Two nuns are in the bath. One turns to the other and says: "Where's the soap?" .. The other replies: "Yes it does"
A priest's in the shower at the convent and realises he's forgotten his soap and shampoo. Checks the corridor and finds silence so decides to do a run for it. Grabs the soap and shampoo and runs back. Halfway down the corridor, he hears three nuns coming. The priest stops in his tracks, standing silently, as still as a statue. The nuns approach him, confused. "Sister Mary, what's this?" Sister Patricia asks. "I don't know, let's see" comes the reply. Sr Mary grabs the priest's penis and jerks it. The priest, in shock, drops the soap. "Soap dispenser, my dear", comments Sr Mary. Sr Patricia has a go, and on jerking the penis the priest drops the shampoo. "Sweet Jesus, what a novel machine," comments the third nun, having a go. To her dismay, nothing happens. She tries again, continually tugging: "Ah would you look at that, tis a hand cream dispenser too!"
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Sister Bernadette approaches Mother Superior and admits she was raped last month. She mutters that she is now pregnant. Mother Superior sighs, and hands her a lemon, telling the nun to suck the juice from it. "Oh, will that cure me?" the nun asks. "No, child," comes the reply, "It will wipe the smile from your face!" (My devoutly Catholic gt granny told us that one!)
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After a crash:
"Dr, dr, will I ever play the violin again?"
"I'm quite sure that yes, you will be able to"
"Well that's funny, I couldn't before!"
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Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street.
The first one says "I've never come this way before."
The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
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A man is called up for Iraq. He doesn't want to go and so on the day of his departure, runs for it. He approaches a nun and asks if he might hide under her habit until the planes are long left and he's safe. The nun agrees.
Thirty minutes later and the army stop looking for him and leave. He hears the final boarding call of the plane and sighs with relief, and comes out from under the habit. "Thanks, Sister" he comments, "Might I say, that's a fine pair of legs". The Sister replies: "If you looked closer you'd see a mighty fine pair of balls too. I don't want to go to Iraq either.."
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"