[mikejr]

Hey all,

Apologies for the epic post - you might have to get used to it!

New here, but have read around and think i can get some pretty good advice. Anyways, this is a pretty popular topic, but everyone's different and just wanted your views...

So, I left for Uni nearly two years ago, leaving most of my friends in jobs, I got there well, made quite a few new friends, who of course some of whom I now live with at Uni, and some of whom I'll be living with throughout my Uni life, and doubtless know for a very long time after.

I got home for the summer, and especially this year, things just feel different. Long story short, my friends at home for one reason or another aren't at Uni, and I mean pretty much all of them, and although some are going to Uni this year (2 years later than they could have), I still feel different.

I guess the best way I can explain it is there's some kind of 'reverse-snobbery' (in that you'd expect it to be the other way round) at the fact that I'm a student, and therefore know nothing about the 'reality' and 'hardships' of life. Well of course.

I find it hard for my voice to be heard often in the group, and often my suggestions are brushed over or ignored in favour of other 'better' opinions. It's almost as if there's some kind of spite going on. I have never done anything knowingly to upset them or stuff like that. Most of them are metal heads, quite stubborn and destructively negative people, which is perhaps the biggest reason I feel different; being quite optimistic, open minded and easy-going (although some of them would think different) and not criticising everyone or everything at every available opportunity.

And now I sometimes can't debate with them in a civilised manner without being accused of assuming superiority because I'm a student and being supposedly 'more educated.' Well, at least I'm not bitching at every opportunity over the gripes of being stuck in my dead end job in the same dead end routine and with the same like-minded people. Don't get me wrong, I like and mostly respect them and have known many of them for years, but I'm beginning to feel I'm not doing myself any favours by sticking with them any more. I could count on one hand how many I see as real talk about anything 'real friends' whom I'd be profoundly sorry to see go.

Anyway, so there's no tldr's, I'll leave it at that, so any tips so far?

Cheers in advance guys.

[mikejr]

Any advice guys? I don't know if I need to say much more but I'll give one example of the type of thing which gets me down. I was discussing the Olympic's opening ceremony the other day with one of my mates and long story short he said he didn't like any of it because 'it showed all that was bad about Britain and was just negative' and that he was 'disappointed that I liked it'. Now obviously the latter I find quite patronising but I don't know if the former statement was genuine or what but I just feel it's pointless arguing - even though I do, and perhaps it's why I fail and therefore feel more down - with such apparent irrationality... This is just one example, I could name many more like it, but another factor I think which doesn't help is some of them are quite self-absorbed which is often coupled with competitive self-pitying and misery (e.g. I'm in more debt and more hard-done-by than you...), you know the 'everything in the world and all the people in it are sh*t' types?

Sometimes I just feel drained for hours after one slightly argumentative conversation... I wish I was able to restrain myself from arguing with them and fuelling their negativity!

Anyone got anything to enlighten me?

[nohomo]

Don't over think them so much. If they make you unhappy stop hanging around with them. Just try to enjoy your summer and do anything you feel you should to improve your future prospects. Don't bother with them if they're being horrible.

[spiral87]

Had people like this in my life for as long as I could remember. Literally wiped the slate clean around February time this year. Started by paying them less and less attention, showing I didn't need them. Went and did stuff I wanted to do all my myself.

And now, after months of searching, I've found some people who are just as weird as me and everything feels good. Real early days yet, I've only had one get together with 'em.

But yeah, just be aware you might be on your own for a while until you find replacements, but you should use that opportunity to build your own character/making yourself look as awesome to your old friends as possible, while not 'needing' them.

[mikejr]

Thanks for the tips guys!

Only trouble is i'm quite sentimental so will try my hardest to make stuff like this work... And it's not all of them, only a handful in all honesty, but it's quite a tight-knit and enclosed group, and there is an element of it rubbing off (I fear some of it will rub off on to me eventually) to others and clearly the negative tone for me overrides most other things.

Also to let age-old friends go would be quite tough, and like you say, I'd likely be pretty much a loner for a while and only leave many good memories with them as a legacy... Trouble is, although I had quite a few friends in my first year at Uni', everyone went different ways in second year and I couldn't afford to go out as much, and so now I have only a handful of people at uni I speak to regularly, and it will be even less in third year thanks to years abroad and one or two people graduating (though hoping to find more money so I can go out more again and join more societies and maybe student radio/newspaper perhaps).

I feel like more life-changes are on the horizon! That always brings joy at the price of some sorrow...

[Alix23]

Let change happen. I'm not saying you should fall out of touch with them, but maybe try to make other friends who are happier with you as you are.

[mikejr]

Yeah like I say there are a few I wouldn't want to cut lose for various reasons but there are the others who just unnecesarily drag me down, and it shouldn't be like that. Making new friends as well is always some amount of work, but nothing to lose I guess. I have one or two people at work I get on quite well with too. So something to build upon.

Anyway as it happens I've just been invited to the pub with some of them (one of whom is one of the particularly 'negative' ones), it's not an unusual feeling that I don't fully want to go, if not only because I'm tired. Still, at least it's something they still invite me...

[spiral87]

(Original post by mikejr)
Thanks for the tips guys!

Only trouble is i'm quite sentimental so will try my hardest to make stuff like this work... And it's not all of them, only a handful in all honesty, but it's quite a tight-knit and enclosed group, and there is an element of it rubbing off (I fear some of it will rub off on to me eventually) to others and clearly the negative tone for me overrides most other things.

Also to let age-old friends go would be quite tough, and like you say, I'd likely be pretty much a loner for a while and only leave many good memories with them as a legacy... Trouble is, although I had quite a few friends in my first year at Uni', everyone went different ways in second year and I couldn't afford to go out as much, and so now I have only a handful of people at uni I speak to regularly, and it will be even less in third year thanks to years abroad and one or two people graduating (though hoping to find more money so I can go out more again and join more societies and maybe student radio/newspaper perhaps).

I feel like more life-changes are on the horizon! That always brings joy at the price of some sorrow...

Trust me, I did the same. My two best friends put me down all the time, but I still really liked them. We'd been besties for 11 or 12 years. I saw past their flaws. Then one day, one of them made me flip and I just stopped talking to him there and then. I was done. My other bestie pretty much replaced me with his girlfriend and I was forever chasing him. Went through depression last year, he was nowhere. So I stopped making an effort. I've spoken to him once since Christmas. What I once ignored as personality traits I see as reasons to dislike them.

And it's forced me to make a bigger effort with other people. While I was with these people, no matter how much contact I had, while there was contact, I wasn't able to change and be the person I wanted to be.

Still, if these mates you wanna keep in touch with are actually nice to you, then still do as I say, because you might be able to 'withdraw' them from this group from time to time without the rest having to tag along. You want them to follow you, you don't want to follow them. If they don't follow you, they're not worth it.

[kpwxx]

(Original post by mikejr)
Hey all,

Apologies for the epic post - you might have to get used to it!

New here, but have read around and think i can get some pretty good advice. Anyways, this is a pretty popular topic, but everyone's different and just wanted your views...

So, I left for Uni nearly two years ago, leaving most of my friends in jobs, I got there well, made quite a few new friends, who of course some of whom I now live with at Uni, and some of whom I'll be living with throughout my Uni life, and doubtless know for a very long time after.

I got home for the summer, and especially this year, things just feel different. Long story short, my friends at home for one reason or another aren't at Uni, and I mean pretty much all of them, and although some are going to Uni this year (2 years later than they could have), I still feel different.

I guess the best way I can explain it is there's some kind of 'reverse-snobbery' (in that you'd expect it to be the other way round) at the fact that I'm a student, and therefore know nothing about the 'reality' and 'hardships' of life. Well of course.

I find it hard for my voice to be heard often in the group, and often my suggestions are brushed over or ignored in favour of other 'better' opinions. It's almost as if there's some kind of spite going on. I have never done anything knowingly to upset them or stuff like that. Most of them are metal heads, quite stubborn and destructively negative people, which is perhaps the biggest reason I feel different; being quite optimistic, open minded and easy-going (although some of them would think different) and not criticising everyone or everything at every available opportunity.

And now I sometimes can't debate with them in a civilised manner without being accused of assuming superiority because I'm a student and being supposedly 'more educated.' Well, at least I'm not bitching at every opportunity over the gripes of being stuck in my dead end job in the same dead end routine and with the same like-minded people. Don't get me wrong, I like and mostly respect them and have known many of them for years, but I'm beginning to feel I'm not doing myself any favours by sticking with them any more. I could count on one hand how many I see as real talk about anything 'real friends' whom I'd be profoundly sorry to see go.

Anyway, so there's no tldr's, I'll leave it at that, so any tips so far?

Cheers in advance guys.

Everyone will have have changed a beut since leaving school. Including yourself. This doesn't mean a friendship should end by any means, but sometimes people change in a way which makes them incompatible with each other as friends... They don't like each other any more or even just don't have anything in common to base the friendship on.

This is unfortunately something that happens with time... It happens without uni as well. I have so many people from school who I don't get on with or just don't see any more, and my friends are the same, whether they went to uni or in to work. We actually discussed the other day how weird it is how many people we don't see any more, and whether this was normal! But I'm pretty sure it is.

The best thing is just to focus on those few you say you still feel close to. Those people who feel like it doesn't matter How long you're apart, it will be just the same when you meet up. Adults tend to have fewer close friends but, for me at least so far, those who I am still close with I feel are true friends who I can realistically say I'll be friends with for life. Enjoy those friends and don't worry about the others.

Obviously you could always talk to then about how you feel. They may just be missing you so hitting back because of that; it should be clear if you talk to them what their true feelings are. But try not to worry too much, as long as you are being nice... Focus on the few who matter

Hope it goes ok for you

Xxx

posted from the TSR Android app

[mikejr]

Cheers guys.

I've been doing some more thinking and have decided that part of it is down to me - since I'm relatively positive in comparison and they can be quite opposite it obviously can get quite abrasive. That's not to necessarily justify some of their apparently irrational negativity nor to say I'd be okay with being just as negative obviously, but that I don't necessarily have to take things as personally as I do I guess. I think I'll see how things go for the rest of the summer and like I say hopefully I'll meet a few more new people at Uni this year.

I think the other issue as well is that people in my group are quite self-absorbed and just don't talk about how they feel to each other (since some of them're always out to maintain their 'untouchable' - for want of a better word - attitude), but rather bitch when people turn away. It might also have something to do with the fact it's a group almost entirely made up of males, with next to no girls... (that's another story entirely...)

Unfortunately for me I can be quite soft and often feel a desire to express my feelings in one way or another when it gets to a certain point, just recently I've noticed myself trying to conceal my feelings when I shouldn't be and doing so in abnormal ways. So, that can't be good, and must be an effect of hanging with these people...

Edit: Additionally interests between me and 'them' vary too. They're mostly in to metal, tend to be quite anti-establishmentist and anti-mainstream (all go hand in hand don't they) and anything else that comes with it. I'm rather - not exactly - the opposite and with regard to these themes is where our opinions mostly differ.

Michael.

[spiral87]

(Original post by mikejr)
I've been doing some more thinking and have decided that part of it is down to me - since I'm relatively positive in comparison and they can be quite opposite it obviously can get quite abrasive.

Down to you meaning, you're better than them. You're not as insensitive or flawed. You write it almost as if it's a negative.

[mikejr]

Sometimes I feel it might be, I mean I don't ever think I'm a better person than them, at all, because obviously that's incredibly pretentious, but I get frustrated with myself sometimes that we don't see eye to eye and me being fine with it; something to do with me wanting to maintain valued and long-time friendships I suppose. And I've always been one to try to not hurt others and keep others happy, at considerable cost to myself sometimes, I guess it's pretty hard to change myself before anything else happens I guess.

What I'm saying is it's a huge upheaval to move on, and once I've done it there's no going back.

Trying not to sound too soppy!

[spiral87]

(Original post by mikejr)
Sometimes I feel it might be, I mean I don't ever think I'm a better person than them, at all, because obviously that's incredibly pretentious, but I get frustrated with myself sometimes that we don't see eye to eye and me being fine with it; something to do with me wanting to maintain valued and long-time friendships I suppose. And I've always been one to try to not hurt others and keep others happy, at considerable cost to myself sometimes, I guess it's pretty hard to change myself before anything else happens I guess.

What I'm saying is it's a huge upheaval to move on, and once I've done it there's no going back.

Trying not to sound too soppy!

It's ok, I'm the soppiest git there is. Sometimes you've got to run away to see who chases after you.

I grew up with your philosophy...I stuck with people who weren't very nice to me for many years, I always wanted to go with the flow if it would please them. And then I realised I wasn't pleasing myself and wondered why I was bothering. I blamed myself for them not being friendly with me. I was different from them, so I should try to be more like them, try to like what they like doing...and in the end it never worked. It didn't help that I never had high self-esteem, perhaps you don't have that problem. But you....YOU are number one. There are always going to be people out there that you don't have to behave this way around.

[mikejr]

Thanks Spiral, your thoughts are genuinely helpful. It's just nice to know it's not an unusual thing to happen either.

I've been saying to myself for a while that I should put me first a bit more, but the way to go about it is the most difficult thing. One problem is that 'I' am quite the lazy b*stard!

[spiral87]

(Original post by mikejr)
Thanks Spiral, your thoughts are genuinely helpful. It's just nice to know it's not an unusual thing to happen either.

I've been saying to myself for a while that I should put me first a bit more, but the way to go about it is the most difficult thing. One problem is that 'I' am quite the lazy b*stard!

No worries.

Oh it is unusual...I don't know how common it is for people to think "I might be hanging around with the wrong group of people here". That thought usually only comes much later after something's split them up, like the end of school, the end of Uni, the end of a job...It's, IMO, much less common for one person to realise they need to ditch an entire group

[mikejr]

Hmm, true. But I guess going to Uni and meeting lots of new people all at one go and with no choice and an ambition to make friends with some of them was where such thoughts began. A new perspective on life and all. But like I say, most of my home friends aren't at Uni, and so have been stuck in pretty much the same group for half a decade.