Your date is possibly a former heroin addict

How would you deal with the situation if you found out a guy you're seeing is likely in the past to have been a heroin addict? I've seen this guy about five or six times now, and I think he's brilliant.

I really enjoy his company and find him very attractive physically and there's great chemistry. I stayed at his place last night, and this morning when I was looking for a panadol in his bathroom I found a bottle of methadone with his name printed on it. I didn't say anything to him when I saw it.

I'm familiar enough with these things to know what that probably implies, though I can't recall having seen needle marks anywhere on his body (and I've seen all of it). He doesn't have any of the stereotypical characteristics of a drug addict, he's in pretty good shape and so on.

I really like him a lot, he's a lovely person and a very attractive individual physically and mentally (perhaps even slightly out of my league, if I'm to be honest). How would you deal with this situation? Clearly I'm not thinking that this means I should call it off (and I'm not hysterical enough about these things to think he "owes me an explanation"), but I'm not sure whether I should even bring it up, how I should go about discussing it with him, what implications it has, etc etc

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 1

Smerky

Ask him. Also if you are not willing to continue seeing him due to his past screw up that reflects more on you then him.

Reply 2

Rich_183

So what, what matters is the person not the drugs... (unless he values brown over you... or causing problems within your relationship then maybe re consider things...) Also it looks like he is making positive steps to reducing his use by the methedrone..

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 3

MostUncivilised

Original post by Smerky

Ask him. Also if you are not willing to continue seeing him due to his past screw up that reflects more on you then him.

Original post by Rich_183

Quite. I really don't want to embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable, but I am keen to know what the implications might be. I'm considering not mentioning it until I know him better, because it might simply complicate things at a time where it's probably better to keep it simple.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 4

Helenia

Original post by MostUncivilised

Clearly. I think my OP made quite clear that I like him a lot; the question was how to proceed. It seems a bit more complicated than "Oh, by the way, I saw some methadone in your bathroom, please explain".

It would be as awkward for him (well, more so) than it would be for me; I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable and I'm very keen to continue seeing him. He doesn't owe me an explanation; equally though, I'm keen to "know the score" (pun intended).

Quite. I really don't want to embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable, but I am keen to know what the implications might be. I'm considering not mentioning it until I know him better, because it might simply complicate things at a time where it's probably better to keep it simple.

Wow, this is a tricky one! It's possible that he doesn't have scars because he never injected, or because it was a long time ago and they've healed reasonably well. People can be on methadone for years after successfully quitting heroin - and then again people can be on methadone and still using, so I would say it is important to know where you stand. A relationship with someone who has been off heroin for 5 years and has sorted their life out would be very different from a relationship with someone who was still relapsing.

Where was the bottle? If it was clearly visible sitting on a shelf, then it's probably easier to bring it up in conversation than if you were rootling through his cupboards. It's never going to be easy, but I would bring it up at a quiet moment when you're in private, just something like "Erm, this is really awkward, but when I was in your bathroom I noticed a bottle of methadone and I wanted to know what that's all about?" If you have a good relationship then at some point he'll probably want to tell you anyway, but if you want to know where you stand regarding his current drug use (FWIW I don't think it's a bad thing to not want to date someone who is actively using or struggling to quit) then you need to ask.

Reply 5

MostUncivilised

Original post by Helenia

Thanks for the advice :smile:

It's very much appreciated.

As you say, a relationship with someone who has been off drugs and turned their life around is a quite different proposition from someone who is still struggling with a drug problem.

Where was the bottle? If it was clearly visible sitting on a shelf, then it's probably easier to bring it up in conversation than if you were rootling through his cupboards.

It was in a draw with razors and wax and stuff like that; not exactly hidden, but not sitting out in the open either. I suppose this is part of the problem; I don't want him to think I was being nosey and going through his stuff, I'm truly not like that.

It's never going to be easy, but I would bring it up at a quiet moment when you're in private, just something like "Erm, this is really awkward, but when I was in your bathroom I noticed a bottle of methadone and I wanted to know what that's all about?"

That sounds like a sensible way to go about it; I'm not going to make a huge deal out of it, just bring it up discreetly and non-judgementally and ask him the situation if he's willing to talk about it.

If you have a good relationship then at some point he'll probably want to tell you anyway, but if you want to know where you stand regarding his current drug use (FWIW I don't think it's a bad thing to not want to date someone who is actively using or struggling to quit) then you need to ask.

Most definitely. I would be pretty circumspect about dating a guy who has an active drug problem. I do find it hard to imagine that he is still using (though that is 100% speculation on my part; maybe he's just very good at hiding it), but I'd be keen to know where we stand.

I think that if the conversation we have is going to work out well, I need to stay away from condescension and emphasise to him that I don't think less of him for having had a problem with heroin, but having seen the bottle I think it's fair just to have an idea of what implications this has for us having a relationship (and from a practical perspective... if he's had a problem in the past, do I need to be more thoughtful about drug-related stuff; i.e. not bring Trainspotters if we're having a DVD night and so on).

Lots of stuff to ponder, I really appreciate the advice.

Reply 6

RichyFrench

Honesty is the best policy. Say you weren't snooping around but you did come across the bottle of methadone and you were just wondering what his deal is.. You'd just like to know what's going on so you're aware of the situation if things get more serious between you two.

Reply 7

Helenia

I forgot to say in my first post, if you find out he did used to inject, I would be very keen on seeing up-to-date HIV, hep b&c tests before considering any unprotected sexual stuff.

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my HTC Desire S

Reply 8

MostUncivilised

Original post by Helenia

I forgot to say in my first post, if you find out he did used to inject, I would be very keen on seeing up-to-date HIV, hep b&c tests before considering any unprotected sexual stuff.

A very sensible precaution, though I have to confess that obtaining up-to-date STD tests and showing each other the results was one of the first things we did after we met. And not out of any desire to be sensible per se; it was just a desire to get that out of the way as soon as possible so we can rut without inhibition :fight:

Original post by RichyFrench

Most def. I discussed it with him today and he was characteristically nonplussed. He was very honest, it was something that happened a few years ago, it's not something that has much bearing on what we do now, but he said it's (his history is) also part of the package, as it were. Very glad we sorted that because I'm falling in love with him rather quickly.

Thanks for the advice people, it is very much appreciated.