(Original post by Anonymous)
I'll split it into sections as it's random
I've been constantly down and empty for several years. I've slowly lost interest in everything and can't remember the last time I felt happiness or real comfort. In the first couple of years I still had rare moments, and still had an interest or two, but now I feel like I've shut down, I literally enjoy nothing and don't want to do anything or go out etc. When I was out with friends I could mostly fake it, and I'd be able to laugh etc, but it would never be like before.
I eventually passed my GCSEs (just) and started college, I wanted to do a computing course but I didn't have a pass in Maths, so I did 3 A-Levels, none of which were things I REALLY wanted to do, I don't know why I opted for them. A month or so into the course I wanted to leave, I didn't feel it was right for me, but unbelievably stuck it out for 2 years, and left with 3 fails because I became increasingly depressed. 2 years of consistent struggle and knowing deep down kind of messed me up a bit more, but my Mum didn't understand and made me stay on.
I have severe image issues. I obsess over every flaw, mainly how my hair and face looks, skin and scars etc (suffered from acne for years and now have scars all over my face and back)... I don't know about body dysmorphia but a quick read makes me wonder, because it's not an occasional "oh I feel fat today"... It's always there. I sweat too much, I'm too tall, I look weird etc. Yeah.
I'm on ESA for depression but also have Asperger's and Dyspraxia. On a good day I can go out and functionally as normally as I have been under the circumstances, not like before though. Most days I'm inside all day, on my laptop or eating - "typical lazy person", but I just feel nervous most days. I can't do any old job as I'm not good at thinking quickly, using my hands, interacting with customers or being on my feet all day (I tire VERY easily and get foot pain), I get anxious and can't think/speak coherently.
I feel like a failure, because I function fine around family and it makes me feel guilty, or like a cheat, that I am so different around strangers and in public etc. If I'm out for more than an hour I am exhausted and my feet/legs hurt badly due to weak muscles and flat feet, which lasts for days. I hate not being able to do more than shopping without feeling like I've run a marathon.
E.g. I took my cousin to McDonalds, there were kids outside and I felt nervous just walking past them, and sat inside I didn't really know where to look. I'm fine if I'm with a few people who I feel safe with though, which is why I'm scared DLA or whoever will use the good situations against me.
Another thing, I go off topic as you can see.
Back on topic
So yeah, I feel like I've lost myself. I moved and have family here, but no REAL friends like I used to, and even when I did have them - they're changing and moving on, and I didn't feel myself even with their support. Everyone thinks I'm lazy because I don't go out, when merely it's because I'll try to often avoid it unless I feel decent and I have someone to go out with.
I have the ability to be confident, if I was given 6 months of support. Gym pass, physio, cosmetic surgery and special diets/supplements to make me feel as good as possible. But it doesn't work like that, I know my way of thinking is highly irrational, the way I think is very one track and I need structure.
Another thing, I have become a doctors pest. I don't know the doctors here but I have been going to them on-and-off repeatedly since 2011 to try and sort out a handful of issues I've been having which, combined, influence my feelings of being 'broken', in addition to finding out a cause for this constant fatigue, it's now in my records that I seem desperate to have a physical cause. I'm no hypochondriac, I don't think I have a wide range of issues, I just tried to sort out the ones I did have, and suggested several problems for the symptoms I have been having, which I've now accepted are part of depression and some due to Dyspraxia.
Basically, I've lost myself, and don't know if I'll be able to get on track even if I get a job and a sense of purpose. I'm always so tired and all over the place, no matter what I do or change. Nothing makes sense to me. I'm constantly in a daze or feel confused, I used to be intelligent but I feel like my brain has slowed right down.
I have had counselling and tried Fluoxetine and Citalopram which did nothing.
Just needed to put it out there, I've probably missed stuff out as well.