[marmaduke80]

hi there i need to send a email to my chosen university explaining why i have not achieved the grade I needed for the university. I just finished my access to higher education course which I have failed mainly because of working and having to support myself, brother and his child for a few months. I would greatly appreciate it if someone could read this letter and point out my errors.


EMAIL MESSAGE.

Hello my name is L****** and within this message I would like to explain why I could not commit to my course causing myself to fail. As my course started I knew it was going to be difficult with working a full time position at the trainstation aswell as three nights a week with the TA army. As I continued the course I ran into great financial difficulties so I had to work extra hours to support myself and temporary my brother and his child, as he had fallen out with his girlfriend. As I am so determined to become a successful journalist I just couldn't give it up. I know education should be my number one concern though when you are in the situation where you have to support a brother and his young child it is if everything is less important, I can tell you the last year was the hardest year of my life. I have traveled most places in the world leaving home at 17 for the RAF Regt and leaving the country to live in New Zealand at 18 I believe I have experienced so much, even learning Russian as a secondary language. I will be a exceptional student and with the support of student finance I can put 100% into this course and I assure you that you will never find anyone as hard working as myself. If you do not think I am suitable for the Multimedia Journalism course I will be applying for an foundation business course then I will be transferring when I pass that next year.

Thank you.

L********




END OF EMAIL MESSAGE.

any suggestions?

[TheSownRose]

(Original post by marmaduke80)
any suggestions?

The main problem is everything is jumbled up. You want to explain why you failed and then why you're a good student. I've re-jigged things as an example of how you could re-write it and put it in the spoiler:

Spoiler:

Show

Hello

my name is L****** and within this message I would like to explain why I could not commit to my course causing myself to failfailed to meet my offer.

As my course started I knew it was going to be difficult withI was working a full time position at the trainstation aswell as three nights a week with the TA army. As I continued the course I ran into great financial difficulties so I had to work extra hours to support myself and temporarily my brother and his child, as he had fallen out with his girlfriend. As I am so determined to become a successful journalist I just couldn't give it up. I know education should be my number one concern though when you are in the situation where you have to support a brother and his young child it is if everything is less important, I can tell you the last year was the hardest year of my life.I would have preferred to prioritise my education, however my brother and niece/nephew were my biggest responsibility. [You can actually spin that to be good for you; it shows you are a responsible person who does the right thing.]

I have traveled most places in the world leaving home at 17 for the RAF Regt and leaving the country to live in New Zealand at 18 I believe I have experienced so much, even learning Russian as a secondary language. I will be a exceptional student [why?] and with the support of student financeas student finance will alleviate many of the financial difficulties I experienced this year I can put 100% into this course and I assure you that you will never find anyone as hard working as myself. If you do not think I am suitable for the Multimedia Journalism course I will be applying for an foundation business course then I will be transferring when I pass that next year.[You don’t tell them what you and they will be doing, but it is fine to suggest a changed offer for the business foundation year politely.]

Thank you.

L********

You go into too much detail about irrelevant subjects - it doesn't matter how your brother and niece/nephew came to be living with you, just that there were financial difficulties that you faced. You may want to have an explanation of why you didn't seek help from (for example) the college running your Access course.

The other thing you really need to do is clean up the spelling and grammar. I don't mean to sound rude, but when you are trying to convince a university that you would be a good student in spite of the evidence that you failed the Access course, you need to come off as intelligent ... and using poor English doesn't do this.

It's not written as formally as I would and my re-phrased bits stand out like sore thumbs but I have been told I tend to write excessively formally anyway so that may not be a bad thing. However, consider that you are talking to an admissions tutor not your friend. Do the proper 'Dear sir/madam ... yours faithfully' and so forth.


On a slightly different note, you are aware this may not do anything to help? They may be unable to accept you this year due to exceeding the maximum places they can give?

Good luck. If you want another draft looked at, post back and I'll do my best.

[IgorYakov]

(Original post by marmaduke80)
hi there i need to send a email to my chosen university explaining why i have not achieved the grade I needed for the university. I just finished my access to higher education course which I have failed mainly because of working and having to support myself, brother and his child for a few months. I would greatly appreciate it if someone could read this letter and point out my errors.


EMAIL MESSAGE.

Hello my name is L****** and within this message I would like to explain why I could not commit to my course causing myself to fail. As my course started I knew it was going to be difficult with working a full time position at the trainstation aswell as three nights a week with the TA army. As I continued the course I ran into great financial difficulties so I had to work extra hours to support myself and temporary my brother and his child, as he had fallen out with his girlfriend. As I am so determined to become a successful journalist I just couldn't give it up. I know education should be my number one concern though when you are in the situation where you have to support a brother and his young child it is if everything is less important, I can tell you the last year was the hardest year of my life. I have traveled most places in the world leaving home at 17 for the RAF Regt and leaving the country to live in New Zealand at 18 I believe I have experienced so much, even learning Russian as a secondary language. I will be a exceptional student and with the support of student finance I can put 100% into this course and I assure you that you will never find anyone as hard working as myself. If you do not think I am suitable for the Multimedia Journalism course I will be applying for an foundation business course then I will be transferring when I pass that next year.

Thank you.

L********




END OF EMAIL MESSAGE.

any suggestions?

Isn't TA = Territorial Army?

You wrote Territorial Army Army

[marmaduke80]

thank you IgorYakov i have re edited the email as suggested.

Hello
My name is L****** and within this message I would like to explain why I failed to meet my offer. Whilst attending college I was working a full time position as well as three nights a week with the Military. As I continued the course I ran into great financial difficulties so I had to work extra hours to support myself and temporarily my brother and his child. I would have preferred to prioritise my education, however my brother and niece were my biggest responsibility as my brother and myself grew up with the same difficult parents he is the only family I have left.
Right now I am 21 and already I have experienced so much from joining the forces to moving to New Zealand, exploring Europe and even learning Russian, all of which I have funded and accomplished myself. I also have many outstanding qualities which I can offer that will make me an exceptional student and journalist for instance a high level of determination, eagerness to perfect my understanding of the English language and most of all a remarkable ability to research any subject by a variety of different sources.
As student finance will alleviate many of the financial difficulties I experienced this year I can put 100% into this course and graduate with a 1st and evidently become a successful individual. If possible could we arrange an interview to further discuss my options for ***** university.
Thank you,
L********

[Juno]

You still don't explain why you'd be a good student or why you want to do the course. It just sounds as though you're trying to make them feel sorry for you.

[K Mac]

xxxxxx