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to ask or not to ask

So i really need help as i guess i could be bordering on social anxiety due to this problem.

I knew this girl during freshers week and we were alright with each other. However in this clique that we used to belong together in, she seemed closer to others than to me. Which to me seemed rather normal at that point of time since i was never a "clique person". I like to hang out with everyone but that clique is rather exclusive. We hung out with each other for about the first month of freshers.

However, one fine day my friends came to tell me that they think this girl is very fake in her actions and is a hypocrite. I did not really want to gossip and, like i always do, i just said "o really? I never thought that way" Yet since then i did realise that what they said were true especially in her treatment towards me. She is alot more sincere and nice to the others in the group. When we go out together she would ask to take a photo with everyone but me, until i go "hey lets take one too" (in a casual tone of course) .

Soon, as work load became more than what i could handle (two months into the year), and getting into certain leadership positions sure didn't help, i decided to leave this clique in the sense that i do not join them for meals and outings anymore and naturally, as time passes they do not invite me as well ,since i guess attendance is important when u wanna be part of them. Then, she became more than distant...she became rude. Once she sat next to me, and i told her that the girl in front of us got a boyfriend. She then, instead of replying me, turned to the girl and told her what i said, then telling me then i deserved it since she was right in front. That made me started ignoring her too..it's one thing to be angry, and i figured it's another thing to be rude...so if u can't be matured about your anger, I dont want her as a friend as well.

Also, one time i was trying to campaign for a position and talked to her about voting in the library. Then i decided i should apologise, just in case she got angry about it since she was studying. She said it was ok. Later on in the day my friend told me that she mentioned she was angry since i disturbed her during her studies.

These incidents made me rather angry and didn't really want to talk to her as well. However, as my anger subsided, i tried to just smile/say hi when i see her, and she would with a mumble.reply Not long after that, she just doesn't say hi anymore and when she sees that i am in front of her she would take another route just to avoid direct contact with me. since then even when i see her face to face i will turn away too cos i can no longer be bothered to be nice to her.

However, I always believed that no one will ignore you for no reason so this is really a first in my life. I did not ask her outright because i figured that if someone is angry with you, asking might make matters worse. But things just developed till i didnt wanna talk to her as well.

So basically my question is shld i ask her why for a peace of mind (bearing in mind that when she sees me now she just avoids me...and that she's been rude to me. Also not to mention that it's been a year plus) , or should i just let her be.

I dont want her as a friend anymore, but i've NEVER had someone be angry without a reason before, and when i dont see her, i dont really think about this—i rarely do see her around..but this year during exams, she sat behind me...so it made me think about the "possible reason" again..

Friends told me that the fact that i've been ignoring her too, asking her now would make it look as if im up to something, and it's not like she will make an effort to reply nicely..but do you guys think i should try just for curiousity's sake, or save my pride and self-esteem from potential verbal abuse/smirks and live with the curiousity?
(edited 11 years ago)

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You just need a moment where you can work together as a pair or help with work etc, and she how she is when you are communicating, and then just 'drop it in' nicely.
Original post by CJG21
You just need a moment where you can work together as a pair or help with work etc, and she how she is when you are communicating, and then just 'drop it in' nicely.


thanks but i figured if i were EVER to ask, it's a direct approach-and-ask thing becos there will never be a time when we need to work together since we're uni students, and our course has no projects..all essays..do u feel that i shld actually ask in the first place then?
Original post by curiousitykillsthe
thanks but i figured if i were EVER to ask, it's a direct approach-and-ask thing becos there will never be a time when we need to work together since we're uni students, and our course has no projects..all essays..do u feel that i shld actually ask in the first place then?


I don't see the harm. If you two don't talk anyway, then her being in a mood with you even more if it goes badly shouldn't be a problem.
Original post by CJG21
I don't see the harm. If you two don't talk anyway, then her being in a mood with you even more if it goes badly shouldn't be a problem.


maybe a facebook message? :tongue: Thing is i feel weird cos i've been ignoring her too? lol
Seriously dude... WHY would someone ignore another person outta no reason...i mean obviously there's the absolute possibility of us simply drifting apart, but she was downright rude..
A better thing to do would be to get a friend of yours who is fine with her to talk to her about you, and then they can be a bitch to her and tell you what she said.
Reply 6
Avatar for tamimi
tamimi
16
Can't believe there isn't a "Tl;Dr" comment.
Original post by CJG21
A better thing to do would be to get a friend of yours who is fine with her to talk to her about you, and then they can be a bitch to her and tell you what she said.


well to begin with, when i was friends with her clique, her friend said she NEVER talked about me until the voting thing and she said "jillian was disturbing me"..which made me feel she really is angry at nothing since thats all she can gossip about..but another possibility is that the friend wasnt completely honest..

In any case, it's a dirty job becos she is rather foul-mouthed and most of my friends dont like her (even before i did) .. and those who do, i dont know if i trust them enough to ask them to help...cos they might tell her...
If I was you, I'd talk to her as soon as possible in person. But, if she has been a bitch to you, you could just spread rumours about her for the fun of it? I'm sure I heard that she was pregnant and a hermaphrodite?
Original post by CJG21
If I was you, I'd talk to her as soon as possible in person. But, if she has been a bitch to you, you could just spread rumours about her for the fun of it? I'm sure I heard that she was pregnant and a hermaphrodite?


assuming asking a friend is not an option, and i'vee been ignoring her too, shld i ask her since it's been about a year plus since we last spoke? Or is it ask a friend way, or the high way? lol
i suddenly feel that im asking to satisfy a curiousity and thats with the risk of loookin VERY stupid since someone like her will not give me a nice answer n i might just get a metaphorical slap...
Tl;Dr
Original post by tamimi
Can't believe there isn't a "Tl;Dr" comment.



Original post by Ice Constricter
Tl;Dr

haha sorry.
basically there's a girl whom i used to be on friendly terms with for about a month..she suddenly got really rude and pissy..becos i was offended too, i just tried to be nice but it got to a point where being nice was making me look stupid, so i ignored her as well.. Its been more than a year since we last spoke but i am still curious as to why she started ignoring me in the first place... am wondering if i shld ask, or just let it go. I feel that if i ask, n if shes rude to me it reflects badly on her but at least i've tried..most friends say it's not worth trying.
Reply 13
Avatar for Jilly.0
Jilly.0
Ur experience sound like what i went thru last year.

Basically, give it up girl...plenty of people out there who will not like you in the future, not because I know you personally and think that you are weird, but simply because you can never please everyone—no one can. If you already do not like her, it really does not matter what she thinks? I know of people who probably do not likely even before I got to know them further, which sounds like your case. I wouldn't bother asking each of them "so why did you not like me?". If i care so much about what that person thinks, it's either he/she is Einstein, or i want their friendship, if not, then why give a heck? Not to mention how awkward you'll look since it's been so long.

If she wanted to be your friend, you being civil before gave her a chance to say something already. The fact that she got rather bitchy in the end shows that you asking will not give you "the reason" that you are looking for, and I don't even know why you really want to know the reason if you don't like her as well.

Find other people who are truly worth your time.
Reply 14
Avatar for Jilly.0
Jilly.0
also, just a final thought, if it's someone i never cliqued with, she probably doesnt like me for a reason i wont agree with—you asking for a reason will just allow u to be able to (in your heart) defend yourself because you two don't look like you will ever be friends and what's the point of that? :smile:
Reply 15
Avatar for tamimi
tamimi
16
Original post by curiousitykillsthe
haha sorry.
basically there's a girl whom i used to be on friendly terms with for about a month..she suddenly got really rude and pissy..becos i was offended too, i just tried to be nice but it got to a point where being nice was making me look stupid, so i ignored her as well.. Its been more than a year since we last spoke but i am still curious as to why she started ignoring me in the first place... am wondering if i shld ask, or just let it go. I feel that if i ask, n if shes rude to me it reflects badly on her but at least i've tried..most friends say it's not worth trying.


Probably just a break down in communication. Ask, but be ready for the worst.
I know what you mean. There is a boy in my year who is really arrogant and up himself. Many people think he is arrogant but you cant really do anything about it.
Literally just curious what she might potentially tell others about me..tho i guess ur right about leaving it...no one will be that frank when confronted with such qns unless they are ur true friendds...and she doesnt seem to be one to me.
Original post by Jilly.0
also, just a final thought, if it's someone i never cliqued with, she probably doesnt like me for a reason i wont agree with—you asking for a reason will just allow u to be able to (in your heart) defend yourself because you two don't look like you will ever be friends and what's the point of that? :smile:


so ur saying that it's probably a subjective reason and even if i use that to "improve knowledge of my behaviour" people dont like people all the time for various reasons and no reason to change myself for such a person?
Original post by Frodo Baggins
I know what you mean. There is a boy in my year who is really arrogant and up himself. Many people think he is arrogant but you cant really do anything about it.


Many people think this girl is fake too but im just curious..so ur saying that there's no point in thinking ur in the wrong for such a person and i shld just move on? If she goes round spreading stuff about me people can juddge for themselves?

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