[The_Lonely_Goatherd]

Hi Jo,

It seems like all the threads so far are about sexual abuse/harrassment and/or rape. Thankfully nothing like that has happened to me but as someone who has been psychologically/emotionally abused by someone in a position of authority, I would like to ask you two questions. I believe the answers could benefit those who have been raped or sexually assaulted too.

1. I feel very guilty about what happened to me and as if I were complicit in the (long-term) abuse (at the hands of a loved one). I still love my abuser. What is the best way to deal with feelings of guilt, shame and complicity?

2. The abused can often keep falling into abusive relationships, creating an unfortunate cycle. What are the ways to break this cycle and what are the warning signs that someone significant in your life may be abusing you? Obviously friends and family might tell you but when you're in that situation, you might not be too good at listening to them.

Thanks for your answers,

TLG

[Jo from AVA]

Hi
Thanks for your message, you have raised two really important questions and i am sure you are right - a lot of people with different experiences could benefit from them.

I am really sorry that you have experienced abuse. It is important to realise that emotional/psychological abuse can be just as damaging long term as physical/sexual abuse so don't feel like your experiences are not as serious or valid.

I will try to answer your questions but everyone will have different ways of coping and dealing with these kind of feelings.

1. Unfortunately this is very common. A lot of people who have experienced all kinds of abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around, as can still loving that person. Again, that is also completely normal and many people are torn between loving the person and hating their behaviour. Just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this. I don't know what your relationship is to this person but whether they are an ex/partner, family member, whoever - it is usual to have confusing mixed feelings about what happened. It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship - no matter what kind. There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave. Fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. Some people may not realise that they are being abused and not even be looking for help. A big factor in not leaving can simply be love. Love is such a powerful emotion it can over rule anything else. If you are still in contact with this person, i would urge you to think about completing a safety plan like this:
http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keep...ationship.html

I think that in order to deal with the feelings you are having, it would be a good idea to have some counselling. How would you feel about that? It may really help to talk things through with someone in more detail. Please remember though, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

2. I think that we need to look at this the other way. Instead of thinking that victims always end up in a cycle of abusive relationships, lets think more about abusers being very good at finding vulnerable people and manipulating them. I don't think anyone would choose to go from one abusive relationship to the next, but perpetrators are good at finding and isolating people they think they can control.

It is great that you want to be aware of warning signs. A really good check list of abusive behaviour can be found here:
http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse

You are right that people around you may tell you that they are worried about you, but when you're in that situation it can be hard to see that. Friends need to understand that it could take someone a while to make sense of what is happening to them and to be able to talk about it. The key thing here is to be patient and non-judgemental no matter how frustrating. It is also important to keep letting them know you are worried and to tell someone else if you think things are escalating.

Some other good places to access help can be found here:
http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help

I hope some of this has been helpful,
take care
jo

[The_Lonely_Goatherd]

Hi Jo,

Thanks for your reply. I think your alternative framing of my second question is a better one I am no longer in contact with my abuser (a university tutor). I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and my psychiatrist is hoping to refer me outside of my team to a female counselling psychologist. I'm not sure if/when that will happen though.

Thanks for the links and for the quick response. Today is the 2 year anniversary of the abuse ending, which brings back a lot of emotions and memories (though a lot of them have got wiped out). So I guess I just needed some reassurance

[Jo from AVA]

Hi
You are welcome, i am glad it reassured you somewhat.

PTSD is very common when someone has experienced abuse - as is forgetting some of the traumatic memories.

I am sorry you had to go through this but congratulations on your two years of surviving. It sounds like you are doing all the right things in terms of seeking support.
Good luck on your journey,
take care
jo