Patronising parent

I just turned 18 a week ago today, and yet my mum still treats me like I'm 12 years old - three months before I leave home for university.

Maybe I only have myself to blame because I have no real close friends to go out and spend time with in order to distance my relationship with my parents; I'm just a lonely nerd stuck at home for the summer.

The problem is, her attitude towards me doesn't put me in a good mindset for university which is where I'll need to be independent and have her trust in me in order to feel self-sufficient and confident.

I have only three more months at home and then I'm leaving, but is it right for me to be treated this way? Do I deserve it for being a hermit?

Reply 1

Ladyliesel

It depends on what she does to make you feel patronised. I wouldn't say it's completely someone’s fault but she may be just looking out for you if you seem isolated. Just sit down with her some time and tell her that you appreciate her concern but you need some space to grow. Living at university may more intimidating but if you can prove that you can do things for yourself she’ll realise you’ve got it covered. Just prove her wrong by being responsible.

My mum has always been over-protective of me and I wish she’d let me do more growing up so I was better prepared.

Reply 2

HCubed

I think you would be better having this conversation with your mum rather than here. Just try and make your case very calmly and without accusing her, make it more about what she can do to help you as you face leaving home.

Reply 3

tooti

The best thing to do is just put up with it for the 3 months, make sure you are completely organised and prepared for living away from home, then just go to uni and have a great time. You might feel a bit like you've been thrown in the deep end but you'll enjoy the independence and its a great way to show you have grown up and you are capable of having your own life! Make the most of your time there and i'm sure you'll make friends, it will be pretty life changing and you might even end up missing home sometimes!

Reply 4

Orphan

Original post by HCubed

Excellent advice!

Reply 5

Shelly_x

I'm 20 years old, have lived on my own for two years and my mother still thinks I don't know how to do anything around the house...

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Lol she sounds like my asian mother. I've lived away at uni for 2 years and she still worries a lot about me and treats me like a kid. She doesnt let me stay over for the night at a mates house for goodness for fear i'm going to get raped... It is frustrating. My parents would still treat me like a kid even if i'm bloody 25.

If only she knew how quickly her little girl grew up at uni ...

Reply 7

sliceofcake

Original post by Anonymous

I'm in a very similar position to you but I don't really think that my mum has the exact same attitude. I'm home most of the time and I'm close to my parents. My mum doesn't see the point in washing and ironing clothes seperately so she'll do those for me, she's the one who cooks sunday dinner and anything we eat in the week is usually made by her doing the main things and me helping.

I don't think you should distance yourself. I thought about this too and I can't see how it would help, it's great to have a good relationship with your parents. I think you should take a different approach, similar to one that I'm taking. I don't know how to cook very much so I ask a lot of questions about temperatures and how to know when food is done etc and every so often I ask her to teach me to cook certain food. She'll just give me advice and let me do everything in front of her.
I talked to her about considering getting a student bank account but rather than just asking her what she thinks or what she suggests, I just told her that I will be looking more into it closer to the time and will decide when I've done my research; showing her I can properly look after my own finances. It's these gradual little things that remind her I AM growing up and moving out soon and they really boost my confidence. I'm not as worried any more about how I'll look after myself when I leave.

EDIT: I just remembered that the title is "PATRONISING parent" which tells me that if you do stuff like what I'm doing she might just brush you off and say "oh you don't need to worry about that now" or "I'll do it". If this is the case, you need to be firm with her. Tell her that you DO need to know now, because when will you ever know? Does she want you to live without being able to look after yourself? You don't want to depend on her forever. Today my mum taught me to make scrambled eggs (I knew how but never did it myself) and my dad just said "oh I know how to make those". Well dad, I'm glad you do but I don't and I need to know should I want to make some when I move out.