After 10 years together.. boyfriend tells me he is gay/bi

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So I have just asked him "do you love this guy"

The answer was " I am so ashamed to say but yes I do, but I don't want to be with him in a relationship capacity"

Ask yourself this OP - if it was a woman he had been cheating with would you want to stay with him? It shouldnt matter that it is a man.

Obviously it would be a huge thing to end the relationship and would have to be done very delicately due to the children, but do you really want to stay with someone who wants someone else more than you? I certainly wouldnt. And i repeat once again, staying with someone for the sake of the children is more harmful on them than breaking up in a mature way.

Reply 21

unprinted

Original post by Novascope

But TEN years in hiding? Come on now...

Once you've started a relationship with a secret - assuming he realised the level of his attraction to other men then - the longer it goes on, the harder it can be to come out to your partner about it, especially if there's been no negotiation about what's ok and what isn't at the start / throughout.

Reply 22

unprinted

Original post by Anonymous

So I have just asked him "do you love this guy"

The answer was " I am so ashamed to say but yes I do, but I don't want to be with him in a relationship capacity"

And are you happy with that?

Some people go 'it's ok as long as they're a different gender to me', some go 'it's ok as long as they're the same gender as me', some go 'it's not ok'.

Some people go 'it's ok if I meet them', some go 'it's ok if I don't meet them', some go 'there shouldn't be a "them"'.

Some people go 'it's ok if I am told what happens', some go 'it's ok if I don't know what happens', some go 'there shouldn't be a "them"' (again).

Etc etc etc.

Reply 23

themitten

I would be out the door so fast as far as the relationship goes. He may be a great father and you will have to work out something for the children that keeps you both actively parenting, but he should have made himself single and available before experimenting with other people. So what if he's bi or gay? So what if he's found out he doesn't want a long term relationship with this guy? Does that mean he gets to keep his foot in the door of his long term relationship with you? Does that mean it's fair to keep you on the back burner while he works out who he is and what he wants? There is absolutely nothing wrong with whatever sexuality anyone has, as long as you are being respectful and not hurting anyone, but it seems like he is doing all of this at yours and your young family's emotional risk and selfishly trying to keep all of his options open. At nearly 30 he should be more sensible as regards his behaviour. I would be angry and hurt but maybe you can find a way to be understanding with him about the struggles he may be facing but to also have that firmness in your self respect that lets you say that you expect a higher level of loyalty and honesty from a partner, and that you'll have to find that it with someone else, whilst remaining friends for the children and getting together for days out and christmases and such. (I'm 25, my husband's 27, we have a nearly 7 year old daughter).

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 24

Moonstruck16

He cheated on you, it is up to you how you handle that. Find out why.

If neither of you are happy don't stay for the sake of the kids. If he isn't happy with you, regardless of how sorry he says he is, he will probably cheat on you again. And if he is gay, this will probably eat him up so badly that one day it will crack.

Another thing about 'doing it for the kids'. If they find out about this, this will probably end up teaching them that supressing themselves for an 'easier', more conventional life is ok. If they are gay/bi/whatever and hide it like your boyfriend did, this whole cycle is likely to happen again to them.

He cheated on you, that is for you and your boyfriend to resolve. But the issue of his sexuality is something that he alone will probably have to sort out.

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Reply 25

Anonymous #1

Update:

I said I needed space and time and asked could he stay with his parents for a few days.. He text me and said, I'll be honest with you I am over his house.. I was too ashamed to go to my parents

Isn't that a massive slap in the face?

Reply 26

Anonymous #1

Original post by LeighUno

It's inevitable that would happen, 99 percent of the time if someone is cheating they will always settle for the person they are cheating with if their partner leaves. I feel so sorry for you, you should as him what he wants and what he's thinking. I can only advise I've never been in your position before.

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Thank you

Reply 27

Kamsarju

Get full blood screen\swabs for STIs ...please.

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Reply 28

username155270

Original post by Anonymous

I'm pissed off and I'm not even in this situation.

I guess he's afraid to be judged by friends and family with being seperated. Could he not afford to stay at a cheap hotel? That would've been more respectful to you.

Reply 29

unprinted

Original post by Anonymous

I said I needed space and time and asked could he stay with his parents for a few days.. He text me and said, I'll be honest with you I am over his house.. I was too ashamed to go to my parents

Isn't that a massive slap in the face?

Not necessarily, but to quote a late princess there are clearly three people in this relationship and there needs to be some serious talking.

Reply 30

Anonymous #2

Nah, I was torn before watching this thread, but he's taking the mickey at the moment, and from my perspective it looks like he's relying on you taking him back for the kids sake or your own etc. He needs a reality check and the fact he's with him now shows that even if you take him back he won't stop seeing him. He loves him, and he's gay/bi. Honestly, I don't see your relationship being functional or any good for the kids even if you do take him back.
Sorry :frown:

Reply 31

kisaki

This must be really hard for you OP and I am sorry you have to face this :frown:

In terms of the relationship I would say it is not worth continuing. If your husband is in love with this other man, regardless of if he wants to be with him, then clearly your relationship is not working out. There is a clear betrayal of trust here with the lying and cheating over such a long period.
I would suggest your husband seeks counselling to help him deal with his sexuality as it sounds as if he is very ashamed and having a hard time dealing with it. I think it would help him, and in the long term also your two children, if he became more certain and comfortable with himself. It may also be worth the two of you attending some sessions together to help you work things out between you, gain an acceptance of the situation and learn to move on without too much blame and regret. If you can work towards being supportive of each other in your decisions and new lives it will be easier to co-parent. I am sure your children will grow up to understand - if the two of you have a mature split with no negativity and hate (or at least not in front of them) they will benefit much more that if you were to stay together unhappily. It is for the both of you and your children's sake that you should seek to be happy as possible in your future.

I hope all works out for you x

Reply 32

cherryred90s

Original post by Anonymous

Hi all,

So me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years and have 2 young kids, we are both almost 30 now. I was clearing out his work bag and found some "letters" from some bloke saying things like "was great spending time with you, and that he loves him e.t.c"

I questioned him straight away and he came clean and said he is gay (or bi) and has been too ashamed to tell anyone.. He has been having a secret fling with this bloke (who is gay I believe).

What the hell do i do now? He says he can't see himself being with a man in a relationship sense and he wants to be with me and the kids. He said he made a mistake, but 1. he cheated and 2. He may do this again?

Any advice?

If he's gay, how can he possibly be with you? :s-smilie:

Reply 33

Arkarian

Original post by Anonymous

So I have just asked him "do you love this guy"

The answer was " I am so ashamed to say but yes I do, but I don't want to be with him in a relationship capacity"

Edit: Oh but seriously, if he keeps running away then it is better you drop it. But still, my point still stands.

1. Stop asking people on the internet for help with relationship problems you will always get people who egg you to break up because of a single thing.

2. Some people used the argument "Don't let the kids see a dysfunctional relationship"
Speaking as someone who was unable to grow up with parents because of the situations surround me, I've always felt left out and not part of the family so I never developed any attachments to the people I was with.
People saying "Oh just leave him and show the kids what they should do" Are you really going to be the one who in a relationship; yes he may have cheated and I understand all the 'Oh no one should cheat', but has that stopped you loving him? You may question his loyalty to you but you still love him and for him to be honest means he still loves and trusts you. You can warn him about how the relationship is effecting your trust but leaving because of a slight problem in the relationship is something that happened to me literally yesterday because the girl wasn't sure where to go after a few dates so she thought something was wrong.
Your relationship should mean more than just to leave when something goes wrong, if he is willing to atone and do right by the kids then I see no reason why they should suffer because you had an emotional outburst and walked out the house or something.

3. Yes it is emotional and I guess that is why you are asking for help but the thing that breaks down relationships quickest is lack of communication, I had to deal with that growing up which made me feel even more left out of the people I lived with.

So as a child of a relationship that fell apart and who had to deal with people who I didn't know or think of as family growing up and as someone who just lost a relationship because of no fault of my own, I'm telling you to be an adult and communicate your intentions and feelings, be honest to him like he was to you. Say he hurt you and your trust and complain that it is no different no matter what orientation he is, but if you love your children and you still have some hope that the relationship hasn't gone sour then you shouldn't be the person to make the kids deal with your rash decisions based on a single emotion at a point in time.

Don't end up like my mum who regretted having to give me up because of forces out of her control.
And yes I may know her now but I didn't for like 17 years of my life and I don't have the ability to call anyone family.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 34

llys

If you can live together as friends, without being jealous of each other's outside flings, that would be the optimal solution for the kids I think. Depends how much you like him as a person. I would choose this option if he is a good father.

Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, nor is a sexual relationship the only type or only acceptable form of relationship. Think outside the box.