I'm fed up of never being a daughter to my dad, who has bipolar and other stuff. He's never treated us like a daughter, relies on us for everything, even when we try to help him to help himself he'd rather us do things, he's always being selfish and the second we mention it to him, he blames it on his bipolar and acts like all the world is against him. At the moment it's worse than ever, he's being selfish and arrogant and irritating and to be honest, a lot of it isn't the illness, it's just his attitude, it's the way all his family always have been and he's behaving exactly the same, still with no regard for the way it makes us feel.
I'm 17 and I'm the oldest of my siblings, so whilst the majority of the caring for my dad has been my mom, I've been the one who's always looked after my mom and helped with my brother and sister, who are 12 and 10 and can't really help very much. I'm missing lots of college because I'm worried about them and how he'll be when we're out, a couple of years ago he had an online affair with a woman, when he was found out he wanted pity, locked himself in the bathroom and ended up spending a week in the psychiatric unit. Once again it was all about himself. He made all these promises about changing, yet he never did, but we believed him, took him back and now look where it's got us. I went through depression a couple of years ago and his behaviour was a major factor in it.
It's making my mom really unhappy but he's refusing to see how bad it is, we want him to go into respite just to give us a few weeks to sort ourselves out but he refuses and the mental health team don't think he's ill enough to warrant any help because when he goes to see them, he acts like he's doing great and really making a difference - and that the only problem is that he "can't deal" with my mom shouting, which is BS because she only ever shouts when he's refusing to see what he's doing.
It's like he's the child and we're all adults, and he doesn't seem to want to get better - it's like he enjoys being ill because it gives him an excuse to get away with whatever he wants to do. He's arrogant and self-obsessed and I feel like I haven't had a childhood thanks to him. I'm going to uni in September and I'm scared about leaving them, because I don't want my brother and sister to end up missing out on enjoying their early teens like I did, and I don't know how my mom is going to cope - I'm the only one she can really talk to, we don't live in a very accepting community and none of the agencies that should be forthcoming with help are, because my dad manages to persuade them that he's fine and it's mom who has the problem and makes out things are bad, so they all refuse to listen to her.
I've decided I want nothing more to do with him - I'll help mom to look after him, and I'll carry on helping my brother and sister, but as far as I'm concerned, I don't want him to talk to me anymore, I don't want to let myself or anyone else get hurt by him and I don't care about him anymore - I said the other day, "I may not like him sometimes but I still love him", but I can see the way he's hurting my mom and everything he's done, the hundreds of times we've given him chances and the way he's thrown them all back in our faces, and I don't love him anymore - I hate him, and I don't want to be around him.
Part of me feels like this is selfish - he's ill, and he needs our support and it's my job to care for him - but I'm so angry at the moment, because he plays up to his illnesses, and uses us for our support and gives us nothing in return, and I'm 17, I should have happy memories of my childhood and of my dad, not just seeing my dad as the person who made me different to everyone else, and made it so that I couldn't have friends round if he wasn't feeling up to it, and always having to plan things around him, and I feel like I'm justified in feeling like this.
I'm expecting loads of TL;DRs but if anyone can give me their opinions or advice I'd really appreciate it.
TL;DR: My dad is selfish and plays up to his illnesses, never makes the effort to change no matter how much help we offer him, is it selfish of me to not want anything to do with him anymore?