[Miss_Scarlett]

.....?

If so, how did you go about it?

[Anonymous]

I never have and I don't think I ever will.

[>Username<]

(Original post by Miss_Scarlett)
.....?

If so, how did you go about it?

Tbh, I don't think I could. Although it would depend on the circumstances, as every circumstance is different. If a close friend of family member has been abused, then they'd talk to me a lot and I'd know the affects therefore I wouldn't be able to forgive the parent. As I'd know it was there fault the other person was feeling like this. Even if the parents was trying to made amends, I don't think I'd be able to even if the other person would. Simply because what they went through can't be taken back.

I would talk to the parent if they still spoke to my friend/family member... But it wouldn't be in depth conversations. Just small talk. Unless I was convinced they had changed... Then I'd be willing to talk to them.

[twinlensreflex]

I haven't forgiven my abuser, although he wasn't my parent, and I doubt I will. He had no right to do that to me.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Miss_Scarlett)
.....?

If so, how did you go about it?

I think your feelings and attitude towards it change over the years. I haven't spoken to my Mother for over 3 months now (she kicked me out with nothing after years and years of abuse and a sudden -say 6 months- worsening of her behaviour towards me) and whereas before, when I had contact, I was more forgiving and made excuses for how she has treated me for so long, now I don't want to forgive her. I feel stronger as a person without her in my life and things are looking up, despite me essentially being homeless and broke. I know she's mentally ill, but she's always going to be the same and I dealt with enough as a child, now I can get away from it.
The person who sexually abused me is another matter. I don't think I can forgive them. I don't want to.

You don't need to forgive people that hurt you so badly. You're allowed to feel hurt, angry, mixed up, crazy... it's not your fault, you've been made to feel like that by someone who was in a position of power and trust. Counselling (specialist if needed) is always a good start to help you figure out your feelings, whether you decided you want to forgive them or not.

[Anonymous]

I understand the reasons for my mother doing things to me more now than i did when i was younger and still at home, but i don't think i'll ever forgive her for it. I know that she was a young mother with four children from two different dads and an unhappy marriage, and she wasn't strong enough to get through it so she took it out on me and my siblings. so... i understand it was hard for her, but in the end, she decided to get married, and she decided to have four children. she knew she wasn't financially or mentally in the right place but did it anyway so she brought the pressure upon herself.
i used to self-harm when i didn't understand. my mother used to feel better if she made us feel really insecure like she was. i grew up lacking in confidence and got into trouble at school for doing to others what she did to us at home. i'm lucky i had other people in my life who could give me the support i needed. now i'm happy and we still talk, although i don't think i'll ever trust her again. and i certainly don't want her looking after my children.
i guess the positive thing is that i won't be following in her footsteps - i'm already older than she was when she had two kids. and i'm not dating a mental drug user. this probably sounds like i'm from a poor broken home, but my family looks from the outside to be a classic middle class family - my parents are (unhappily) married, living in an affluent area of london, we all went to good schools...

[Anonymous]

I understand the reasons for my mother doing things to me more now than i did when i was younger and still at home, but i don't think i'll ever forgive her for it. I know that she was a young mother with four children from two different dads and an unhappy marriage, and she wasn't strong enough to get through it so she took it out on me and my siblings. so... i understand it was hard for her, but in the end, she decided to get married, and she decided to have four children. she knew she wasn't financially or mentally in the right place but did it anyway so she brought the pressure upon herself.
i used to self-harm when i didn't understand. my mother used to feel better if she made us feel really insecure like she was. i grew up lacking in confidence and got into trouble at school for doing to others what she did to us at home. i'm lucky i had other people in my life who could give me the support i needed. now i'm happy and we still talk, although i don't think i'll ever trust her again. and i certainly don't want her looking after my children.

[Lamperouge]

I suppose it depends on what kind of person you are and the experiences you've had. To a certain extent it also depends on what the abuser actually did, and if they've tried to make amends for you.

For example, I forgave my Mum for the abuse she inflicted on me all those years ago, because I knew that, in a strange way, she wasn't aware of her actions. Part of the healing progress for me when it came to forgiving my Mum was realizing that she was just as much a victim as I was, and she couldn't defend me even if she tried. So, my thoughts were: why punish someone for something they could not control? She might have been an adult and I might have been a child, but when I think about the things that we both went through together, there's no way she could have been in a position to do the right thing without tripping over her own feet. I'm glad I did this, because today I have a mother who's a recovering alcoholic, hasn't drank for ten years and she's shown that she's willing to change. She also made the effort to re-establish a relationship with me and my sisters, which I really appreciate. Also, she'll be present to see me graduate in a three months time, and I feel an awful lot happier for forgiving her because she's a wonderful mother. I'm incredibly proud of her.

My father, on the other hand, is a completely different kettle of fish. I've forgiven him for what he did to my sisters and I, but I still have panic attacks whenever I see him on the streets. He's an evil man, through and through, and I don't think he can be saved from himself. I haven't spoken to him in seven years, and I don't think I ever will. Plus, given some of the stories I've heard about him (e.g. went out with a married woman whose husband, after finding out, killed himself), I think I'm much better off without him.

At the end of the day, like someone's already said in this thread, you don't have to forgive someone who's hurt you. It's just that, in my personal view, forgiving the abuser actually puts the power back into your hands.

EDIT: And as for *how* you forgive your abuser... learn to understand their weaknesses, and to express yourself appropriately. In my experience, being angry about something that happened in the past will always come back to haunt you, and it'll be ten times worse than the first time you went through it. Talk about it, allow yourself to heal, and just go out there and live your life to the full. That, in my eyes, is the best way to forgive an abuser.

[Anonymous]

my mother shipped me off to another country when i was a kid to save her marriage

about 8 years later she chucked her marriage in order to keep a horse

[AntisthenesDogger]

Yes I have forgiven them. In terms of accepting it happened and moving on. I don't see much point in holding vitriol.

[Miss_Scarlett]

(Original post by AntisthenesDogger)
Yes I have forgiven them. In terms of accepting it happened and moving on. I don't see much point in holding vitriol.

I dont think that is quite the right way of putting it.

[Mrx123]

I would imagine it to be incredibly hard to forgive something like that

[ViceVersa]

I don't think I ever could, but mostly the fact that they can't see any fault into what they've done/been doing and are not repentant doesn't help. I'd imagine if your parent/s was both repentant and aware of their fault, then forgiveness can happen no matter how hard or how long. Don't feel like you're a bad person if you can't forgive though. Good luck

[BefuddledPenguin]

Nah, I simply cannot even speak to him, not sure I'd even recognise him at this stage tbh.

[Mrx123]

(Original post by BefuddledPenguin)
Nah, I simply cannot even speak to him, not sure I'd even recognise him at this stage tbh.

I'm not suprised, something this delicate cant be forgiven sometimes

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Lamperouge)
At the end of the day, like someone's already said in this thread, you don't have to forgive someone who's hurt you. It's just that, in my personal view, forgiving the abuser actually puts the power back into your hands.

This

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Mrx123)
I would imagine it to be incredibly hard to forgive something like that

It is.

[whyumadtho]

(Original post by Anonymous)
my mother shipped me off to another country when i was a kid to save her marriage

about 8 years later she chucked her marriage in order to keep a horse

A horse?

[Anonymous]

(Original post by ViceVersa)
I don't think I ever could, but mostly the fact that they can't see any fault into what they've done/been doing and are not repentant doesn't help. I'd imagine if your parent/s was both repentant and aware of their fault, then forgiveness can happen no matter how hard or how long. Don't feel like you're a bad person if you can't forgive though. Good luck

To answer this question, I couldn't. It also doesn't help that the abusers (who were my parents) don't see any fault in what they did and are not repentant and try to still blame me, despite things being so bad that I made an attempt on my life. So no, I couldn't forgive, and I won't ever forgive.

In fact, I'm finding that no matter what, I can't forgive. The problem is though, some people often make me feel bad about that, so sometimes I am made to feel bad because I don't forgive. I remember a lady I was confiding in at school, and she said that I just "had" to forgive and just move on, like it was something I was obliged to do, and something which I had to do, as though everything could be so simple and fine and dandy.

I don't want to force forgiveness. But I don't believe I can ever forgive. And like one previous poster said, sometimes forgiveness can mean that you give power or justification to the abuser for them to do it again or get away with it.

http://www.wnd.com/2003/10/21257/

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Miss_Scarlett)
.....?

If so, how did you go about it?

OP are you having this problem?