Was I raped???

So I drank A LOT (at least a litre) and my "friend's" friends put me on a bus and I vaguely remember like talking to everyone on the bus and I met this guy (he was completely sober) and I told him where I lived and he still took me to his apartment. I remember telling him to put on a condom cause I was not about to get pregnant or an STI just because I was drunk. He would stop every so often to "cuddle" and I just remember waking feeling like complete **** and seeing like 3 full condoms on the floor. He wanted to do it "again" in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried and again I told him to put the condom on;. He wasn't like violent though but he was a complete stranger and was like a decade older than me (he knew my age). He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything. I feel like I couldn't push him away though because I was smoking his cigarettes and staying at his house so it was essentially my fault for getting that drunk in the first place. And I dont even know if I was up for it or not but most likely not since I didnt even want to do it with my boyfriend when I was sober. He didnt really "force force" me so honestly I'm so confused right now, I literally just got home. I don't THINK I was raped because I dont remember much and it wasn't exactly traumatising like the first time it happened (I was younger). I just feel so dirty and I feel like it was my fault cause I didnt really stop stop him and I didnt go home when I should have and continued to go to his apartment so I did have some sort of control in which direction it could have gone in. I feel sick but I think that is just cause I'm hungover.

Should I just pretend it didnt happen and move on? One of those drunken mistakes things.

Yes you was raped. The reason why you put a condom on was to aviod being pregnant from a guy you barely know.

If you are having sex and you say no and the other person refuses, it doesn't matter what is happening or going on at the time, then yes that it rape because it is non-consensual sex.

People don't see it as rape are mostly ignorant because she asked to put a condom on but she was actually responsible for not risking to catch an STI or get pregnant.

So I drank A LOT (at least a litre) and my "friend's" friends put me on a bus and I vaguely remember like talking to everyone on the bus and I met this guy (he was completely sober) and I told him where I lived and he still took me to his apartment. I remember telling him to put on a condom cause I was not about to get pregnant or an STI just because I was drunk. He would stop every so often to "cuddle" and I just remember waking feeling like complete **** and seeing like 3 full condoms on the floor. He wanted to do it "again" in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried and again I told him to put the condom on;. He wasn't like violent though but he was a complete stranger and was like a decade older than me (he knew my age). He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything. I feel like I couldn't push him away though because I was smoking his cigarettes and staying at his house so it was essentially my fault for getting that drunk in the first place. And I dont even know if I was up for it or not but most likely not since I didnt even want to do it with my boyfriend when I was sober. He didnt really "force force" me so honestly I'm so confused right now, I literally just got home. I don't THINK I was raped because I dont remember much and it wasn't exactly traumatising like the first time it happened (I was younger). I just feel so dirty and I feel like it was my fault cause I didnt really stop stop him and I didnt go home when I should have and continued to go to his apartment so I did have some sort of control in which direction it could have gone in. I feel sick but I think that is just cause I'm hungover.

Should I just pretend it didnt happen and move on? One of those drunken mistakes things.

To not get raped?

That said though, I don't think this sounds like rape to me. My take away was you got to his apartment and asked him to put a condom on, sex ensued. You woke up in the morning and he wanted to sleep with you again but you refused repeatedly but he kept trying until you eventually told him to put a condom on again. This to me sounds more like he coerced you rather than forced you. He eventually wore you down to where you gave consent by requesting he wear a condom. Not saying it's okay for a man to do that, but it's not rape in my opinion.

x

If OP got raped, she should go to the police.
Im getting tired of people who cant handle their drink, then do regretful things and claim they had no control.
Simple solution dont drink like an idiot. Problem solved.
Although, im about to get attacked with "Thats not the point; she should be able to do what she wants; he creepily treated her inappropriately":
All because OP thought it would be clever to down a liter of alcohol.
Preventable or not, this would not have happened if OP did not down alcohol which she could not properly handle + being in the care of people who are not even close to her ("friends" friend). So....OP somewhat put herself in that situation.

If she was raped, she can go to the police and seek justice.

Im talking about this situation, so incase you get overexcited and you are about to post generic rape information, I understand there are situations where the violated have no control over what they can do, due to manipulation + potentially worse.

snip

okay so me asking to put the condom means that I technically consented?

They don't deserve to get murdered, but like it or not, there's probably gonna be an extra hole somewhere on them.

She also drank a considerably large amount of alcohol, which diminishes a lot of OPs character and responsibility. If you cant handle your drink. Dont.

If OP wasnt drinking/drunk, she has a valid case (semi) although she was drinking alcohol, she claims she was drunk, yer remembers clear details,

Most importantly:
WHAT DID SHE SAY TO THE ALLEGED IN THE BUS TO LEAD HIM TO TAKE HER TO HIS HOME?

If the alleged approached OP, OP can go to the police and use that as evidence supporting her case. If it was the other way around...well.. whoes to blame then?

If she was raped, she should go to the police. There should be no argument against this really.

He's an arse (or more, I wasn't there, I don't know the full situation), no question.

Enter hypothetical man. Had a bit to drink, but not visibly stumbling/puking drunk. Kissing, talking, etc etc, ends up at home with a girl. Maybe she had a bit to drink earlier, but she doesn't seem drunk now, able to walk/talk fine, etc.

He's sexually inexperienced and drunk, as a result, he thinks it's her first time and it's just the pain that's making her cry (though he stops until he's sure she's ok before continuing). Maybe he's a bit over-persistent, but while that's not a particularly nice character trait, it doesn't equal sexual assault.

There you go. Not saying that's how it happened, but that's one possible explanation that wouldn't be rape (at least, I don't think so?) based on the limited information given.

I agree.

But it's strange how most people are focusing on criticising the OP (the victim) without criticising the actual perpetrator, whilst simultaneously stating that the OP is not at fault.

1. "Although it is men who perpetrate rape, it is women who are urged to modify their behaviour by abstaining or drinking less, and thus accommodate the danger posed by predatory men."

thisisnotaninvitationtorapeme.co.uk/drinking



2. Never having drunk more than a fraction of a glass of wine etc in any one day, I can only speak from talking to and being with people who've had much more. But it's clear that many drunk people fade into and out of consciousness. They remain drunk, lacking capacity, but will remember some things but not others.

Here, there's a mention of the start of one rape in the middle of the night:

"I remember telling him to put on a condom cause I was not about to get pregnant or an STI just because I was drunk."

.. but when she woke, there were

"like 3 full condoms on the floor."



3. It is one of the least important bits of the story. What she probably did was just 'be very drunk while in possession of a vagina' which made him think 'victim!!'

I hope you have a big badge on: IF YOU APPROACH ME, I WILL TREAT THAT AS CONSENT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

She opened her legs out to him, it's like putting a 1000 pounds on the ground in front of a thief, walking away and expecting it to be when you get back. Yeah the thief is at fault but you gave him an opportunity that he can't resist, of course he's a knob for stealing the money but equally putting the money there in the first place is stupid.

Overall this just sounds like a typical case of 'Oh I was too drunk + I had sex + I now regret it = Rape', if OP is mature enough to have get wasted and have casual sex with strangers, she's mature enough to deal with the consequences.

Never having been raped, I can't be completely certain as to what I'd do and I am not going to tell anyone that they "should" get the police involved, "no argument". Especially in the context of a space where we have a pile of £$%&'s going 'it wasn't rape' / 'you deserved it' / 'I wouldn't convict'.

It'd be good if she did report it somehow - various groups will help - because it's unlikely that this is the first time he's done this, but if she chooses not to put herself through a long process with no guarantee of seeing him convicted at the end of it, then that's her decision and telling her that it's wrong is not helping her.

"it is women who are urged to modify their behaviour by abstaining or drinking less" Have you seen how most women act when they are drunk?

Im making an accusation from experience, I guarantee this point will be nitpicked as a general accusation, but from what is gathered by the information OP provided, I doubt OP was keeping to her self on the bus. She does not say how she initiated conversation with the alleged rapist.
Again, OP is apparently of legal age to drink, THEREFORE no matter what the gender, they should both be responsible how however much they consume.

2. Again, all of these side effects are from too much alcohol consumption. If OP is the legal age she should be responsible for how much she consumes, not the strangers around her.

3. How is that the least important part of the story? Surely what happened to make her go to his house is a vital part of the story, which is massively obscured. OP does not say the drunk person approached her.

While men get raped, it's women who are the primary victims so it doesn't surprise me that a site designed to reduce rape could be seen to be biased in favour of women.



I've seen drunk people, yes. Regardless of their gender, they're not people I want to be particularly near, never mind be sexual with.



She doesn't say she initiated it - "I vaguely remember like talking to everyone on the bus" is not enough to be sure - but whether or not she did being drunk on a bus and talking to people is not consent to having a penis put in you.



No, they should responsible for not sticking their penis in a very drunk woman who clearly did not want to have sex with them.



Congratulations! You win the Alan Dershowitz award! When he was attempting to defend Mike Tyson against a charge of rape, his line was that the victim "knew the rules" when she went to his room.

Nope, as the jury in that case agreed, going to someone's house is not consent to having a penis put in you.

Why did she go to his house? Probably - and again there's not enough to be sure - because she couldn't get to where she wanted to go, home, without help and he was more interested in repeatedly sticking his penis in her without any possible witnesses to allow that.

Based on what's been said, do you think any of it was rape, including in the morning?

"He wanted to do it 'again' in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried ... He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything."

Of couse I would be liable because it was my decision to do those 5 lines of coke before trying to rob a bank.

But that's irrelevant: before sticking your penis in someone you need a reasonable belief in their consent, whether they're sober, drunk or high.

Them asking you to put a condom on first is not grounds for a reasonable belief if you've made it clear that you're going to do it even though they've repeatedly said they didn't want you to do it and cry when you do. It might get you a lower sentence (ejaculating in the complainant is an aggravating matter when it comes to sentencing someone for rape) but that's about it.

Again, you are blaming the alleged rapist for OPs actions.

OP clearly consented and is feeling regrets by leaving out/obscuring parts of her story).

In the US men are more likely to get raped.

Also here are the UK statistics .. It clearly shows a larger amount for women, but I stick to my previous point that men are FAR less likely to come forward about being raped than a women, due to being ridiculed by society, its not a "thing", its a fact, which has been caused by the media and society.

When OP went to his house did she think they would be baking cookies?

Why is it irrelevant? It just looks like your looking over the point to try and make your own. How do we know the alleged rapist was fully sober?

If OP said she didnt want to do it, and was crying, alleged rapist would have been more likely to kill her than let her go.

1. No, I'm blaming him for his actions, not her for his.



Rashōmon is an example of the way that we can never know the whole truth about what happened from one person, but I completely fail to see how anyone could say from what's been presented that she 'clearly consented'.

Let's repeat it once more: "He wanted to do it 'again' in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried ... He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything."



2. And the peer-reviewed evidence for that is...?

3. Given there are about nine times more men interested in sex with women than are interested in sex with other men, it would be extremely surprising.



4. True, but even in anonymous surveys like the British Crime Survey, it simply doesn't show anything like a similar frequency. Ditto the numbers in the (anonymous) Gay Men's Sex Surveys when they've asked about coerced sex.



5. Stop digging.