Issue with a clingy flatmate

Hello, I am going to uni of Northampton in September and I have joined the group on Facebook to find flatmates, make friends etc. One lad who is my flatmate is really clingy via Facebook, he keeps messaging me when I tell him I'm busy. He does not give me personal space, what shall I do?

Is it possible that he could leave the flat? I get on really well with the girls, if I have to leave I will but I would rather stay and have him go, like he isn't doing a similar course?

He is 24 so I'm scared to tell him how I feel as I'm only 18, age gap kinda intimidates me. He was nice at first it's just out of hand now

Thanks :smile:

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 1

Puddles the Monkey

Original post by sim-7

I'm going to pop this in relationships as I think you'll get more replies there. :smile:

Reply 2

Tom78

Original post by sim-7

I live in Northampton. I haven't got any advice, just thought I'd say hello. haha :tongue:

Reply 3

BlueSheep32

Hey OP, I was in a sort of similar situation when I started uni. Once my place in accommodation was confirmed, I went on the halls Facebook group and found all of my flatmates, and added them as friends. I talked to them all individually, but one of them in particular kept starting conversations with me if he saw I was online. I didn't mind so much as he seemed nice but I did find it a bit weird when he seemed to be agreeing with most of what I said, but I wanted to get on with the people in my flat so I didn't think too much of it. When I moved in he seemed nice again, so I hung round with him for a couple of days, but he did start to get a bit clingy and I felt like I never had any time to myself in fresher's week because he would just come into my room when I had the door propped open and talk, and if my door was shut he'd knock on it and not knowing who it was, I'd just tell him to come in. I made some other friends outside of our flat and started spending time with them and I'd get texts from him asking where I was if I wasn't in the flat. I twigged that he had a crush on me and tried to subtly hint that I wasn't interested and felt he was being clingy, but he didn't pick up on it and asked if I saw him as more than a friend not long after...I didn't fancy him and was upfront about it, after which we barely spoke for the rest of the year. It was a shame because he was a genuinely nice person, but he didn't handle the situation very well.

If you get on with the other people in the flat there's no point in leaving it just for the sake of one person. Who you live with in first year isn't the be all and end all - it's nice to get on with your flatmates and most people do, and a lot end up living with them later on, but remember you haven't chosen to live with these people and it's the luck of the draw and unfortunately he just happens to be in your flat and making you uncomfortable. You need to talk to him about it if it's making you feel so uncomfortable you'd consider leaving this flat, just tell him you think he seems nice and everything but you feel like he isn't giving you any space and you'd like him to - be honest because he might not pick up on subtlety. If he does make you uncomfortable when you move in with him, talk to accommodation services about it and see if they can talk to him too. Don't be intimidated by the age gap either because not everyone at uni is the same age as you - you'll meet quite a few people who are older. Like I said, if you get on with the others in the flat, you shouldn't have to leave just because of him, but he might have trouble with detecting boundaries and you need to make it clear that he's overstepping them when it comes to communicating with you.

Don't let this have an effect on your first year of university - sort it out now before it starts to bother you even more. Good luck :smile:

Reply 4

doodle_333

you havent even met the guy yet! he might just be nervous or a bit awkward, someone being a little clingy isn't a reason to move rooms when your other flatmates seem fine there are much worse things...

Reply 5

Binary Freak

Original post by sim-7

You could consider blocking him, he'll probably get over it eventually, or just confront him and tell him that he shouldn't be clingy. :smile:

Original post by Tom78

I live in Northampton. I haven't got any advice, just thought I'd say hello. haha :tongue:

I used to live in Northampton, quite a bad place I think :\

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 6

Trottoir

Why don't you wait till you meet him in person ?

I think taking action based on his online behavior is a bit much.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 7

Jack93o

I've always thought joining these pre-uni facebook groups could be a bit awkward. People start forming opinions of you based only on your facebook profile which could give a misleading impression of you to them, and it can be a bit awkward to correct that when you actually meet them in person. But I suppose its a quick and easy way to get to know people, so fair do's.

Reply 8

stargirl63

can't you just not reply and not read his message so it doesn't show as "read"? You don't know how he is in real life, so give him the benefit of the doubt. he is probably just nervous that he is starting uni being the oldest, so he's trying to make friends.

Reply 9

Tom78

Original post by Binary Freak

You could consider blocking him, he'll probably get over it eventually, or just confront him and tell him that he shouldn't be clingy. :smile:

I used to live in Northampton, quite a bad place I think :\

The county's very nice just the town centre's a bit worse for wear.

Reply 10

Binary Freak

Original post by Tom78

The county's very nice just the town centre's a bit worse for wear.

Yeah the town centre has always been bad, can't believe they even bothered with building a new bus station, I heard that was a failure at first. I'm glad I don't visit often, my dad lives down there at the moment so I still have a few family members in Northampton

Reply 11

little_wizard123

Original post by Binary Freak

You could consider blocking him, he'll probably get over it eventually, or just confront him and tell him that he shouldn't be clingy. :smile:

Blocking someone you're haven't met yet and will live with for a year is just going to make things worse and incredibly awkward. I'd think the girl is a bit of bitch if she did that without speaking to me first, in all honesty.

Reply 12

Binary Freak

Original post by little_wizard123

It's likely he'll become even more clingy, and even more annoying. They probably wont even live with each other for a year. The OP has already thought of moving out if it becomes even more creepy.

Reply 13

Katie_p

Just don't reply to his messages as often?
He's probably nervous about Uni and pleased to have found someone he clearly feels he will get on with. If you're busy, don't read the message until you have time to reply, and he won't see that you've "seen" it. Telling him you're busy isn't exactly saying "please don't message me" anyway, more like "don't expect an immediate response from me". Unless the messages themselves are creepy, I don't see what the problem is!

Reply 14

Tom78

Original post by Binary Freak

Nah I like the new bus station, the old one was aging and decrepit, the town will pick up in the next 10 years, just needs more money thrown at it. Regardless, I'm only here for the summer then I'm back to Uni in birmingham :tongue:

Reply 15

Binary Freak

Original post by Tom78

Ohh, I was only there for the first few weeks of it, that was when they had the massive issue with the buses. :smile:

Reply 16

username1118458

Original post by sim-7

He might just not realise that he's annoying you, just tell him nicely that he keeps messaging too much and to tone it down a bit. Clingy people usually don't realise they're being clingy, and they're just trying to be friendly is all.

It's a bit rude don't you think to want him to be kicked out when firstly you haven't even met him, secondly he has every right to be in the same flat as you and even if he is clingy he's only trying to be nice. Once you tell him I'm sure he'll understand and try to be less clingy. I don't mean to be rude but you sound like those bitchy girls who seem to not get along with any guys - I'm sure you're not but that's what it's coming across like when you say that.

As for the age gap, at uni they'll be plenty of people who are much older, some even in their 30's so you should just get used to it. He's only 5/6 years older anyway, you probably won't notice and the age difference that intimidates you is something in your head which you should try to get over.

Reply 17

SophieSmall

Being a bit over the top there aren't you OP? Trying to find a way to get him to move out over something so trivial.
If you don't want to talk to him just don't reply and set his chat to offline so he can't see when you're online.
Not going to comment on the age gap that's just something you need to get over.