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Am I just unlikeable?

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    Hi

    I've been at university for two years but I feel close to no one. My housemates just have me around because I fill up the extra bedroom and I thought I was making progress with them this year - we've gone out together a lot of times and we have conversations and I try hard to listen and talk and be fun and not be antisocial and just the person who rents the spare room. But even after a year they still see me that way I think - as the outside of their group - and they all made plans without me for the summer, and made no effort to hide it from me. I thought I'd made progress with them this year but obviously they just don't like me. Which is fine because you can't force a friendship, but I have no one else to turn to.

    I feel like I'm boring everyone I talk to, like I'm just a burden and they'd much rather be talking to someone else than me. I feel like I'm a nerd who says stuff no one else cares about and who isn't able to be fun like everyone else. I am a fun person. I'm relaxed and I like to laugh and joke, but I like getting to know people first because I'm quite shy and reserved. But even though I am shy, I try hard (though I really don't come across strong) to be confident and talk to people, and try to show my 'fun' side. But it's been two years and it hasn't worked. I barely have any friends on my course. I admit, in first year, I barely made any effort. I didn't like my hallmates and I tried hanging out with them but they just weren't my kind of people, so I didn't force it. But instead of joining societies and making friends, I just spent time with talking to my friends from back home and my boyfriend. I didn't really make any 'true' friends.

    I broke up with my bf around the start of 2nd year and my home friends are all busy with their friends at their own universities. My best friend is even too busy to talk to me, so I don't even have her anymore. I joined some societies this year but I still felt like a loser, burden of a person, who's uninteresting and no matter how hard I try, I feel like no one likes me. I didn't used to be like this. I had friends in high school, but now I feel like it's impossible for someone to want to spend time with me. I'm just a convenience.

    I said I'd join even more societies next year and try to make friends there, but what's the point? It doesn't matter who I talk to, no one will want to be friends with me. I feel so lonely and so upset that this is my life. When I imagined myself at university, it was a million miles away from this. Everyone else on facebook has plans all the time, a close group of friends to hang out with and watch films with, just to relax with and be myself. I've never had that at university. I feel so sad that what's supposed to be the best years of my life are being wasted and that I'm so alone. I'm not important to anyone and it makes me feel like the most worthless person in the world. Whether I try or not, I can't make friends.
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    I'm so sorry that you feel like this, like an outsider watching everybody else having a good time. I promise you that I've been there as well.

    One thing I found out as a battled out of the dark valley fate had pushed me into was that quite a few of the people who looked happy on the outside were anything but happy. A girl I knew quite well in year 13 went drinking with friends almost every Friday although she didn't enjoy it just to avoid being on her own. She actually wanted to go classical music concerts but was too shy to go on her own. Or the bubbly girl I sat next to in A2 lessons who dreaded going home every night because her mum and dad were going through a messy divorce.

    I've just finished my first year at university and have seen what you described from the other side. I'm part of a close group of 4, 2+2, we are not looking to grow the group but if somebody interesting came along of course we would let them in. But they would have to make the first move because we might not even notice otherwise.

    If you send me a private message I'm sure I could help you some more even if it was only the odd exchange of emails.
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    I would just love to know what I've written that deserved a negative from somebody. I thought I was being helpful and supportive.
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    You have a bad attitude
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks Orphan I'll send you a pm later if that's okay? I really appreciate your help.

    And how do I have a bad attitude? (I'm not being defensive, I just don't understand what you mean. I want to be friends with people.)
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    In what way is what I wrote showing a bad attitude? Or are you talking about the OP?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi

    I've been at university for two years but I feel close to no one. My housemates just have me around because I fill up the extra bedroom and I thought I was making progress with them this year - we've gone out together a lot of times and we have conversations and I try hard to listen and talk and be fun and not be antisocial and just the person who rents the spare room. But even after a year they still see me that way I think - as the outside of their group - and they all made plans without me for the summer, and made no effort to hide it from me. I thought I'd made progress with them this year but obviously they just don't like me. Which is fine because you can't force a friendship, but I have no one else to turn to...

    ...I said I'd join even more societies next year and try to make friends there, but what's the point? It doesn't matter who I talk to, no one will want to be friends with me. I feel so lonely and so upset that this is my life. When I imagined myself at university, it was a million miles away from this. Everyone else on facebook has plans all the time, a close group of friends to hang out with and watch films with, just to relax with and be myself. I've never had that at university. I feel so sad that what's supposed to be the best years of my life are being wasted and that I'm so alone. I'm not important to anyone and it makes me feel like the most worthless person in the world. Whether I try or not, I can't make friends.
    I think it has just been a case of missing the boat really. You arnt unlikable because you hav freinds back home so you clearly do have likeable characteristics. Its jus like you said, you wernt that interactive first year so you missd the oppurtunity to make freinds and now is a case you may be trying too hard and with the wrong people

    Its never too late to make new freinds so go out, join those societies that interest you and relax. People will tell if your tense or trying too hard, so just be urself an have fun!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi

    I've been at university for two years but I feel close to no one. My housemates just have me around because I fill up the extra bedroom and I thought I was making progress with them this year - we've gone out together a lot of times and we have conversations and I try hard to listen and talk and be fun and not be antisocial and just the person who rents the spare room. But even after a year they still see me that way I think - as the outside of their group - and they all made plans without me for the summer, and made no effort to hide it from me. I thought I'd made progress with them this year but obviously they just don't like me. Which is fine because you can't force a friendship, but I have no one else to turn to.

    I feel like I'm boring everyone I talk to, like I'm just a burden and they'd much rather be talking to someone else than me. I feel like I'm a nerd who says stuff no one else cares about and who isn't able to be fun like everyone else. I am a fun person. I'm relaxed and I like to laugh and joke, but I like getting to know people first because I'm quite shy and reserved. But even though I am shy, I try hard (though I really don't come across strong) to be confident and talk to people, and try to show my 'fun' side. But it's been two years and it hasn't worked. I barely have any friends on my course. I admit, in first year, I barely made any effort. I didn't like my hallmates and I tried hanging out with them but they just weren't my kind of people, so I didn't force it. But instead of joining societies and making friends, I just spent time with talking to my friends from back home and my boyfriend. I didn't really make any 'true' friends.

    I broke up with my bf around the start of 2nd year and my home friends are all busy with their friends at their own universities. My best friend is even too busy to talk to me, so I don't even have her anymore. I joined some societies this year but I still felt like a loser, burden of a person, who's uninteresting and no matter how hard I try, I feel like no one likes me. I didn't used to be like this. I had friends in high school, but now I feel like it's impossible for someone to want to spend time with me. I'm just a convenience.

    I said I'd join even more societies next year and try to make friends there, but what's the point? It doesn't matter who I talk to, no one will want to be friends with me. I feel so lonely and so upset that this is my life. When I imagined myself at university, it was a million miles away from this. Everyone else on facebook has plans all the time, a close group of friends to hang out with and watch films with, just to relax with and be myself. I've never had that at university. I feel so sad that what's supposed to be the best years of my life are being wasted and that I'm so alone. I'm not important to anyone and it makes me feel like the most worthless person in the world. Whether I try or not, I can't make friends.
    Okay so you have friends from home and you had a boyfriend, which means your definitely not just unlikeable. Being honest, i think your biggest mistake was not making as much of an effort in first year because now everyone in your course will already be in their friends groups etc and it's difficult to just join aload of people who have already been together for years. But that doesn't mean you can't make friends, you can try and engage them also there are thousands of other people at uni, I know you don't think there's any point in joining clubs or societies etc but this really does work. Some of my closest friends I made in sports clubs so I'd recommend this, sports teams tend to be quite close knit friends so try joining one! And it will give you something to do. And most team clubs have socials which you shouldn't be afraid to go along to. Or try societies for things you're interested in because everyone else in that society will be interested in the same stuff. Just talk, exchange numbers etc.

    Things will get better, uni is supposed to be some of the best years of your life, don't spend it giving up on people.


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    #2

    Same situation. No friends and it's the end of second year. Had a boyfriend and focused on friends from home. But also started developing severe anxiety in social situations. Hopefully will improve next year.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks Orphan I'll send you a pm later if that's okay? I really appreciate your help.

    And how do I have a bad attitude? (I'm not being defensive, I just don't understand what you mean. I want to be friends with people.)
    I am happy to help. I don't seem to have had your PM yet?

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Updated: June 18, 2012
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