This is going to be a depressing post. Also a long one. But I need to talk about this.
I was going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We were best friends before that and would hang out loads. After we become boyfriend and girlfriend we still saw each other as best friends as well. We were living together in a student house when we started our relationship. So I guess in a way we missed the stage of dating and getting to know each other and we got so close to each other fast. At the time I worried things were moving too quickly but they worked out perfectly. When the next year of uni came we still lived in the same house as each other.
We've always had separate rooms (but our rooms are next to each other) so we could do our own thing, but we would spend some time with each other every/most days, mostly in the evening and during the day/evening at weekends. We would sleep in the same bed and wake up together every morning, we would cook together everyday. If I had any worries then he would be the first person I talked to. I would also just chat to him about any random thing. He was the person I trusted most (except my family). I could do stupid things with him without caring. I felt so comfortable with him. I loved him so much and I thought he loved me too. We were meant to be living together with other students next year at uni too.
Last week, he cheated on me. He went on a night out, ended up drinking way too much and got together with some girl and ended up going back to her house. That same night I woke up at a ridiculously early time in the morning and as soon as I discovered he hadn't come back home I started worrying, anything could have happened to him. I phoned him and no answer. Eventually he phoned back with some obvious made up story and I asked him if he had been with a girl. He hung up straight away and wouldn't talk to me. The next day by text he told me how angry and sick he felt that I accused him of cheating (although I didn't accuse him) and blah blah and I felt ridiculously guilty, because I did trust him. I spent the whole day hating myself but still had hopes this would fix itself and that he just needed some time to cool down. We both needed to talk properly but he said he didn't want to talk to me until after the weekend.
The day after I noticed on facebook that he was now single. He didn't even have the guts to break up with me to my face. I had to find out on facebook which made me so upset and angry. He said that he still wanted to be friends and hang out with me though. The next day was his birthday party which he said he wanted me at.
So I turned up. It was so difficult to be there, and not be my normal self around this guy who two days before was my boyfriend. It was extremely hard. Then hours later I found out from a friend that he had cheated on me so of course I confronted him straight away. Shouted at him more like. I was so angry that he lied to me. He still carried on lying about some things even after I found out. His response was that he couldn't be bothered to listen to me and that he wouldn't let me ruin his birthday. I would much rather if he had come to me the next day and told me he went off with some girl. It would still have hurt, but at least then I would know that he is a decent guy for telling me. but no. he couldn't even do that.
After a lot of crying and support from a housemate I phoned my mum who come to pick me up.
The next day I returned to the uni house and me and the cheater talked. He said he don't know why he did it, he was so drunk and didn't remember anything. He said that it hurt for him and he needed to get over me too. He said that he didn't tell me about him cheating because he didn't want to hurt me. He said he still loved me and he wish he didn't do what he did but now he just wants to be good friends.
Some days later it became clear that he's been hiding so much from me. It appears that it wasn't just a stupid one night stand, he knew this girl before. Who knows if anything has happened between them on nights out before!! He says that nothing has happened before but I don't know whether to believe him or not. I believe that he is still talking to her. It feels like he is hiding so much from me. I know the truth and he still feels the need to lie to me.
It's hard for me to be in the same house as him. Whenever I see him/hear him moving around/hear his voice I get angry and then that makes me sad.
I still love this guy. I hate him for what he has done to me, but I still love him. I can't just switch off feelings like that. I feel like I have lost a best friend as well as a boyfriend. It's been 10 days since that night out and I have cried every day since. He says that he wants to be friends and since I found out about the cheating and we've talked, he has talked to me every day since on facebook, just about general stuff that we'd normally talk about. Although I haven't said much. When we see each other in the house he acts friendly towards me although I find it hard to act friendly back. I think he has started seeing this girl that he cheated on me with. I have no evidence, but that's what it seems like... I think he might have even stayed at her house then other night...so it didn't take him long to get over me! It wonders whether he really liked me at all in the first place.
I just don't know what to do! I see him always going out with his friends since this happened. I have no one. I sit in my room each night feeling sorry for myself. I have.. acquaintances. But I don't have any proper friends really. Everyone has now moved out of our student house for easter except me and this cheating guy because we still have uni next week. I have so much uni work to do and deadlines and I just can't concentrate, I just feel like giving up. I just can't work.
I actually feel like I don't want to live any more. It sounds pathetic feeling this over one guy. But this guy has been a massive part of my life for over two years, I can't forget that in a hurry. I feel like I have nothing except my uni work and I can see myself failing that now. I have tried so hard to stay positive over the last few days, I really have tried. I miss this guy too much. I even tried getting drunk in the evenings to make them go faster and it worked, but I felt even worse in the mornings. I've been missing uni lectures and I just feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. I feel so sad and hurt and betrayed. I have never felt so sad and hurt in all my life before and I just don't know what to do!
I'm only writing this because I want someone to talk to about it. I have talked to my mum and a housemate about the whole thing but I can't keep going on and on about it and I've told them how hurt etc I am but haven't told them my true feelings. I hate that he's getting on with his life and I can't. I want him to see me getting on with my life, I don't want him to see me all depressed and sad, I want him to think I'm over this already. But every time I try, things seem to go the other way and get worse. I know it's early days yet, it hasn't even been 2 weeks. But I feel so depressed already and just want to end this sadness.
I don't know what to do with myself!
If anyone is going to write a negative comment about this then just don't bother. You can't make me feel any more worse than I am feeling right now.
Thanks for reading if you have got to the bottom of this!