[Anonymous]

I'm in my first year at uni living in halls. I went through college with no friends but i have made plenty of friends here. Problem is i can't tell if they actually like me or not. I'm getting increasingly worried that when we move out of halls that is it and i will be on my own again come October

I joined the group late because i moved hall so i've always felt out of place. I'm always included for 'whole group' events (for example some of us are going to a festival this summer) or nights out.They will sometimes knock on my door but sometimes they will do stuff without telling me. For example i know they were doing something tonight but i didn't want to show up because i wasn't invited.

I've always been quiet/a bit shy and sometimes when they're talking in a group i will be silent for ages because i don't know what to say. They never speak to me on Facebook or my phone and sometimes they ignore me in person. I was walking back from an exam with a couple of them yesterday and they were talking about the exam and completely ignored me for 10 minutes before asking how it went, then ignoring me again. A few of them do the same degree as me but they never knocked for me when they were going to lectures.

I am not living with them next year (they had signed contracts before i met them) and i'm so scared that once we lose the main thing we have in common - halls, thats it. Its happened with everything else in my life, like when i moved halls or when lectures finished. The friends i had made there just stopped talking to me. I've met some lovely people from my job as well but i know when i have to give that up i will nver see them again.

I haven't seen or spoken to any of them in 3 days now, i have barely left my room apart for exams and my job. I don't initiate anything because i'm so scared of being rejected (same reason i've never kissed anyone before). I can't tell if they like me because they invite me to do stuff one minute and completely ignore me the next?? They've assured me nothing is wrong with me but i'm so paranoid they think i'm weird and don't really want me around.

What can i do here? Sorry its so long

[kooboo71]

I think the reason you feel that they sometimes may ignore you is because you said yourself that you don't talk much and are silent a lot of the time in group situations. You can't expect others to always ask about you or pay attention to you if you're not giving anything yourself. Maybe try and speak up more and join in proactively rather than expecting people to approach you all the time.

[Soph(:]

Just try and become chattier I know this might be hard for you but they will include you more! I think from what I've read that they do like you but they wouldn't consider you like a best friend maybe just a friend! I would say you should organise some nights out and ask them to do things and I'm sure you will all become closer as a result

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Soph(:)
Just try and become chattier I know this might be hard for you but they will include you more! I think from what I've read that they do like you but they wouldn't consider you like a best friend maybe just a friend! I would say you should organise some nights out and ask them to do things and I'm sure you will all become closer as a result

I do try but often i don't know what to say or the more confident people won't let me get a word in. Sometimes when people put me on the spot i'll get really nervous and say the first thing that comes into my head, which doesn't always make sense. I'm not like this with people i don't see regularly, with them i am perfectly sociable but with my actual friends it doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference if i am there or not.

I've never really had a best friend before so i can understand that they prefer other people but if they like me why do they never talk to me? Even online i've never spoken to most of them. I know they're always in eachothers rooms and stuff but i don't want to show up un invited

(Original post by kooboo71)
I think the reason you feel that they sometimes may ignore you is because you said yourself that you don't talk much and are silent a lot of the time in group situations. You can't expect others to always ask about you or pay attention to you if you're not giving anything yourself. Maybe try and speak up more and join in proactively rather than expecting people to approach you all the time.

They all live in other flats and unless they come and knock for me i'm just completely out of the loop. Haven't seen any of them in 4 days now.

I don't feel able to go and knock for them or even start a conversation through texting or facebook. I know that this is coming across as not putting in any effort but its not that, i'm really not used how to interact with people after being alone for so many years. Reckon they have given up on me? I mean when i am standing next to them they have conversations amongst themselves but act as if im not there.

[julifak]

Hey, I would say when there's a conversation going on, you chirp in every now and then so they notice. If they are in each others room, why not go join them? In my flat, you don't really get invited into each others room unless its pre-drinks or whatever but you know you can turn up at the door whenever and be let in. Just try your best to keep in touch over the summer and during the next academic year by inviting them out

[Soph(:]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I do try but often i don't know what to say or the more confident people won't let me get a word in. Sometimes when people put me on the spot i'll get really nervous and say the first thing that comes into my head, which doesn't always make sense. I'm not like this with people i don't see regularly, with them i am perfectly sociable but with my actual friends it doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference if i am there or not.

I've never really had a best friend before so i can understand that they prefer other people but if they like me why do they never talk to me? Even online i've never spoken to most of them. I know they're always in eachothers rooms and stuff but i don't want to show up un invited



They all live in other flats and unless they come and knock for me i'm just completely out of the loop. Haven't seen any of them in 4 days now.

I don't feel able to go and knock for them or even start a conversation through texting or facebook. I know that this is coming across as not putting in any effort but its not that, i'm really not used how to interact with people after being alone for so many years. Reckon they have given up on me? I mean when i am standing next to them they have conversations amongst themselves but act as if im not there.

Seriously just go there uninvited with alcohol and I'm sure they'll accept you

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Soph(:)
Seriously just go there uninvited with alcohol and I'm sure they'll accept you

Thing is, they always do. Alcohol or not. Its just that something is still stopping me

This week in the sunshine has been infinitely better though im still relying on them a bit. For some bizarre reason i feel more confident around people i don't see regularly?

[RowingGoose]

You sound just like I was in my first year! It doesn't sound like they don't invite you to be mean or on purpose, as you said, they invite you on group events and may have bonded a bit better with each other before you moved in. If you've not formally invited, maybe just ask one of them if you can join in, or just enjoy a night in to yourself watching your favourite film - i.e. try not to dwell on it :-)

From being in the position of being the shy one in a group, and also being the slightly louder one in a group, I know it's hard to get a word in edgeways and sometimes how tricky it is to try and include the quieter ones. Have you ever thought about it from their perspective? I'm sure you can appreciate that sometimes it is harder to talk to a quieter person because our conversation doesn't flow as well so they may be trying to think of things to say to you, such as asking about your exam. I find that when I'm in a loud group, I try to keep the things I say to frequent short things - maybe a humourous comment or things like "I do that too!/Omg/That's awesome/Never heard of that before" etc. Try and speak louder and in a more confident tone too - when people keep asking you to repeat what you just said, that means you're talking to quiet or you're mumbling

And also try to ignore the self-comments about your performance in a group! What I've realised that with people I'm not really close to I tend to analyse how I did after it. I think "I shouldn't have said that, I wish I'd said that, it felt so awkward". I don't do it as much though and I just almost forget about it and move on.

What I've realised spending 3 years at uni, is that you really have to push yourself to be more proactive. When you're speaking to people try and ask them open questions so you can start a good conversation and (no offence) try to be a bit more thick-skinned? Facebook is a good way of communicating - I know you said you don't feel able to use it - but it's pretty easy, and maybe you could leave your door open during the times you're in so if they walk past they can just say hi or you can just ask how their day has been. Don't view every communication as a big thing, even just a "Y'alright?/You had a good day?" is good.