[Anonymous]

I was sexually abused by a family member when I was younger and it took me many years to get over it, but over the years, it started to get better. I went through a really hard time in the past because I couldn't cope, but after realising that I had so much more to give in my life, I snapped out of it and recovered from my depressive states.

Since then, I fell in love after meeting my boyfriend. He's absolutely amazing and after a while, I told him all about my past. He struggled with it but we've been working through it and I know that it's hard and he hates thinking about it, so I try to not bring it up. However it gets brought up sometimes and like recently, it's been on our minds and he's struggling again. He feels like it will never fade or go away and I think he may leave me because it's too hard.

I don't want that and I understand that it's unfair of me to make him deal with this...but we were finding a way to do it before. I just feel so disgusting for my past but I know it wasn't my fault, so it hurts that I'm paying for it...

I don't want to lose him. I know this isn't about relationship abuse in the present, but do you have any advice for what I can do to help him to deal with it?

Thank you

[Jo from AVA]

Hi
Thanks for your message. I'm so sorry to hear that you have experienced sexual abuse. I can understand how this may have an impact on your relationship but there are some great organisations out there who can help.

First of all, please don't blame yourself. What happened to you was abuse and was a crime. You are right, it will hurt and feel like you are paying for it, but it also sounds to me like you have been really strong and very brave.

It can be very hard to be the partner of someone who has been abused, no matter how long ago the abuse was. People often worry about how best to respond to the survivor of abuse, and can sometimes feel guilty for not protecting you (even if it was long before you met them), they can be worried about doing anything to hurt you or remind you of the abuse or simply hate thinking of you being in pain.

I think it may be a good idea for your partner to talk to someone about how he is feeling and why he is struggling. Below are some links that i hope will be useful. I am not sure where in the country you live, so these are some national organisations. If you want to tell me (you can privately message me if you want) roughly where you are, i can recommend some more specific local services. You could either see someone together or separately.
It may help you as well to be able to talk things through.

Hopefully you can both find a way through this together.

http://www.familymattersuk.org/Default.aspx

http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help

http://www.mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=268&deptid=1

take care and do get back in touch if you need to talk things through some more,
jo