[Anonymous]

I am going to make this short and sweet:

-Moving out for uni, it is about a 3 hour drive.
-Parents were reluctant to let me move out in the first place, but agreed in the end.
-At present, my parents are quite protective/controlling etc, e.g. I'm hardly allowed out, 5pm and 6pm at the most is my curfew (that's when I am allowed to go out) and while I am out, I get calls from my mum to check up on me, and she has to know exactly who else is coming etc.
-I thought I would have a bit more freedom at uni, but my mum said that she will drive to see me every week (once a week) and she will come at night.
-I said that I could come home every weekend instead, but she said that I would be too busy with work, so she will come or my dad (one of them), and I think she mentioned staying the night too.


My parents are religious etc, what can I do?

[Anonymous]

It is not as if I am going to be a raging party animal, but if my parents come to see me every week at uni (in my student accommodation) on a Friday/Saturday night and stay the night too, then when could I possibly engage in 'normal' student activities?

Its so frustrating.

I'm going to be studying dentistry btw.

[julifak]

Chances are they're just saying that and won't actually do it. Or they do it for a week or two and give up. Ohhhh and you can go out during the week


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

[Anonymous]

(Original post by julifak)
Chances are they're just saying that and won't actually do it. Or they do it for a week or two and give up. Ohhhh and you can go out during the week


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Oh, most parents won't, but mine definitely will.

[anonymous14]

(Original post by julifak)
Chances are they're just saying that and won't actually do it. Or they do it for a week or two and give up. Ohhhh and you can go out during the week


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

I'm the OP (can't wait for each post to be moderated), trust me, most parents won't, but mine will. And please ignore the stupid username, I'm 18 now.

[Joeman560]

Say no? It's not as hard as it sounds.

[anonymous14]

(Original post by Joeman560)
Say no? It's not as hard as it sounds.

It isn't that easy, I understand not all asian parents are like this, but unfortunately mine are very set in their traditional ways.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, if yes, what did you do?

[alawhisp]

(Original post by anonymous14)
It isn't that easy, I understand not all asian parents are like this, but unfortunately mine are very set in their traditional ways.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, if yes, what did you do?

I recognise I don't have experience of such an extreme form of parental/cultural supervision but I do still find it difficult to understand why it is accepted as the norm, and even as healthy behaviour, simply because they are "Asian". It is not normal for parents to refuse their children any independence after the age of 18, nor is it normal to expect to infringe so heavily on their life at uni. It's up to you what you want to challenge, and where you want to draw the boundary, but you must be prepared to act like an adult if you want to be treated like one - e.g. financially independent, emotionally independent, etc.

[JongKey]

(Original post by anonymous14)
It isn't that easy, I understand not all asian parents are like this, but unfortunately mine are very set in their traditional ways.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, if yes, what did you do?

Trust me, your parents have let you move away for uni so no they're not set in their traditional ways. Your mum may only come for 2 weeks and she WILL get tired of it, doing a 3 hour drive every week for nothing gets really tiring - she'll stop it soon enough. I know what asian parents are like but never have i heard of the asian parents making a 3 hour drive every week to see their child at uni - your parents are really umm... 'dedicated' lol. Just speak calmly to your mum and say that it'll just be embarrassing for her to come every week and that she needs to trust you a bit more, just play the trust card and ask her 'don't you trust me'. Or just offer to talk over skype instead.

[Alpharius]

Very keen parents.

They will not keep it up. An hour's journey, maybe. 3 hours? No chance.

[anonymous14]

(Original post by JongKey)
Trust me, your parents have let you move away for uni so no they're not set in their traditional ways. Your mum may only come for 2 weeks and she WILL get tired of it, doing a 3 hour drive every week for nothing gets really tiring - she'll stop it soon enough. I know what asian parents are like but never have i heard of the asian parents making a 3 hour drive every week to see their child at uni - your parents are really umm... 'dedicated' lol. Just speak calmly to your mum and say that it'll just be embarrassing for her to come every week and that she needs to trust you a bit more, just play the trust card and ask her 'don't you trust me'. Or just offer to talk over skype instead.

Hey, thanks for the input.

The thing is, my mum is more likely to call me about 3 times a day or so...I know...

My dad on the other hand is really dedicated.

Do you think I should just tell them that it doesn't work this way etc, and int he worst case scenario I come home most weekends? Because this way, I can go clubbing etc, without the fear that my parents will check up on my room at uni etc.

[JongKey]

(Original post by anonymous14)
Hey, thanks for the input.

The thing is, my mum is more likely to call me about 3 times a day or so...I know...

My dad on the other hand is really dedicated.

Do you think I should just tell them that it doesn't work this way etc, and int he worst case scenario I come home most weekends? Because this way, I can go clubbing etc, without the fear that my parents will check up on my room at uni etc.

I really think you should yeah, tell them it's just not the way things are done. If they're very for themselves, they may not listen at first but they will come around once they get used to you not being with them.

[anonymous14]

(Original post by alawhisp)
I recognise I don't have experience of such an extreme form of parental/cultural supervision but I do still find it difficult to understand why it is accepted as the norm, and even as healthy behaviour, simply because they are "Asian". It is not normal for parents to refuse their children any independence after the age of 18, nor is it normal to expect to infringe so heavily on their life at uni. It's up to you what you want to challenge, and where you want to draw the boundary, but you must be prepared to act like an adult if you want to be treated like one - e.g. financially independent, emotionally independent, etc.

Thanks

[hn456]

I'm an asian girl and i know exactly how your feeling!
im going to uni in september, about an hour away from home and my parents wont allow me to live out at all because they don't want me to get influenced by others and 'shame' them =/
my dad even wants to drop me to the bus station every morning from where im catching the bus, wth!!

the best thing to do is probably talk to them about it, tell them its gonna be embarassing and no other parent of students living in uni halls would do that. if they really want to see you tell them to meet you elsewhere
hope that helps a bit

[anonymous14]

(Original post by hn456)
I'm an asian girl and i know exactly how your feeling!
im going to uni in september, about an hour away from home and my parents wont allow me to live out at all because they don't want me to get influenced by others and 'shame' them =/
my dad even wants to drop me to the bus station every morning from where im catching the bus, wth!!

the best thing to do is probably talk to them about it, tell them its gonna be embarassing and no other parent of students living in uni halls would do that. if they really want to see you tell them to meet you elsewhere
hope that helps a bit

Oh God, yes... :P

Hey

It is nice to see someone in a similar situation!

Yes, the thing is coming home every weekend (worst case scenario) would be really annoying, but at least it would be better than my parents checking up on me in halls.

[Michaelj]

Can't you set your own boundaries and explain your an adult now and don't have to live by their rules? If they don't stop it could have a huge impact on education and future employment..

[hn456]

(Original post by anonymous14)
Oh God, yes... :P

Hey

It is nice to see someone in a similar situation!

Yes, the thing is coming home every weekend [B](worst case scenario)[/B] would be really annoying, but at least it would be better than my parents checking up on me in halls.

Haha hey
trust me you coming home would not be the worst case scenario at all!!! if anything its the best option..
think about it, if you come home for the weekend at least it'll keep your parents happy and away from coming to meet you instead. And if you wanna go out clubbing or whatever, then jus go throughout the week , you'll meet loads of new people at uni who do that

[hn456]

(Original post by Michaelj)
Can't you set your own boundaries and explain your an adult now and don't have to live by their rules? If they don't stop it could have a huge impact on education and future employment..

That's easier said than done! Many people may think that Asian kids complain or over exaggerate about how their home life is or how controlled their life is in general. All I can say is that believe me, they are not doing this for the attention!
Quite alot of asian families are like this, and going against them means more than jus standing up for your own rights! Instead, they will become more strict on you, and not allow you to do the things you already dont do.
i jus hope everything goes okay for the thread starter! good luck

[foolscap]

I agree with the idea that they will get bored turning up every weekend, or you could deliberately take a stand and tell them not to visit you or don't tell them what room you are in, I'd tell my parents to gtfo if they came up to visit me, it'd be hella embarrassing!

[anonymous14]

(Original post by foolscap)
I agree with the idea that they will get bored turning up every weekend, or you could deliberately take a stand and tell them not to visit you or don't tell them what room you are in, I'd tell my parents to gtfo if they came up to visit me, it'd be hella embarrassing!

Its not just this, that I'm annoyed about. But, more the fact that my parents will be invading in my privacy, and student halls, my mum wants to visit me at night e.g. 11pm onwards, I mean some students may be drunk at that time/ be 'busy' in their rooms etc, and my parents will just be annoying and ask me incessant questions OR... Ask other students on my hall about who I hang around with etc, if I have a boyfriend etc...