[Anonymous]

Okay, I presume it's obsession but oh well. To simplify my four years of torment into one easy to digest paragraph: Boy meets girl, boy becomes best friends with girl, boy realises that he has feelings for girl - after a two year wait boy tells girl. Girl rejects boy several times over a year or so, boy (as if you haven't guessed, myself) doesn't get the message.

I think it's enough of the baby speak now, I guess.

About six months ago we had an argument and we stopped talking. Where argument means "me moaning about what her boyfriend and herself had done" and "stopped talking" means I rather abruptly stopped all contact with her. Yes, I do know that was very immature of me, but it was a rash decision, and I'd like to think it was the right thing to have done then.

However, she called me yesterday evening, wanting to know how I was. Note that she usually tries to get in touch with me over Facebook, however I hadn't replied because well, I kinda didn't want anything to do with her. Moving back to the phone call - this light hearted chat soon turned into something rather deep - her demanding to know why I had "hated" her (which after about half an hour she finally believed that I hadn't hated her, but still had feelings for her) and some other stuff that doesn't need to be revealed here.

Despite the fact that she has a boyfriend - that was probably the main reason I stopped talking to her back then - and the fact that I do still carry a flame for her - she knows all this, she even accepts that, she was/is quite literally begging me to still be her friend - even going as far as saying that even if I don't see her as a friend, she'll always see me as a friend. Something like that anyway.

So folks, I don't know what to do. Heck, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Bump?

[jeery83]

You both want different things from each other. You need to move on. Read this:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/lett...-doesnt-exist/

[glousck]

It's such a difficult situation to be in, shows you can't choose who you fall in love with.

Basically, although half of me wants to say that you shouldn't throw away your friendship, think of all the effort you've gone through by trying to erase her from your life to get rid of your feelings for her. That shows something. I hate to say it but once you resume your friendship those feelings won't just stay away, they'll come flooding back (been in that situation myself).

Just think to yourself - how are you going to feel, for example, if you meet up with her one day and she's invited her boyfriend along and you have to watch them holding hands/cuddling/kissing etc. You need to explain very clearly to her next time you speak that you don't hate her, you just find it to spend time with someone who you have feelings for and feeling like you're being led on. But at the same time from the sounds of it you need to try and accept also that this will only ever be a platonic friendship between the two of you. It's always hard for a boy and girl to have a close friendship without one getting more involved emotionally than the other, and that's something to consider as well.


Hope you come out of this okay, it's horrible when you fall for some-one you wish you could just be friends with.

xx

[AndroidLight]

There's two paths to take, either are correct but taking the middle ground will end you up in a pile of crap.

1) Fight for her and win her.
This seldom ever works outside of movie realm and you'd have to take a lot of rubbish before getting there, so I probably wouldn't recommend it. And if she has rejected you several times, perhaps it's just best to let it be.

2) Forget her.
Being friends won't work, you'll remember your feelings too often and you'll make stupid decisions that'll jeopardise you friendship.

The second choice is easier to do, and although it may point a little towards cowardice in walking way, given the circumstances it's what I'd do.

[Libertinedreamer]

If it were me i would just go up to her an tell her one last time how i feel. Tell her if she doesnt feel the same than that is fine, but she must respect your need to be left alone to move on.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by glousck)
-truncated-

Thanks. What do you mean by "that shows something"? You mean, me actually doing things to try to get out of this vicious circle? For some really strange idea, I feel all right with her relationship thingy, then I don't. It's almost like my opinion of it (and heh, affection too) is sinusoidal.

(Original post by AndroidLight)
-truncated-

Yeah, that's what I tried to do. Forget her. But she keeps coming back and back, even after many months, checking in few weeks or so, in an attempt to try to get me back as a friend.

Although I've tried to fight for her in the past, it isn't worth it. Although it would be really cool to have a sword fight with the boyfriend. I mean, seriously cool. I've always wanted to be a knight!

(Original post by Libertinedreamer)
If it were me i would just go up to her an tell her one last time how i feel. Tell her if she doesnt feel the same than that is fine, but she must respect your need to be left alone to move on.

Heh. I tell her I don't want to talk to her for quite some time, she'll be back in a week to check how I am. And the week after. I can't win with her... >_>

Anyway, thanks for the advice guys.

[Anonymous]

Just an update for anyone that may be interested in this. (okay, probably no-one.)

We've decided to just avoid each other for a while. She tried to invite me to her birthday bash, but I told her that it'd be a pointless exercise.

Just a general question to anyone, do you find in situations similar to these, that you have days in which you are perfectly happy for someone because they're in a decent relationship (and actually feeling really because of that), and others you feel really ****?

Almost like being bipolar, without the medicine.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Anonymous)

Just a general question to anyone, do you find in situations similar to these, that you have days in which you are perfectly happy for someone because they're in a decent relationship (and actually feeling really because of that), and others you feel really ****?

Almost like being bipolar, without the medicine.

I actually get that quite a lot! Just the other day I was thinking to myself that it must feel exactly like (very) accelerated bipolar: thinking about her triggers very frequent mood swings throughout the day, which can range from elevating to utterly depressing. I'm very much sick of this obsession and I'm going to tell her about it once I'm back at uni, that should hopefully give me some peace of mind. How did you approach her about it after 2 years? I fear it would shock and upset her if I was to confess out of the blue after I've known her for a year. I don't mind losing the friendship if that's what it takes, but I'd rather not hurt her

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I actually get that quite a lot! Just the other day I was thinking to myself that it must feel exactly like (very) accelerated bipolar: thinking about her triggers very frequent mood swings throughout the day, which can range from elevating to utterly depressing. I'm very much sick of this obsession and I'm going to tell her about it once I'm back at uni, that should hopefully give me some peace of mind. How did you approach her about it after 2 years? I fear it would shock and upset her if I was to confess out of the blue after I've known her for a year. I don't mind losing the friendship if that's what it takes, but I'd rather not hurt her

It was a mixture of peer pressure and a boiling cauldron. Everyone (quite literally, it was like that) but her knew about my feelings - so they were constantly teasing me about it.

So one day I told her and got the "but I've only ever thought of you as a friend" speech. It was rather humiliating, but I'd rather be in this situation - now she has a boyfriend rather than me saying "oh, you have a boyfriend now. btw, I have feelings for you".

I'd tell her as soon as you can, just to get it into the open.

[Anonymous]

She started seeing her first boyfriend a couple of months into university. I'm not sure if they're still together, they might have broken up but I have no way of knowing without asking her directly. In any case I'm going to tell her whether she's single or not just for the sake of moving on. I'm not expecting a positive answer regardless of her relationship situation though :/

[Profesh]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Although I've tried to fight for her in the past, it isn't worth it. Although it would be really cool to have a sword fight with the boyfriend. I mean, seriously cool. I've always wanted to be a knight!

[Podcaster]

One word. Friendzoned.

Wasting time on a girl who clearly doesn't like you is the biggest pitfall of many men. Ignoring her is a good idea. From her point of view the friendship is now mega awkward and from your point of view it's now mega painful. However even thought she will find it awkward she is still wanting to be your friend because she wants the typical nice guy shoulder to cry on who adores her. Ironically you getting a different girlfriend may be the only way to get with her via jealousy. I may sound like an expert but I'm just cobbling together all the bull**** laws I've heard over the years. I've never had a girlfriend. I hate the system with it's vagueness and lack of logical progression.

[Plushie]

To be honest, the only way to get over the entire thing is to just cut all ties. It clearly isn't working, the friendship isn't working because you like her, and you are probably clinging to the friendship in the hope something will happen which it seems like it won't.

I suggest you leave it and move on. It's the only thing that has ever worked for me to be honest. It'll be hard at first but if you get the urge to call/text/message then just don't. I know right now it probably sounds impossible but if you let it go, she will eventually become a distant thought and you will get over it

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Podcaster)
One word. Friendzoned.

Wasting time on a girl who clearly doesn't like you is the biggest pitfall of many men. Ignoring her is a good idea. From her point of view the friendship is now mega awkward and from your point of view it's now mega painful. However even thought she will find it awkward she is still wanting to be your friend because she wants the typical nice guy shoulder to cry on who adores her. Ironically you getting a different girlfriend may be the only way to get with her via jealousy. I may sound like an expert but I'm just cobbling together all the bull**** laws I've heard over the years. I've never had a girlfriend. I hate the system with it's vagueness and lack of logical progression.

I have no intention to stay friends with her in the likely event that I'm rejected. She'll probably want to salvage our friendship but - as much as I enjoy her company - staying friends would just keep the wound open and prevent me from moving on and meeting new people. This year has been incredibly taxing mentally and it's time for it to end, one way or another (I'd sure prefer it if she didn't reject me though! )

[. . .]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Okay, I presume it's obsession but oh well. To simplify my four years of torment into one easy to digest paragraph: Boy meets girl, boy becomes best friends with girl, boy realises that he has feelings for girl - after a two year wait boy tells girl. Girl rejects boy several times over a year or so, boy (as if you haven't guessed, myself) doesn't get the message.

I think it's enough of the baby speak now, I guess.

About six months ago we had an argument and we stopped talking. Where argument means "me moaning about what her boyfriend and herself had done" and "stopped talking" means I rather abruptly stopped all contact with her. Yes, I do know that was very immature of me, but it was a rash decision, and I'd like to think it was the right thing to have done then.

However, she called me yesterday evening, wanting to know how I was. Note that she usually tries to get in touch with me over Facebook, however I hadn't replied because well, I kinda didn't want anything to do with her. Moving back to the phone call - this light hearted chat soon turned into something rather deep - her demanding to know why I had "hated" her (which after about half an hour she finally believed that I hadn't hated her, but still had feelings for her) and some other stuff that doesn't need to be revealed here.

Despite the fact that she has a boyfriend - that was probably the main reason I stopped talking to her back then - and the fact that I do still carry a flame for her - she knows all this, she even accepts that, she was/is quite literally begging me to still be her friend - even going as far as saying that even if I don't see her as a friend, she'll always see me as a friend. Something like that anyway.

So folks, I don't know what to do. Heck, what do I do?

You are in the friendzone my friend. There is nothing you can do.