health services here. I guess I shall go and try and get some work or something, even though my self esteem is so shot I don't even feel ready to apply for charity shop work in case I screw it up. I really, really really wanted to go to uni this year. Literally my whole life is built around me wanting to study. I am very lonely right now, all my friends are away during term time. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless. At least before I thought that people would help me out and I would get better. Now it feels like this is a long term problem and nobody cares. The teacher at school said it to me:"You're twenty years old, an adult, nobody's going to look after you anymore" The problem is I can't look after myself, and now that nobody cares, who's going to make sure I don't fall through the cracks?
Sorry for this miserable ramble. I feel shot to bits.