[legallyblondelol]

Another poem I wrote today, just what I'm feeling at the moment... Would really appreciate any comments!

Darling a piece of me died
I'm slipping away
I will love you forever
I will never understand how something so beautiful
Could perish so fast

Darling I burnt myself today
Bathing in scorching waters
But I didn't care that
The skin fell away
And now I'm mutilated

Two weeks gone
I have no connection to any thing
My blank, dead stare under set eyes
On the surface I am engaged
Underneath I am dying a million deaths

But nobody compares to you
Nothing is worth living for anymore
Never again will a you pass through my life
Darling I'm slipping away, I'm slipping away

Don't walk away, come back
Don't let me slip away
I'm being tortured inside
It would be easy to take that ride again
Through the Muir pines and slam myself into that tree
Wrap my body around that tree, gone

I will love you forever,
Darling I'm slipping away
Why we couldn't be
Maybe in a parallel world

I'm probably cast to your forgotten memories
It's now three weeks, must be
I light up in the steamy street we met a month ago
Oh darling, I'm slipping away
I'll be waiting in another life

But I'm terrified that when I go tonight
You won't be on the other side
At those gates
Darling it's almost over, will you be there?

I can't stop this pain
Everything is black and meaningless
Look at what you've done to me
This is you, I've slipped away for you

[sammy-lou]

This was good. Maybe work on the rhythm, try to keep an eye on the syllables in each line because they were a bit erratic and gave it a slightly jolty pace in places.

I like the concept of the poem; it's simple but the language you use really helps to illustrate your idea. I like the way you directly refer to 'Darling', it's actually adds to the sadness. I could see this poem as lyrics actually.

[the bear]

i don't think the italic font helps much...

[legallyblondelol]

(Original post by sammy-lou)
This was good. Maybe work on the rhythm, try to keep an eye on the syllables in each line because they were a bit erratic and gave it a slightly jolty pace in places.

I like the concept of the poem; it's simple but the language you use really helps to illustrate your idea. I like the way you directly refer to 'Darling', it's actually adds to the sadness. I could see this poem as lyrics actually.

Thanks for the comments! It was a sad time, I guess that is why I wrote it.