Depression Society MKVI

Ah right, yeah. My sister didn't stay and do a masters for that exact reason.
Definitely see what he says, he might have thought of something you hadn't.

I have not but I have promised myself that I will go and actually look for her tomorrow. I saw her today but she was with a police officer and I didn't want to interrupt.

Wish my teachers would stop going on about how close and important our exams are. Most people have already started revising but I cant bring myself to do it whatsoever. I can barely construct a sentence without repeating a word and having to go back and correct it.

It isn't disrespectful at all, I know exactly what you mean.

I was getting steadily closer to screaming and throwing things the more people told me I'd feel better at some point. It doesn't matter that you'll feel better soon, because you're dying now.
I know I'll get ill again too, which is the thing that was really distressing me. I'm distracting myself either by playing xbox all day, sleeping as much as I can, or walking with an audiobook playing loudly in my ears.
It isn't great, but it's something, I guess.

I think I apologised to him a while after I said it (or at least, I hope I did). He was very understanding anyway. I definitely remember thanking him after our final session, so at least there's that.

Worried he will think I'm being pathetic to want to do a masters when I'm so lazy though. Suppose it's better to ask though.

Ok good luck for tomorrow.
Must be annoying, you can only do what you feel up to.

Can relate to that too.
Does it feel like you're just passing time until the inevitable happens? Not actually living a life? That's how I feel anyway.

Good stuff

Yeah pretty much.

It's difficult to explain to people who haven't felt it (like most GPs) but my mood is more or less ok at the moment, while at the same time it doesn't feel like there's a point to anything.
We're born, we do stuff, we die.
That's it. I'm being petulant at the moment and deciding that no, I don't want to get a 9-5 job until I'm 70, and maybe I don't want a mortgage, and maybe I don't need a degree etc. etc. (Hence all the distracting I'm trying to do).

My eating's got really restricted, but even as I'm doing that, part of me is thinking "why does it matter if you're skinny or not, you're still going to die whether you're fat or thin", and another (bigger) part of me is saying "what's the point in eating nice food if the moment it's gone, you might as well have not eaten it, because the moment's over."
How many Easter eggs have I eaten as a kid, but now, as an almost-20-year-old, I don't care if 6 year old me ate chocolate or not.

I can't really explain it properly. It's like - if I buy chocolate, I'd rather put off eating completely, because that way there is the promise of chocolate in the future, rather than it being something in the past.

And that's now extended into my entire attitude to food. :/

that seems illogical to me, because if you eat the chocolate, then that is an experience that you do have, and once it is in the past, you are able to have the experience of eating something else. just because it is no longer happening, is no reason to think that is as good as it never having happened at all. in fact i'd say that is totally wrong as a comparison.

moments pass- you can't have all of the moments all of the time. and even if you could, why would that be better? the difference, the clash between the presence of something and its absence is how you know it was ever there.

i've eaten a **** ton of lindor truffles this month. like i ate probably 6 or 7 today. of course i don't care that i had them now, but when i did have them they were ****ing good. what else does one need other than that?

The difference between the two of us is probably that I've felt fat since I was about 8, and used to be told off by my mum for eating or asking for too many 'treats', so when I eat them now I feel guilty, and fat after I eat them.

I can't remember a time in my life that I've eaten anything 'unhealthy' without feeling a huge amount of guilt afterwards. I can't eat 'unhealthy' food in public, at all, in case people are looking at me thinking "look at that fat cow". A month ago I was swinging between binging and restricting, but now that I'm just restricting, I feel better about myself.

Maybe I'm still mildly depressed at the moment, but because I'm so much better than I was when I was hospitalised people aren't noticing and just think that I'm 'well' again.

My memory isn't doing so good these days, so even good experiences that I've had are blurred or just feel insignificant.
Hypomania, for example, felt really good when I had that, but once it's gone all it leaves behind is the knowledge that somewhere in my past I've felt a ****load better than I do right now, and why can't I feel that good now, and have been depressed in the past instead.

ahhh yeah, i sort of read it like a theory rather than a thought process, sorry.

maybe, or maybe it's something to do with the eating thing. i understand the hypomania thing too. when i was depressed after the hypomania a few weeks ago that sort of perspective slotted easily into the wider idea that everything related to being happy was in the past, feeling that good would never come again and how i felt now was how i could expect to feel all the way into the future. i guess one's relationship with the past/present/future is easily distorted like that.

I don't see the point in anything any more

Anything you want to talk about?

Nothing really to say. I'm going to watch sad videos and cry myself to sleep.

Morning everybody. Hope everybody's ok-ish.

Got absolutely nothing to do today.

Same, my one activity today is watching the Lion King

I've never watched it

You so need to watch it then! In a massively sad way 'tis one of my favourite films, also you can pretend you're being intellectual as it's based on Hamlet

Everybody reacts shocked when I say I haven't seen it I've been meaning to watch it for years but for some reason or other I've never got round to buying it.

Loooove Hamlet, though

You feeling okay today?