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After 10 years together.. boyfriend tells me he is gay/bi

Hi all,

So me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years and have 2 young kids, we are both almost 30 now. I was clearing out his work bag and found some "letters" from some bloke saying things like "was great spending time with you, and that he loves him e.t.c"

I questioned him straight away and he came clean and said he is gay (or bi) and has been too ashamed to tell anyone.. He has been having a secret fling with this bloke (who is gay I believe).

What the hell do i do now? He says he can't see himself being with a man in a relationship sense and he wants to be with me and the kids. He said he made a mistake, but 1. he cheated and 2. He may do this again?

Any advice?

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Might sound harsh, but I personally have zero respect for people who do this. It's one thing hiding your sexuality, but to hide it for a decade, get married and have kids is borderline ****ed. I know it's not easy for some people to come out, but damn it's 2016 now. The LGBT community are more accepted than ever. Unless you're living in a country where homosexuality is illegal or you're from a culture that strongly disagrees, why hide it?

(Phone posted before I finished typing)

You need to be serious and assertive with him. Let him understand that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him if he's going to cheat behind your back. No matter what your sexuality is cheating is wrong full stop. Being bisexual is no excuse either. You deserve someone honest. An empty shell marriage is good for nobody. Would you rather lie to your kids about your marriage or separate and co parent respectively?
(edited 8 years ago)
Reply 2
Avatar for Anonymous #1
Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by Novascope
Might sound harsh, but I personally have zero respect for people who do this. It's one thing hiding your sexuality, but to hide it for a decade, get married and have kids is borderline ****ed. I know it's not easy for some people to come out, but damn it's 2016 now. The LGBT community are more accepted than ever. Unless you're living in a country where homosexuality is illegal or you're from a culture that strongly disagrees, why hide it?

(Phone posted before I finished typing)

You need to be serious and assertive with him. Let him understand that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him if he's going to cheat behind your back. No matter what your sexuality is cheating is wrong full stop. Being bisexual is no excuse either. You deserve someone honest. An empty shell marriage is good for nobody. Would you rather lie to your kids about your marriage or separate and co parent respectively?


Very true... I thought I should stay for the kids sake, but it's no good is it?
Stay for the kids sake


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I'd be fuming
Original post by Anonymous
Hi all,

So me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years and have 2 young kids, we are both almost 30 now. I was clearing out his work bag and found some "letters" from some bloke saying things like "was great spending time with you, and that he loves him e.t.c"

I questioned him straight away and he came clean and said he is gay (or bi) and has been too ashamed to tell anyone.. He has been having a secret fling with this bloke (who is gay I believe).

What the hell do i do now? He says he can't see himself being with a man in a relationship sense and he wants to be with me and the kids. He said he made a mistake, but 1. he cheated and 2. He may do this again?

Any advice?


You tell him to take a hike sister.

Also get down to the GUM clinic and get yourself checked out
Staying for the kids sake is the worst plan, because they then grow up with no idea of what a happy, functional relationship looks like and will hate both of you for it. Leave him because you can never trust him not to cheat. Also he seems to be afraid of his feelings and wants to hide behind this family, so leaving will also help him figure out who he wants and give both of you a chance to find happiness
Reply 7
Avatar for Stk1010
Stk1010
2
Damn! This is an incredibly difficult and complex situation. You must be feeling every emotion under the sun. I'm so sorry this happened to you!

I can't imagine you're able to think straight at this point in time, and it's important not to make a rash decision based on your initial thoughts and emotions.

I don't want to offer my advice because frankly I just don't know what I'd do in that situation. Perhaps see a psychiatrist?

Either way I hope you can come to a happy outcome.


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no one can tell you what to do about a relationship of 10 years, it's got to be your decision whether it's worth the risk of staying together or whether the trust is irreparably broken but don't stay together 'for the kids', kids can tell when a marriage is unhappy and to be honest it probably just means they put up with a few years of arguing and an unhappy mother before coping with a divorce anyway
Original post by Anonymous
Hi all,

So me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years and have 2 young kids, we are both almost 30 now. I was clearing out his work bag and found some "letters" from some bloke saying things like "was great spending time with you, and that he loves him e.t.c"

I questioned him straight away and he came clean and said he is gay (or bi) and has been too ashamed to tell anyone.. He has been having a secret fling with this bloke (who is gay I believe).

What the hell do i do now? He says he can't see himself being with a man in a relationship sense and he wants to be with me and the kids. He said he made a mistake, but 1. he cheated and 2. He may do this again?

Any advice?


I wouldn't take that as he should of told you as soon as he met you keeping this secret is massive thing and it's not something that you can't ignore
Bottom line is he cheated on you.

And you should never stay with someone for 'the sake of the kids'. It is not a good idea. It shows a much better example to the kids to break up than stay in a disfunctional relationship; the kids will be able to tell that it isn't working great and they won't have an example of a good relationship which is important.
Original post by Anonymous
What the hell do i do now? He says he can't see himself being with a man in a relationship sense and he wants to be with me and the kids. He said he made a mistake, but 1. he cheated and 2. He may do this again?

Any advice?


What do you want to do?

You're obviously not the first person this has happened to - Have a read of The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families by Amity Pierce Buxton. (I can see one copy for about £2.50 + postage on Amazon... and I see she's got another one on the same issues.)

If you want to continue, you need to sort out some rules with him - what those are depend on you both - and have enough trust that they will be stuck to.
Original post by Novascope
Might sound harsh, but I personally have zero respect for people who do this. It's one thing hiding your sexuality, but to hide it for a decade, get married and have kids is borderline ****ed. I know it's not easy for some people to come out, but damn it's 2016 now. The LGBT community are more accepted than ever. Unless you're living in a country where homosexuality is illegal or you're from a culture that strongly disagrees, why hide it?


To be fair it is very easy to say this if you're straight. Maybe he grew up around a lot of homophobia and feels ashamed. Could be a number of reasons.
Reply 13
Avatar for ~Tara~
~Tara~
16
If you love him, it might be worth seeking out couples counselling. It's not about encouraging you to stay together but through the sessions for you both to realise what you want; whether that is to work together to stay together or knowing this can't be gotten past.

We all have our own opinions but we're not the ones with the children and the partner who loves us but is struggling. Some people manage to make an open relationship work. Because they love each other on a level beyond needing sex. If you have that, staying together wouldn't have to be something that damaged the children.

Staying for sake of the children means letting go of resentments and mistrust. You'd have to to keep a healthy environment but to accept the situation etc you'd need help and couples counselling really helps with that
Original post by Wilfred Little
To be fair it is very easy to say this if you're straight. Maybe he grew up around a lot of homophobia and feels ashamed. Could be a number of reasons.


But TEN years in hiding? Come on now...
Reply 15
Avatar for ~Tara~
~Tara~
16
He probably never would have come out if she hadn't found the letters. People go their whole lives hiding secrets like this because they feel ashamed.
Original post by Novascope
But TEN years in hiding? Come on now...


Yes. I can't speak for OP's boyfriend but just because gay/bi people are more accepted now that doesn't mean it is always easy for people to accept who they are.
Ignore the comments from people on here who don't have kids and who've never been in a long term relationship. Seek advice from a marriage counselor
So I have just asked him "do you love this guy"

The answer was " I am so ashamed to say but yes I do, but I don't want to be with him in a relationship capacity"
Original post by Anonymous
So I have just asked him "do you love this guy"

The answer was " I am so ashamed to say but yes I do, but I don't want to be with him in a relationship capacity"


Honesty.

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