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Got a few sample chapters from my story...

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    • Thread Starter

    Just need helpful insight and opinions, I take critique very seriously. If the story bores you, let me know. If you feel a character is pointless, let me know. I won't snap, I promise.


    Basically its set in a fantasy realm where men have rifles and swords and monsters lurk but the main thread is main itself... Or so it seems. Kingdoms are fighting for power and control and trying to control slavery. In the background twins are going missing, mysteriously.

    The same chapters will be a deserter soldier and a prince from the leading kingdom. There is also a prologue to give an insight into the backstory.

    PS: theres 8100 words in 2 chapters there. the writing.com makes it look smaller than it is.

    And my style is quite dark, so if you're faint of heart then avoid...
    • Thread Starter


    Your story is depressingly good :L

    Good on you.

    SOOOO Impressed!
    Just posted a few paragraphs on my story which seems rather pathetic and dreary in comparison :P

    Just read the prologue. I think you have an interesting story and idea but some of the writing is a little clunky. I think you must also be American which perhaps lends you a different style to what I would normally read. (Not a problem, just explaining my perspective).

    You talk about the father being dressed 'eloquently', do you mean elegantly? Eloquence is more often used to describe speech.

    Otherwise a couple of the images seemed slightly at odds with the fantasy setting.
    'His two sons looked clueless as if they were both asked to perform advanced calculus in front of their lord father.'
    'The reindeer’s horns went straight through his throat and into the tree as if it was a knife stabbing into tofu. '

    Basically I think you might do well to have a really close look at the writing style: Repetition of words, punctuation and choice of imagery; because as at the moment it distracts from the flow of the story. I really hope this doesn't discourage you from writing, as it is a great achievement to have done as much as you have and I hope you keep going with it.
    • Thread Starter

    No, I'm english.

    1) Yeah I meant elegantly, I should prob change that.. ha.
    2) Its a fantasy setting but its supposed to be set in a different type of fantasy setting, not like medieval times but like 1800s~ where calculus was cetainly around and prob tofu? Its not set in the same era where they are restricted to swords and bows.
    3) Well thanks a lot, i'll take on notice.

    (Original post by Michaelj)
    No, I'm english.
    Ok, apologies. Not sure how I got that impression.
    • Thread Starter

    Anyone else wanna give feedback? new link with updated stuff: http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...to-the-Kingdom


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