[Anonymous]

I have been with a girl for 1 year now, we live in York.

She used to suffer from depression.

She always puts herself down, and I tell her she isn't ugly and that she is beautiful to me, yet she says she is. If I compliment her she disagrees, and if she puts herself down, i try to motivate her but she doesn't have any of it.

I do love her though, like lots & lots, but I don't know what to do. It's like she wants the attention but does't so i am very estranged to the whole scenario.

Thanks, Ry

[Pitt1988]

That is possibly one of the most annoying, turn-off traits a woman can have. Fair play for sticking with her and everything but I was with a girl who was like this for a while and I just got fed up and ditched her. I don't think anything you say can change what she does, maybe just try a little less see what happens.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Pitt1988)
That is possibly one of the most annoying, turn-off traits a woman can have. Fair play for sticking with her and everything but I was with a girl who was like this for a while and I just got fed up and ditched her. I don't think anything you say can change what she does, maybe just try a little less see what happens.

Thank you for the advice. It is hard, I don't understand her problem, it feels like i'm failing her as a boyfriend when now it's clear to me that, as bad as it sounds, I am too good for her.

[Anonymous]

any other ideas?

[xXHolly_90Xx]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for the advice. It is hard, I don't understand her problem, it feels like i'm failing her as a boyfriend when now it's clear to me that, as bad as it sounds, I am too good for her.

Im sure if she saw this it would make her feel better.. No wonder shes depressed and doesnt feel confident about herself when her boyfriend thinks hes a lot better than her..

[Anonymous]

(Original post by xXHolly_90Xx)
Im sure if she saw this it would make her feel better.. No wonder shes depressed and doesnt feel confident about herself when her boyfriend thinks hes a lot better than her..

You don't know how nice I am to her, everyone seems to be able to see it apart from me. Nothing I ever do will be good enough, she always puts herself down and nothing I can do or say makes her think other.

[The_Jammy_Witch]

(Original post by xXHolly_90Xx)
Im sure if she saw this it would make her feel better.. No wonder shes depressed and doesnt feel confident about herself when her boyfriend thinks hes a lot better than her..

I think you're mixing up cause and effect. It's BECASE she insists on declining every compliment that he feels too good for her now. He accepts that it sounds bad, he never said 'a lot' and I think the words were 'too good FOR' her, not better THAN her i.e. he knows he can go out with someone better for him, NOT he's a better human being.

OP, I used to be like the girlfriend so let me try and help you understand: you cannot save her. Even if she was with Brad-flippin'-Pitt she would insist on feeling low about herself, and when I say insist, well... I don't want to say it's not a choice she's making, because it fundamentally is, but... it's really hard for her to wake up one day and decide that, actually, she's okay exactly as she is. It is difficult to switch our whole perceptions around because someone else wants us to.

See, she's got to want to change for herself, and she's gotta do it BY herself. Wherever her sense of emptiness and sadness and self-hatred is coming from, SHE has to be the one to identify it, investigate it and ultimately lay it to rest.

What I'm saying is, there's nothing you can do. Even if you were the best boyfriend in the world, she would still wear you down and not take in any of it because of who SHE is right now. Yes it's true that our relationships affect and shape us, but she's not even receptive to that change for as long as she's beating herself up about something.

The best thing you can do is tell her that although you want to support her, you're not sure how to because you know it's something she needs to figure out for herself. Encourage her to sort herself out, whatever that requires. It could be that you'll be waiting for a train don't come, in which case you'll have to put yourself first and leave.

At the end of the day, you deserve to be happy too. Don't forget that. Don't get lost trying to save someone else from their demons.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by The_Jammy_Witch)
I think you're mixing up cause and effect. It's BECASE she insists on declining every compliment that he feels too good for her now. He accepts that it sounds bad, he never said 'a lot' and I think the words were 'too good FOR' her, not better THAN her i.e. he knows he can go out with someone better for him, NOT he's a better human being.

OP, I used to be like the girlfriend so let me try and help you understand: you cannot save her. Even if she was with Brad-flippin'-Pitt she would insist on feeling low about herself, and when I say insist, well... I don't want to say it's not a choice she's making, because it fundamentally is, but... it's really hard for her to wake up one day and decide that, actually, she's okay exactly as she is. It is difficult to switch our whole perceptions around because someone else wants us to.

See, she's got to want to change for herself, and she's gotta do it BY herself. Wherever her sense of emptiness and sadness and self-hatred is coming from, SHE has to be the one to identify it, investigate it and ultimately lay it to rest.

What I'm saying is, there's nothing you can do. Even if you were the best boyfriend in the world, she would still wear you down and not take in any of it because of who SHE is right now. Yes it's true that our relationships affect and shape us, but she's not even receptive to that change for as long as she's beating herself up about something.

The best thing you can do is tell her that although you want to support her, you're not sure how to because you know it's something she needs to figure out for herself. Encourage her to sort herself out, whatever that requires. It could be that you'll be waiting for a train don't come, in which case you'll have to put yourself first and leave.

At the end of the day, you deserve to be happy too. Don't forget that. Don't get lost trying to save someone else from their demons.

You're an abolsute angel, thank you so much. It has given me a much better understanding And thank you for understanding