[Anonymous]

heya, im posting on here for some advice because i have reached the end of my tether and feel so miserable with regards to my eating habits, i just want to be normal again.
for the last year i have been very aware of my weight and eating, although i have always been slim, I have lost about a stone. I have never been technically "anorexic" because my weight has never been below the healthy bmi range, but I feel like I have some kind of eating disorder. I feel so tired of being obsessed with what I eat (making meal plans for weeks in advance) restricting myself to 6 or 7 hundred calories a day and going to the gym every day, then snapping after about 2 week s and binging on chocolate for a day, overdosing on laxatives,and then starting over.
I will avoid going out to dinner/lunch as I dont trust eating any food I have not prepared myself, I am such a control freak with regards to my eating and exercise habits. For instance if I ate something in a day that I had not planned I will be SO stressed! My life just feels controlled by eating not enough, going to the gym every day, jogging most days, or twice if i feel ive eaten too much. I just want some advice on how to be normal and not obsessed with food, as I am 9 stone and 5 foot 7, but I hate my body so much and feel so fat and disgusting and it rules my life. I am so upset right now as I have just had a binge but have decided enough is enough, so if anyone could give me some advice that would be great?
p.s. i dont want to tell anybody about this, as everyone thinks i just eat healthy and go to the gym, they dont realise the extent i go to..
thank you

[Anonymous]

i wanted to add that I used to be the most chilled out, unorganised and laid back person. and since i have become so obsessed with what i eat/how much i exercise, I have become a control freak about everything in my life, like planning my days in time slots etc. But also planning so i will be home so I can make my own meals. Its so abnormal because for example if I met a friend in the afternoon and they suggested going out for a cheap dinner, then to a party or something I would panic due to not being able to eat what I had planned, and then be scared of breaking my "diet" with a meal out... Then i would have a rubbish night because what I eat seems to dictate my mood, so if i think ive "broken" the diet i would be so upset. Please give me some advice to be more relaxed with my eating habits and stop binging as i am terrified its going to make me fat.

[squiff93]

Hi, i'm sorry to hear what your going through.

I'm going through a similar thing at the moment - i've been diagnosed with anorexia of the binge purge variety but my behaviours are pretty much he same.

I probably can't offer advice as I can't seem to help myself. I've already binged and purged today and i really don't feel well - the reason for this is because i can't feel okay about any food at the moment. The advice i can offer is to eat more all the time, i know that is much easier said than done trust me - but it's true the more i restrict the more i binge it's a horrible cycle. If you eat more eventually it should become normal and your body won't be so starving that you need to binge anymore. Another thing i've found to work in the past is to stop weighing myself - i know you probably feel that if you stop weighing yourself you'll suddenly start gaining weight but trust me you probably won't but without the worry of your weight you'll find it much easier to go back to a normal diet - you'll never get better when your main goal is to lose weight.

As for binging making you fat - it won't. But it'll ruin your social life and make you miserable. Ok to try and make you feel better i'll tell you about what i've eaten while binging before - i've been diagnosed as 'anorexic' so i guess that my binges haven't made me overweight. An example binge - 3 pieces of salmon about half a cheesecake and a quarter of apple cake with copeous amounts of cream, pasta salad, cous cous, french stick,crisps, baked apple (theres probably more to be honest :/) and this was triggered by a big meal with family friends soooo at the time i'd already eaten loaddsss!!

Would you consider seeing a Dr for help - you sound like how i was and trust me you won't get better on your own. You need some help whether it's from a doctor or someone you really trust. When no-one knows about your eating habits they easily becone out of control and you get deeper and deeper. You don't want to get to the stage where breaking your diet means you harm yourself, OD or completely isolate yourself from the world. I've physically hurt my body - my heartbeat isn't regular, i've thrown up blood and fainted over the toilet. I'm sure your aware that this is a dangerous way to lose weight (which you really don't need to lose) and that no matter how thin you get it'll never be good enough you'll never be happy. So if you want to stop which you've said you do you need to

1. Tell someone - it's so hard to do this on your own
2. Don't weigh yourself more than once a week
3. Eat more and eat regularly

sorry reply was unstructured but i hope it helped

Best of luck

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your reply! it was very helpful. I have decided that I am going to have one more try at sorting myself out, by making sure I eat over 1000 calories a day, and allow myself to have small treats, without feeling the need to overexercise. I am trying to get myself into the "everything in moderation" mindset. Also i am back at uni in a couple of weeks and I think this will help me to eat/exercise like a normal person, because I dont want my 6 housemates suspecting things and thinking im strange if I am exercising like a mad women,or if they caught me mid binge that would be very humiliating. So, once I get back at uni I am going to stop making meal plans in advance, and just go with the flow, so I wont get stressed out if I have lunch out on campus or whatever, because that has far less chance of causing me to put on weight than when I end up binging. Also living with my friends will hopefully let me enjoy unhealthy food (in moderation) for instance if everyone is having a dominoes for dinner, then I would be silly not to join in. And I'm just telling myself it wont make me bigger because i can just go to the gym the next day. I think allowing myself unhealthy foods in moderation will hopefully put an end to the binging/taking laxatives/not eating for two days after, because I have realised that having more frequent treats is not going to cause a great difference to my weight. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled but it makes me feel better having it out of my head!

[Anonymous]

I am just hopin that taking a more relaxed approach to what i eat at uni will gradually mean that food will stop controlling my life. My only rule I will have is to eat whatever I like (within reason) but never binge, because its the worst feeling in the world afterwards and I am so so so sick of it. fingers crossed this is going to work, if not i realise that I am going to have to see my doctor as its been going on for too long now xxx

[squiff93]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I am just hopin that taking a more relaxed approach to what i eat at uni will gradually mean that food will stop controlling my life. My only rule I will have is to eat whatever I like (within reason) but never binge, because its the worst feeling in the world afterwards and I am so so so sick of it. fingers crossed this is going to work, if not i realise that I am going to have to see my doctor as its been going on for too long now xxx

Awh good, i really hope that things improve for you. I know your anon but if you ever wanted to talk you could pm me and i'd try help.

What your saying definately sounds sensible - try not to feel too disheartened if you can't stop instantly because it's a very hard cycle to break but i'm sure if you persist you will manage. If your prepared to change your goal to 'healthy' and not 'extremely skinny' you can do it. I promise. The reason i'm stuck in the mess i am in is because it's the mindset thats hard to change - it's hard not to feel fat and see fat. I have body dismorphia which i think prevents me from getting better. I've had hospital suggested to me a few times recently - my depression has got bad, i've been fainting falling and crying when i wee because it hurts so much so i'd highly recommend you stop. when your at university i'd suggest you talk to one flat mate you trust about it - maybe they could be there for you if you felt like your eating was about to get out of control or something ?? I'm ****ting myself about coping with my ED at university. Without being pushed to eat i'm not sure i ever will unless it's a binge and i'm going to purge it. xxx