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Arranged marriages in western society?

Poll

Yay or Nay?

Just wondering what people think who come from a western background think of it, if it was adopted in your country would you be ok with it? Say you still had to option to find someone yourself.

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Reply 1
What about us that already come from a culture that have arranged marriages? We can still have an opinion on it too :tongue:
Original post by Ornlu
What about us that already come from a culture that have arranged marriages? We can still have an opinion on it too :tongue:


This. Also, I hope you know the difference between arranged and forced marriages OP. Some people aren't able to distinguish between the two.
Reply 3
Original post by Multitalented me
Just wondering what people think who come from a western background think of it, if it was adopted in your country would you be ok with it? Say you still had to option to find someone yourself.


I can't think of much worse than my parents being involved in that sort of decision, even in a non pressuring way (which, lets face it, is not really how it works in practise).
Original post by Mankytoes
I can't think of much worse than my parents being involved in that sort of decision, even in a non pressuring way (which, lets face it, is not really how it works in practise).


Thats exactly how it works in western societies (for the most part anyway). I don't know why you're making such assumptions..
Why the **** would i live with someone, let alone procreate with an individual not of my choosing. This something i just don't understand.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Multitalented me
Just wondering what people think who come from a western background think of it, if it was adopted in your country would you be ok with it? Say you still had to option to find someone yourself.


No I wouldn't like my parents or anyone to pick someone for me even though I'd have the option to find someone else, how are they going to know who is right for me?
Reply 7
Original post by Secretnerd123
Thats exactly how it works in western societies (for the most part anyway). I don't know why you're making such assumptions..


What? I live in a Western society! I'm not making assumptions. My parents have made no arangments for me, in fact I didn't even tell them about my girlfriends for a bit. This is normal for people I know. I don't know anyone who has been set up on a date by their parents. I think your information is at least fifty years out of date.
Original post by Mankytoes
What? I live in a Western society! I'm not making assumptions. My parents have made no arangments for me, in fact I didn't even tell them about my girlfriends for a bit. This is normal for people I know. I don't know anyone who has been set up on a date by their parents. I think your information is at least fifty years out of date.


You misunderstood what i said. You're assuming that all/most arranged marriages consist of the parents pressurising the kids.
Original post by Engineer2015
Why the F**K would i live with someone, let alone procreate with an individual not of my choosing. This something i just don't understand.


There is a difference between arranged and forced. Arranged marriages are when the parents find you a spouse that they think is compatible. If you really like them, you get to know them. If you don't , the matter isn't discussed again.
Original post by Secretnerd123
You misunderstood what i said. You're assuming that all/most arranged marriages consist of the parents pressurising the kids.


I think there is always going to be inherent pressure when your parents set you up with someone. I do know some muslims, and they've said their parents are alright, certainly not forcing them into marriages, and they can turn down a couple of matches, but they get to an age (early twenties, not at all old in our society) and they start getting loads of **** about getting married... As I say, with this set up, the element of pressure will always be there, even if it is not overt.

I think one of the best things about Western marriage is our commitment to love marriages- and it's something we take totally for granted. Most people have no idea it is not the worldwide and historical norm.

This system also contributes to narrow and closed communities, if your dating pool is limited to people your parents know. My girlfriend comes from a quite different background to me, and I think that's a good thing, to broaden your horizons.
Original post by Secretnerd123
There is a difference between arranged and forced. Arranged marriages are when the parents find you a spouse that they think is compatible. If you really like them, you get to know them. If you don't , the matter isn't discussed again.


"compatible" how do you know one is "compatible" by looking at them? since the parents are choosing the spouse, they must clearly have an issue with the selection process that evolves the child. Otherwise whats the point of the arranged marriage. If they are going to let you chose in the end, why not just look for one yourself.
Reply 12
In our culture women are allowed to make their own decisions :smile:
Original post by Mankytoes
I think there is always going to be inherent pressure when your parents set you up with someone. I do know some muslims, and they've said their parents are alright, certainly not forcing them into marriages, and they can turn down a couple of matches, but they get to an age (early twenties, not at all old in our society) and they start getting loads of **** about getting married... As I say, with this set up, the element of pressure will always be there, even if it is not overt.

I think one of the best things about Western marriage is our commitment to love marriages- and it's something we take totally for granted. Most people have no idea it is not the worldwide and historical norm.

This system also contributes to narrow and closed communities, if your dating pool is limited to people your parents know. My girlfriend comes from a quite different background to me, and I think that's a good thing, to broaden your horizons.


A bit of a generalisation with muslims, i'm muslim too and arranged marriages are unheard of where i come from. This form of marriage seems to be popular with the Asian community.
Original post by Engineer2015
A bit of a generalisation with muslims, i'm muslim too and arranged marriages are unheard of where i come from. This form of marriage seems to be popular with the Asian community.


To be clear, I'm just talking about some muslim people I know, not making a comment about how most muslims act, I know forced marriages are a problem and that arranged marriages exist, but I have no idea how many muslims this applies to. The people I'm referring to are British of South Asian heritage by the way. I would definitely say they're "integrated".
Original post by Engineer2015
"compatible" how do you know one is "compatible" by looking at them? since the parents are choosing the spouse, they must clearly have an issue with the selection process that evolves the child. Otherwise whats the point of the arranged marriage. If they are going to let you chose in the end, why not just look for one yourself.


By looking at their background, asking around etc.

Arranged marriage is optional. In islam, the kid can choose whoever they desire and don't need to ask the parents (although their permission is needed).
Original post by Secretnerd123
By looking at their background, asking around etc.

Arranged marriage is optional. In islam, the kid can choose whoever they desire and don't need to ask the parents (although their permission is needed).


Looking at their background? How would that really work, most people hide all the bad things they do, clever people don't tell anyone. You can never truly know who the person is unless you have known them. Asking around would give you people's opinion, but what about what the individual is like behind closed doors? who do you ask then?
Original post by Engineer2015
Looking at their background? How would that really work, most people hide all the bad things they do, clever people don't tell anyone. You can never truly know who the person is unless you have known them. Asking around would give you people's opinion, but what about what the individual is like behind closed doors? who do you ask then?


Get to know them better?
In my family it's more like the parents just introduce you to someone and whatever happens from there is your decision... So long as it's not haram obviously :tongue:

(unfortunately I think the relationship I have is probably going to fall into the haram category but hey my parents are cool with it)
Some of you white folk are a lot more narrow minded than you think. Arranged marriages are probably one of the most thorough and solidifying methods of finding a spouse. If the guy and girl in question click on meeting each other and find each other's personalities compatible then both families get involved and provide some sort of relationship security through their involvement.
One of the great benefits of getting an arranged marriage is usually two people are put together based on them having equally desirable characteristics and that usually helps the longevity of the relationship, even things such as female and male disparity in mortality is considered where the women are usually slightly younger.

Western/ love marriages are usually based on emotional decisions made by people younger than 35 and occasionally you end up seeing the odd mismatch. The idea of being romantically involved with multiple people before you find your true soulmate also means there's plenty of space for mixing casual with serious relationships. While there may be some benefits most are overrated as many married couples realise the burden of expectation from a "love" marriage are almost impossible to live upto, on the otherhand the unknown of a arranged marriage leaves some space to breath, find your feet and adjust your expectations for a realistic future which almost always involves some level of compromise regardless of how much 2 people love each other.
(edited 10 years ago)

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