Boyfriend hit, bit, choked, kicked and cursed..

.. at my friend after he found out she had gone out to meet a guy friend. Now she's asked for his apology and he has 'forgiven' her. And now they're back together..
I don't understand how she can possibly take him back AND apologise to him even though she had done nothing wrong. Someone pls fill me in or help me to help her see that he's not right for her. I told her she would ind someone better but now she got back with that guy anyway..
Any advice?

Reply 1

zav

14

Nothing you can do its up to her. Just be supportive and sometimes slip in the odd hint but be honest about how you feel.

Reply 2

username47781

20

That's awful what the boyfriend did, maybe your mate is scared of leaving him, maybe she has low self esteem, maybe she depends on him to make her feel secure, but whichever, her b/f sounds a nasty piece of work and a control freak

Reply 3

Smokyjoe123

woeful_infatuation

.. at my friend after he found out she had gone out to meet a guy friend. Now she's asked for his apology and he has 'forgiven' her. And now they're back together..
I don't understand how she can possibly take him back AND apologise to him even though she had done nothing wrong. Someone pls fill me in or help me to help her see that he's not right for her. I told her she would ind someone better but now she got back with that guy anyway..
Any advice?

he's not a wolf by any chance is he?

seriously though, you can advise your friend but she has to make the decision.

Reply 4

la fille danse

17

Is anybody else dreading the comments that will inevitably come about how this guy is really not so bad, and this isn't abuse, and she should forgive him?

Reply 5

woeful_infatuation

OP

2

The problem (I think) is that she DID forgive him, because she said she can't live without him (they've been together for 1 yr). she was so scared of him afterwards that she left her house and went to her mum's friend. BTW. he also stole her handphone,called up the guy she met the day before and left a pretty scary msg on his answering-machine.
Anyway, so then her boyfriendkept calling me asking me to 'fix things'. i dont know what he expected me to do but I wasn't very successful in talking her out of going back to him. I just don't want her to get hurt any more!!!

Reply 6

zav

14

I understand you are worried as any good friend would be. I feel though we are missing something here? Why was he so angry about this guy? Is he just very over the top and well a prick or was there some history or reason he reacted like this in regards to that specific guy?

Either way its not acceptable but i just feel there is something odd about it.

Reply 7

woeful_infatuation

OP

2

all i know is that she went to dinner with the guy and the following day went back to his house (he lives with his parents) to watch movies.. he found out about it and i guess that's why he did it. Then he msg me saying how much he loved her and that he just wanted her to be happy and if i could 'fix things' (that was before i found out he had hit her).
so i guess he did it out of jealousy?

Reply 8

cavronne

i had a friend once in a relationship like that, and she broke up with him after ages of feeling guilty. she just got sick of it one day.
i wish i'd told her more often what a sleaze bag he was so that she'd dump him sooner.
You should tell her that -for her own good- she needs to end things with him. point out to her that she CAN live without him, in fact she'll live BETTER without him, seeing as she was perfectly happy (i assume) before he came along. i'm thinking maybe she's only happy with him because he's comfortable. she's gotten used to his being around and feels safe having a boyfriend, and maybe his "intenseness" makes her believe he loves her very strongly. the truth is with guys like that, they can't really love anyone else until they fix themselves up (and he doesn't sound fixed up). he's going to "love" her because of the image she sends back to him. He feels safe in having her as his girlfriend, and powerful in asserting his muscles.
Yours is a tough position to be in. just keep telling her that no one in a healthy relationship should feel the need to abuse others like that. he's insecure and needs "the power rush", but he won't do her any good. and then (as others have said) it's up to her to get sick of it quickly.
just remember that when she does decide he's hurting her, she's going to keep wanting to go back to him, so your job will be to keep her busy and find her self-esteem again. oh yeah, and i'm guessing he won't be very happy with you for telling her to dump him. he might ask her to choose between you and him, or he might say you're trying to manipulate her, and that you wouldn't understand their relationship. just be ready for those kinds of things.

Reply 9

MMA

10

He could not have beat her that badly if she has already forgiven him and got back together with him. Is the first time that he has hit her in a year? I'm sure we are only hearing one side of the story here.

He bit her?... odd

Abusive relationships can be very hard to get out of. It's a downward slope and people in them actually believe that they are to blame. If they had been 'good' then he wouldn't have flown off the handle. Because of this their self esteem plummets. Once that happens it's near impossible to leave.

My advice to you is to take her out, make her laugh and make her enjoy your time together. Give her a break and a breather from this guy. Perhaps showing her websites for people who have suffered domestic abuse might wake her up to it, but unfortunately it is going to something big to make her realise it is wrong, so just be there for her until then.

Reply 12

zav

14

MMA

He could not have beat her that badly if she has already forgiven him and got back together with him. Is the first time that he has hit her in a year? I'm sure we are only hearing one side of the story here.

I agree i still think either we or maybe you are missing something from the story.

She went on what could be seen as a date then went round his house snuggled up and watched films and did what?

I dunno im not a very jelious person so if something happened like that i would just think she's not worth it maybe he deals differently with it? Not saying its acceptable to do that at all.

Reply 13

username47781

20

BlackHawk

Abusive relationships can be very hard to get out of. It's a downward slope and people in them actually believe that they are to blame. If they had been 'good' then he wouldn't have flown off the handle. Because of this their self esteem plummets. Once that happens it's near impossible to leave.

My advice to you is to take her out, make her laugh and make her enjoy your time together. Give her a break and a breather from this guy. Perhaps showing her websites for people who have suffered domestic abuse might wake her up to it, but unfortunately it is going to something big to make her realise it is wrong, so just be there for her until then.

Problem is if hes the control freak hes being made out to be when she gets back and her b/f says where you been he might go mental again and because she has forgiven him hes gonna think its ok to hit her again, if i was her i'd get out now but then thats easier said than done.

Reply 14

la fille danse

17

MMA

He could not have beat her that badly if she has already forgiven him and got back together with him. Is the first time that he has hit her in a year? I'm sure we are only hearing one side of the story here.

And here we go...

Reply 15

woeful_infatuation

OP

2

Biffy Clyro

He bit her?... odd

Yes he bit her and kicked her from the door so she flew across the room. And please don't ask how I know this because she would never lie to me and i saw how upset she was and the wounds.

Reply 16

MMA

10

zav

I agree i still think either we or maybe you are missing something from the story.

She went on what could be seen as a date then went round his house snuggled up and watched films and did what?

I dunno im not a very jelious person so if something happened like that i would just think she's not worth it maybe he deals differently with it? Not saying its acceptable to do that at all.

Yes I think we should hear the whole story as it does sound very strange. What the hell was she doing going on a date with this friend and then going back to his house the next day? That is not acceptable.

Reply 17

username47781

20

Did anything actually happen with this other guy while she was out with him?

Reply 18

zav

14

I think she obviously was not honest with him on what she was going and i can understand him being angry but not physically hitting her. Maybe she feels bad for what she has done but has not told you hence she forgave him. Wrong way to deal with it but seems likely.

But OP there is nothing you can do but be supportive to her and hope she sees the error she has made.