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Feel like I'm decaying, old, sickly...

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    I'm 27 years old. I've had problems that some might call "mental health problems" for a long time now. I've also had a lot of physical illnesses and injuries, most of which were relatively minor - to my knowledge.

    At the moment, I feel like I'm decaying, sickly, old and withered. I have headaches a lot of the time, usually centred around my eye. I have pains in my legs. I spend most of my time on my computer... almost all day, every day, playing games.

    There's lots of things I think (physically) could be wrong with me, but because I have a history of health anxiety, doctors tend not to take my symptoms seriously. This just makes me worry more about my health.

    The problem is, I don't know what I can do. I try to exercise but then some problem prevents me from doing so (press-ups seem to result in indigestion, possibly a hernia coming on and chest pains). I feel skinny and underweight no matter how much I eat.

    Mentally, I'm not doing well either. Most of the time I feel like things aren't real, like I'm not completely there. This used to occur in patches, now things never seem real unless I'm suffering in some way. I have bouts of deep depression and anger in which all I can think of is killing myself or others. Almost all my friends have stopped talking to me. I barely speak to my family except when we argue. I struggle to look anyone in the eye unless I'm angry.

    I know that the world really doesn't care, and that's fine. I don't feel real anyway, except for the symptoms. I have no income, savings or plans. I was going to go abroad, but in this state I don't feel like I can do anything, ever. Even sleeping is difficult, long nights of trying not to think about how my life is wasting away and that "this is it", coupled with constant indigestion no matter how much or little I eat.

    I've seen lots of therapists and counsellors, and sometimes it helsp temporarily. But only temporarily. I don't know what to do anymore, if I ever did. Even writing this doesn't seem real, and sometimes I wonder if I'm actually dead already, living in some sort of terrible afterlife.
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm 27 years old. I've had problems that some might call "mental health problems" for a long time now. I've also had a lot of physical illnesses and injuries, most of which were relatively minor - to my knowledge.

    At the moment, I feel like I'm decaying, sickly, old and withered. I have headaches a lot of the time, usually centred around my eye. I have pains in my legs. I spend most of my time on my computer... almost all day, every day, playing games.

    There's lots of things I think (physically) could be wrong with me, but because I have a history of health anxiety, doctors tend not to take my symptoms seriously. This just makes me worry more about my health.

    The problem is, I don't know what I can do. I try to exercise but then some problem prevents me from doing so (press-ups seem to result in indigestion, possibly a hernia coming on and chest pains). I feel skinny and underweight no matter how much I eat.

    Mentally, I'm not doing well either. Most of the time I feel like things aren't real, like I'm not completely there. This used to occur in patches, now things never seem real unless I'm suffering in some way. I have bouts of deep depression and anger in which all I can think of is killing myself or others. Almost all my friends have stopped talking to me. I barely speak to my family except when we argue. I struggle to look anyone in the eye unless I'm angry.

    I know that the world really doesn't care, and that's fine. I don't feel real anyway, except for the symptoms. I have no income, savings or plans. I was going to go abroad, but in this state I don't feel like I can do anything, ever. Even sleeping is difficult, long nights of trying not to think about how my life is wasting away and that "this is it", coupled with constant indigestion no matter how much or little I eat.

    I've seen lots of therapists and counsellors, and sometimes it helsp temporarily. But only temporarily. I don't know what to do anymore, if I ever did. Even writing this doesn't seem real, and sometimes I wonder if I'm actually dead already, living in some sort of terrible afterlife.

    I'm afraid I don't have much advice, but I know exactly what you mean, particularly about the not feeling real bits. I feel like I am constantly tired/dreaming/things are just not in focus.

    I also feel very ill physically and mentally. Physically, I am hoping to improve, but I feel desperately sad that mental health problems are with me forever.
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    I spend most of my time on my computer... almost all day, every day, playing games.

    I think this is the root of your problems. I'm not you, and I don't know you, obviously, so I can't exactly give you a diagnosis, but the sentence I just quoted really stood out. It's inertia, and it will give you the feeling of decaying physically and mentally.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by x_Natalie_x)
    I spend most of my time on my computer... almost all day, every day, playing games.

    I think this is the root of your problems. I'm not you, and I don't know you, obviously, so I can't exactly give you a diagnosis, but the sentence I just quoted really stood out. It's inertia, and it will give you the feeling of decaying physically and mentally.
    The doctor said this, but I disagree. For starters, I've done this on and off for a long time now (over 10 years). Secondly, when I'm more active I don't feel more "real" or better.

    And there's the problem that every time I try to exercise I just end up feeling worse or injuring myself.
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    Tackle things one step at a time.

    Eat more, and try to make sure you know what constitutes a healthy diet. Also make sure you have something to drink with each meal. This is something I'm currently working at: I know that I need to eat more, but I've yet to attain the motivation to do so, since food generally holds little attraction for me. In weeks when I eat more, I tend to find myself more energetic and even more cheerful (the latter may be a placebo effect, but hey, it works).

    Exercise: go for walks at first. Explore your local area a little. Time yourself, 20 minutes, 40 minutes. An hour's daily walk, especially if you're carrying additional weight, can have an amazing effect upon stamina over the course of as little as a month or so. I speak from experience on this, having walked from (and most days, to) school with books and stuff in a rucksack, which took me about 30 to 50 minutes daily each way. Once you're comfortable with that, maybe go on to more strenuous exercise, be that running or something else.

    You enjoy gaming; understandable, I do too. It's easy to let it eat away your time, though. If you don't already, set aside certain times for eating. Perhaps make sure mealtimes, if not snacks as well, are properly separated from other activities. Apart from anything else, this may help to reduce the amount that you skimp on meals simply because there are 'more interesting' things to be doing (I've done this before ). Eating is an essential part of life, don't skimp on it!

    You can apply this idea to other activities, too. Exercising a little willpower in order to get a routine together can do wonders for your lifestyle. A routine at first may evolve into something less rigorous later on as you grow used to accommodating for times for various activities.

    Comfort is an important point to note. I tend to get more than a little agitated around people in general, don't cope well with heat, etc. When I'm comfortable, it's much easier to motivate myself to do stuff that I might not really want to do, but logically accept as necessary.

    I've run out of words now, sorry if this has seemed like a bit of an incoherent ramble.

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