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funniest jokes you have ever heard

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Reply 120
A pastor, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
Original post by ieatcheeseyo
Your favourite joke is "Hello Canterbury , lets make some ****** noise" ?

Why did the boy fall off his bike?






His mum threw a fridge at him
:colonhash:


I heard it as someone threw a fridge at him. I laughed so much I couldn't speak, I was crying and I got cramp in my face. It's not even that good. xD
Original post by NuckingFut
three tomatoes were walking together when one started to fall behind.
The other tomato squashed him and said "ketchup"

Catch up, ketchup. Get it? :biggrin:



:unimpressed:


The :unimpressed: (presumably at the neg you got) amused me more than the joke, hence the pos rep. :tongue:
Reply 123
What did the seagull say when it was ranover?

Car, Car.
Reply 124
A man walking down the street with his three kids bumps in to an old school friends, and introduces his kids:

Man: This is my daughter, Petal. We called her that because just moments after she was born, a petal, as if from nowhere, floated through the air and landed on her head.

Friend: Oh, Petal, what a lovely name. And who's this?

Man: This is my youngest daughter, Rose. We called her that because just moments after she was born, a single rose, as if from nowhere, floated through the air and landed on her head.

Friend: What a lovely name! And this must be your son in the wheelchair?

Man: Aye, that's our son Fridge.
This joke is rediculous but it has always made me laugh:

Two bananas are sunbathing by a river when a turd floats by lying on his back with his hands tucked behind his head.

"Come in guys the water is quite cool!" He shouts

One banana turns to the other and says "do you believe that s**t?"
A Mexican, a Jew, and a coloured guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the **** out of here."
Two nuns are in the bath. One turns to the other and says: "Where's the soap?" .. The other replies: "Yes it does"

A priest's in the shower at the convent and realises he's forgotten his soap and shampoo. Checks the corridor and finds silence so decides to do a run for it. Grabs the soap and shampoo and runs back. Halfway down the corridor, he hears three nuns coming. The priest stops in his tracks, standing silently, as still as a statue. The nuns approach him, confused. "Sister Mary, what's this?" Sister Patricia asks. "I don't know, let's see" comes the reply. Sr Mary grabs the priest's penis and jerks it. The priest, in shock, drops the soap. "Soap dispenser, my dear", comments Sr Mary. Sr Patricia has a go, and on jerking the penis the priest drops the shampoo. "Sweet Jesus, what a novel machine," comments the third nun, having a go. To her dismay, nothing happens. She tries again, continually tugging: "Ah would you look at that, tis a hand cream dispenser too!"

_____

Sister Bernadette approaches Mother Superior and admits she was raped last month. She mutters that she is now pregnant. Mother Superior sighs, and hands her a lemon, telling the nun to suck the juice from it. "Oh, will that cure me?" the nun asks. "No, child," comes the reply, "It will wipe the smile from your face!" (My devoutly Catholic gt granny told us that one!)

______

After a crash:

"Dr, dr, will I ever play the violin again?"
"I'm quite sure that yes, you will be able to"
"Well that's funny, I couldn't before!"

_______

Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street.
The first one says "I've never come this way before."
The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

______

A man is called up for Iraq. He doesn't want to go and so on the day of his departure, runs for it. He approaches a nun and asks if he might hide under her habit until the planes are long left and he's safe. The nun agrees.

Thirty minutes later and the army stop looking for him and leave. He hears the final boarding call of the plane and sighs with relief, and comes out from under the habit. "Thanks, Sister" he comments, "Might I say, that's a fine pair of legs". The Sister replies: "If you looked closer you'd see a mighty fine pair of balls too. I don't want to go to Iraq either.."

_____

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
(edited 12 years ago)
Reply 128
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Omg this thread has made my day :lolz: :lolz: :lolz:
Reply 130
Original post by kerily
Your grasp of grammar :mmm:


Tut..tut...tut. You're*
A lady goes over to talk to her friend, who is blonde. Her (the friends) ears are both bandaged up. The lady asks what happened. The blonde responds by saying that she was ironing when the phone rang. Thinking that the iron was the phone, she held it up to her ear and burned it. 'Ok, replies the lady, but what happened to your other ear?'

The blonde replies: 'The son-of-a-b**** rang back!'
Reply 132
Original post by TheDubs
Tut..tut...tut. You're*


:rofl:

(I should put something in the body of this message so I don't get done for 'spamming', but to be honest, that's all I can say :tongue:)
Original post by facetious
The :unimpressed: (presumably at the neg you got) amused me more than the joke, hence the pos rep. :tongue:


no the unimpressed face was to signify the lame joke, the negger probably agreed :biggrin:
Q. Ever hear the joke about the butter?

A.

Spoiler

Reply 135
Original post by SleepySheep
A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

Spoiler



LOL! :biggrin:
A man rings 999 and says, "come quickly! My little son has swallowed a condom!" and hangs up.
Five minutes later, he rings 999 again and says, "it's OK. I found another one."


What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip."


What's the best thing about twenty-eight year olds?
They are of legal breeding age.
Original post by Beckyweck
I heard it as someone threw a fridge at him. I laughed so much I couldn't speak, I was crying and I got cramp in my face. It's not even that good. xD


It's just so unexpected and awkwardly bad :L
Search "anti jokes"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra
A man walked into a bar, it hurt
Reply 138
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Not a joke but a phrase,

Fighting for peace is like F****** for virginity.
(edited 12 years ago)

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