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passive-aggressive hoarding housemate!

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    Hi all,

    I'm a first year but I'm living in a shared house with my boyfriend and another student (a guy on my boyfriend's course). I didn't really know this other guy when I moved in, but he seemed normal.

    However, since moving in he's been systematically rude and passive-aggressive! I really need some advice on how to deal with this. Yesterday when I came home, I found he had taken half of the kitchen utensils (ALL the frying pans, some knives, most of the mugs and cutlery) into his room and hiding it there without telling us or saying why. He avoided me in the house, so I sent him a facebook message and he didn't respond, despite the fact that I could hear him typing on his computer to other people! I should mention that the kitchen stuff he's taken is his own, but we all agreed at the start that we'd each only bring 1/3 of our kitchen tuff to avoid clutter since the kitchen is small...I now have no way of getting my stuff so I am unable to cook!

    He's been like this ever since we moved in, but in more subtle ways. Some examples of things he's done in the past;

    -Putting an angry note on the kitchen door if we don't wash up within less than 2 hours of using stuff (it is always done the same day it's used)!

    -Hiding various household items in his room to stop me using them (kitchen roll, washing up liquid) even though I and my boyfriend paid for them or paid for other household items to the same value.

    -Sellotaping a "cleaning tips" note to the door with my initials filled in telling me what dates I should clean various things - pre-completed for the entire year (whether or not they are dirty, and without even discussing it with me...!)

    -Throwing my washing up sponge in the bin when it's clean and only been used about twice and I have no new ones left.

    I can't understand why he is doing these things and avoiding me like this! He has made no effort to be friends at all and simply been rude the entire time. I invited him out to things with my friends, but he never returned the invite (and hardly ever leaves the house...) I'm very tidy, I wash up within a few hours of using things and never leave stuff lying about. I hoover the floors, I don't make any loud noise. Please help, fellow students! My housemate is a nightmare!
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    Why don't you try talking to him instead of complaining on TSR? He's obviously a bit weird and crazy.
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    (Original post by Michaelj)
    Why don't you try talking to him instead of complaining on TSR? He's obviously a bit weird and crazy.
    she doesn't try talking to him anymore just because he's weird and crazy!
    I think he has an OCD
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    Hi there!
    sorry to hear you're in such a bad situation! i've got a flat mate who's difficult - opposite of yours - he's really messy and i don't think he understands the phase 'washing up'...
    anyway - i'm afraid you're going to have to have it out with him. talking is the only way to sort it out. get your boyfriend onside and have a flat meeting in a shared area of the flat (easier than in someone's room) and the three of you talk it out. ambush him when he's out of his room, or one of you go in and saw you need to talk to him in the kitchen NOW. it'll be much harder for your annoying flat mate to excuse what he's doing if it's 2 against 1. Plan what you're going to say, make sure you bring up why it's inappropriate what he's doing.
    also keep the rude notes he's sending you and a vague record of the wierd stuff he's doing, just in case you ever need to involve the landlord or someone's parents get involved and you need proof. if he does keep going get in touch with the landlord as he/she may be able to help.
    hope this helps and stuff gets better!
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by anatolia3)
    she doesn't try talking to him anymore just because he's weird and crazy!
    I think he has an OCD
    This is pretty much it!

    I used to talk to him, but now I just feel angry when I try to have a conversation because he comes out with weird things... or sometimes he just acts friendly but then behind my back he's hiding the kitchen items! I don't want to confront him because I'm afraid I'll end up shouting since his behaviour has gotten quite ridiculous... :mad:
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Katie_11)
    i'm afraid you're going to have to have it out with him. talking is the only way to sort it out. get your boyfriend onside and have a flat meeting in a shared area of the flat (easier than in someone's room) and the three of you talk it out. ambush him when he's out of his room, or one of you go in and saw you need to talk to him in the kitchen NOW. it'll be much harder for your annoying flat mate to excuse what he's doing if it's 2 against 1. Plan what you're going to say, make sure you bring up why it's inappropriate what he's doing.
    I think you are right, I do need to speak to him face-to-face! I'm not the type of person to be confrontational normally, and nor is my boyfriend... Plus, I think my boyfriend feels a bit weird because they are on the same course and he doesn't want to make things awkward with this guy or people that know this guy for the rest of his time at uni.

    I'm not sure about the state of his mental health. I gather that a couple of months ago, he got "scammed" by some South American online 'girlfriend' that he'd been talking to for months when he decided to send her hundreds of pounds to visit England... which she obviously didn't do! I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to talk to his parents. They are the over-protective type (came over and cleaned everything and put a dryer in when he moved in) and I have their contact details.
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    You are calling this guy passive aggressive but you can't even speak to him face to face so you send him a fb message, a bit ironic isn't it?
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    (Original post by chronic_fatigue)
    You are calling this guy passive aggressive but you can't even speak to him face to face so you send him a fb message, a bit ironic isn't it?
    Not really, no.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by chronic_fatigue)
    You are calling this guy passive aggressive but you can't even speak to him face to face so you send him a fb message, a bit ironic isn't it?
    I don't think you know what irony means, but I see your point.

    Actually, he was avoiding me in the house, going up to his bedroom every time I came in. I assumed he finds it difficult to talk face to face so I sent him a message on Facebook. What I did there is really quite different from waiting until everyone goes out and then hiding household items and kitchen utensils in your bedroom! :mad:
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I sent him another message telling him I will be having a chat with him tonight when he gets back from university about why he has hidden these kitchen items. I noticed that some of my own stuff had been taken as well, so I believe that is actually theft!
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    I don't normally recommend this but I think you should consider buying a giant mouse trap and leaving it outside his door.
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    TLDR. I may be in a related but opposite situation; my housemate is rude and hasn't bought anything for the kitchen. I, otoh, have provided every possible cooking utensil , alongside cutlery, plates etc. Today I have reached my limit and have moved it all into my room. If all that stuff belongs to your housemate he can do whatever he wants with it.

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Updated: June 7, 2012
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