Crazy about my (soon to be) ex boyfriend's friend

I've been prompted by the 'inappropriate crush' thread to have a good ramble about my situation..so this may be a bit long! I've been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years and over the last 6 months we've started to drift apart mutually (well..almost!)..he's still clinging on a bit more than I am but I plan on ending things officially tomorrow. The main problems (for me) have been:

1. He has no ambition/enthusiasm/zest for life! he's a little older than me and is far too content with festering in a chair on a saturday night and drinking beer (he's only 25 though to be fair!)
2. He was also moving a bit too fast for me..talking about marriage/kids..mortages!! I'm 21 and although I'm very driven and settled on what I want to do career-wise I still enjoy going out loads and acting as 21 year olds should!
3. He's rubbish in bed and has made no effort to improve on this despite discussing things. This sounds petty but sex is a big deal and its not so much that he's **** technique-wise (although he is!)...it's more that he's lazy and dosent have an ounce of passion..he seems to enjoy himself but it's just dull & I've tried my best to make it better..I'm a very sexual person & have never had this problem before!!!
4. He's just selfish & never really does anything nice for me...bascially if it involves too much effort or going out of his way he won't do it...and if it wasnt for me thinking of stuff to do and planning stuff we wouldnt go anywhere together.

The problems for him I guess is that I whine about the above all the time & try and make him into someone he isnt or someone he used to be...and pressure him for sex! So as you can guess we're a bit incompatible.

Anyway none of thats really relevant..the thing is I'm really into one of his friends. It's not just sexual..he has all the things my boyfriend lacks (well I dont know about the sex part yet!). He's ambitious, intelligent, hardworking, fun..up for stuff socially etc etc and we get on really well. But I'm faced with two problems...

1. I'm not sure if he feels the same way - he playfights & flirts with me..always seems to rememeber stuff I've mentioned and takes an interest in my life..seems keen on inviting me to everything...and he generally isnt a flirt with other people..he's quite reserved..but I don't know if this is just me wishful thinking and he really likes me as a friend? Although I'm usually good at picking up on these things. Anyone got any suggestions on how I can test the waters without destroying our friendship etc?

2. This is the main one...even if it's mutual there's the fact that he's my boyfriend (or ex bfs) friend...and firstly Id have to wait a fair bit until I tried anything...secondly even if he does like me he might not want to keep in touch after I break with the boyfriend because he'll be worried it will piss him off...and lastly even if we do still hang out he might not want to get together for that reason (as he is a nice guy!)

I know it's not exactly a major problem...but been on my mind for a fair bit and we have lots of mutual friends so not many people I can talk to about it! Any advice appreciated :smile:

Reply 1

Floofy

11

I think he sees you as his mate's bird.

And if they're good friends then its not likely to happen.

Reply 2

Irrelevance

16

If he's a good friend of your boyfriend, he wouldn't date you. That being said, you should have a think because since your boyfriend was so terrible in your eyes, anything which comes along and appears vaguely appealing is going to look good. It's like being told you've got chlamydia after you've been diagnosed with AIDS. It doesn't seem bad but it is.

Reply 3

spartakist

14

If he birds you he will be a pariah amongst his friends

Bromance>Romance

OP

Ah..my boyfriend isnt terrible by any means...he's a nice lad..just a bit of a **** boyfriend..or to me anyway! It's not like I havent had other options so his friend isnt the first person to come along...and I wouldnt mess things about if I wasnt crazy about him. Nice use of STD analogy though! You're both right obviously..but I suppose I'm hoping he does have a thing for me & he isnt such a good friend in an ideal world..I'm sure this situation isnt that uncommon!

Reply 6

miki_da_magpie

2

If he is a "friend" to your boyfriend then he wouldn't go near you after you dumped ur bf. If he's a "friend"

Reply 7

ellx

OP

I'm not saying I'm going to try it on the week after I end it with my boyfriend..but if I stay in touch with his friend as friends...I don't think it would be unreasonable say a few months down the line when he's probably found someone else himself?

Reply 8

ellx

OP

I just prob also mention that me & his friend already hang out just the two of us while I've been with my boyfriend (with my bf being aware). So it isnt like I just see him through my boyfriend.

Reply 9

ourlastmemory

15

My advice would be in general don't go there, I've been there, contrary to what others have said the bf's friend in question went there, and is a pretty good friend to him still. My ex bf never found out thankfully, the whole thing had to be slightly nipped in the bud but yeah, it's a lot more stress than it's worth unless you're willing to seriously hurt your boyfriend's feelings and risk his friendship with the other guy.

Reply 10

jumpingjesusholycow

18

Don't you think going out with his friend is a bit of a kick in the face? Don't you have any respet for him at all? I personally would never consider going out with a gf/ex's friend.

Reply 11

ellx

OP

Yeah, I realise it's **** of me. But it's not like I just think he's goodlooking & want to sleep with him despite my bfs feelings...it's more I'd like to go out with him..and it's rare I click with someone so well. You can't help who you fall for & I don't make a habit of messing people around. Eh..I know it's selfish but lets face it if I do manage to keep in touch with him and if it is mutual somethings going to happen..so my question really was does anyone have any advice on how to I can subtly see if the feelings mutual rather than it blowing up in my face! If you disagree then just pretend my question was 'I'm single and fancy a bloke I've just met and is a complete stranger to all my ex's' etc :/

Reply 12

MBibzle

If the concept of respecting his friends' wishes are not lost on him, then i wouldn't approach him.

Reply 13

JohnnytheFox

13

Stay away from him. Do you really want to be the broad that comes between him and his group of friends?

Reply 14

ellx

OP

Yeah, I realise it's **** of me. But it's not like I just think he's goodlooking & want to sleep with him despite my bfs feelings...it's more I'd like to go out with him..and it's rare I click with someone so well. You can't help who you fall for & I don't make a habit of messing people around. Eh..I know it's selfish but lets face it if I do manage to keep in touch with him and if it is mutual somethings going to happen..so my question really was does anyone have any advice on how to I can subtly see if the feelings mutual rather than it blowing up in my face! If you disagree then just pretend my question was 'I'm single and fancy a bloke I've just met and is a complete stranger to all my ex's' etc :/

Did anyone actually read that bit? I didnt really ask peoples moral opinions on the situation... I need some general advice..it's probably going to happen anyway so it may as well happen well! ..and I'm going to wait a far bit until things have settled and he's hopefully with someone else. I really don't think its that unreasonable. If 6 months down the line I was with someone else and he went out with one of my mates it wouldnt be ideal but i wouldnt be massively pissed off either to be honest..I would if he just wanted to **** one of my mates but not if he had strong feelings etc

Reply 15

miki_da_magpie

2

ellx

Yeah, I realise it's **** of me. But it's not like I just think he's goodlooking & want to sleep with him despite my bfs feelings...it's more I'd like to go out with him..and it's rare I click with someone so well. You can't help who you fall for & I don't make a habit of messing people around. Eh..I know it's selfish but lets face it if I do manage to keep in touch with him and if it is mutual somethings going to happen..so my question really was does anyone have any advice on how to I can subtly see if the feelings mutual rather than it blowing up in my face! If you disagree then just pretend my question was 'I'm single and fancy a bloke I've just met and is a complete stranger to all my ex's' etc :/

Did anyone actually read that bit? I didnt really ask peoples moral opinions on the situation... I need some general advice..it's probably going to happen anyway so it may as well happen well! ..and I'm going to wait a far bit until things have settled and he's hopefully with someone else. I really don't think its that unreasonable. If 6 months down the line I was with someone else and he went out with one of my mates it wouldnt be ideal but i wouldnt be massively pissed off either to be honest..I would if he just wanted to **** one of my mates but not if he had strong feelings etc

How would you know? How would you know he wasnt doing it just to spite you?

Here's my advice: Dump your boyfriend. Sort your life out and your priorities, have fun being single for a bit, get over your previous relationship, and then maybe start looking for potential boyfriends again. There are plenty of fish in the sea, plenty of fish who are probably just as good looking and as good bf material as this one, but without the ex-fish hanging around with him.

Tbh, it sounds to me like youre over with your bf, and youre comparing this new guy and how "great" he is to create some distance from your boyfriend to make the break up easier. Theres nothing wrong with that, I just wouldnt rush into things like already imagining and fantasising about what this mate of his would be like as a boyfriend or in bed. Dump->move on->fun->get back in the game (if you like)

Crazy about my (soon to be) ex boyfriend's friend

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