I don't get on with my flatmates. Is it my fault or theirs?
I have Asperger's Syndrome so after making some great friends at my old school, I always knew that socialising with new people in a completely new environment would be a challenge for me. In August after I was finally told my court, flat and room number for my 1st year, a group chat was formed where I got to know my flatmates for a bit there before meeting them.
So when we finally moved in, in September I thought it went as well as could be expected, although I never really felt like I clicked with any of them. I really made a point to try and socialise with them though. Some of them, to be precise one of the girls and the other guys, went upstairs and introduced themselves to the guys in the flat there. Those first few nights they always played loud drinking games like ring of fire, and I never enjoyed it or really got into it as much as the others but I stayed to make an effort, as tiresome as it was for me. They sometimes got a burger out in town and so I went with them for that, although I never went out with them on late nights, like clubbing and going into 3am, as I really don't enjoy them at all and I always had to be up early as well.
Although after a while I kind of stopped joining in with those drink games, I liked to try to hang out with them when I could. If we happened to be in the kitchen together I would sit with them or sometimes join in with board games.
The thing is though, is that only half of my flat have really been what I would call a "community", being the three I mentioned earlier. The other two girls have their own friends and generally isolate themselves from the rest of us. I myself have barely seen them. In fact, there's only ever been one occasion where all six of us have hung out together, and that was a meal we had at the uni pub one evening. I of course continued to try to fit in with the other three but I finally gave up when I overheard them talking about their house for next year, which the three of them were going to share with three from upstairs. By this time, it had all been sorted and signed for. It bugged me a little that they hadn't so much as even mentioned it to me.
To be honest I don't like to bother trying to socialise with them anymore because looking back I never felt I really clicked with them anyway and whatever happens now they're going into a house without me so I just don't see the point. The girl used to properly converse with me from time to time but that's stopped now. In fact now in mid-April, whenever any of them go in the kitchen when I'm there they literally just say "hello" and that's it, as if they don't know me. It's incredibly awkward for me to be around them and if I ever want to go in the kitchen for something and I hear them in there, I like to wait until they've gone before I go in.
I regularly FaceTime a very close friend from school who goes to another uni. Unlike mine, her entire flat are a really friendly community and just naturally all get on very well and have gotten quite close. I've not told her much about my flatmates because there's just nothing to tell, but we talk about hers a lot and so although I've only met them for a couple of minutes, and one not at all, I feel like I know her flatmates better than I know mine.
I've got my 2nd year accommodation sorted out which will have completely new flatmates and although I'm at a slight setback this time as they'll already know each other, I'll obviously try and start again with them and see how that goes.
It's not too much longer now until we all go home for Summer and so from then on I won't need to have anything to do with them again. But despite the other girls not really coming out much, is this all my fault, their fault or a bit of both? I just really don't know who's to blame for what has been a complete disaster for me.
So when we finally moved in, in September I thought it went as well as could be expected, although I never really felt like I clicked with any of them. I really made a point to try and socialise with them though. Some of them, to be precise one of the girls and the other guys, went upstairs and introduced themselves to the guys in the flat there. Those first few nights they always played loud drinking games like ring of fire, and I never enjoyed it or really got into it as much as the others but I stayed to make an effort, as tiresome as it was for me. They sometimes got a burger out in town and so I went with them for that, although I never went out with them on late nights, like clubbing and going into 3am, as I really don't enjoy them at all and I always had to be up early as well.
Although after a while I kind of stopped joining in with those drink games, I liked to try to hang out with them when I could. If we happened to be in the kitchen together I would sit with them or sometimes join in with board games.
The thing is though, is that only half of my flat have really been what I would call a "community", being the three I mentioned earlier. The other two girls have their own friends and generally isolate themselves from the rest of us. I myself have barely seen them. In fact, there's only ever been one occasion where all six of us have hung out together, and that was a meal we had at the uni pub one evening. I of course continued to try to fit in with the other three but I finally gave up when I overheard them talking about their house for next year, which the three of them were going to share with three from upstairs. By this time, it had all been sorted and signed for. It bugged me a little that they hadn't so much as even mentioned it to me.
To be honest I don't like to bother trying to socialise with them anymore because looking back I never felt I really clicked with them anyway and whatever happens now they're going into a house without me so I just don't see the point. The girl used to properly converse with me from time to time but that's stopped now. In fact now in mid-April, whenever any of them go in the kitchen when I'm there they literally just say "hello" and that's it, as if they don't know me. It's incredibly awkward for me to be around them and if I ever want to go in the kitchen for something and I hear them in there, I like to wait until they've gone before I go in.
I regularly FaceTime a very close friend from school who goes to another uni. Unlike mine, her entire flat are a really friendly community and just naturally all get on very well and have gotten quite close. I've not told her much about my flatmates because there's just nothing to tell, but we talk about hers a lot and so although I've only met them for a couple of minutes, and one not at all, I feel like I know her flatmates better than I know mine.
I've got my 2nd year accommodation sorted out which will have completely new flatmates and although I'm at a slight setback this time as they'll already know each other, I'll obviously try and start again with them and see how that goes.
It's not too much longer now until we all go home for Summer and so from then on I won't need to have anything to do with them again. But despite the other girls not really coming out much, is this all my fault, their fault or a bit of both? I just really don't know who's to blame for what has been a complete disaster for me.
Maybe you should have been in hall for first year at least.
Pot luck with flatmates
Maybe youd be better with non drinkers?
The other two have found their own way.
You didnt much like their way of things, so think carefully about what sort of studentds gives you the best chance of getting on. Flats are a few students and you either gel or you dont.
Part of your perception may just be the aspergers. Have you talked to your diability team at the uni and taken advice as to how you can have the best chance?
Hard to say its about fault though, so no point in worrying about it. Not everyone is inclusive or will make the effort. Sometimes if you get a few leaders then they can organise things like house meals or days out.
Pot luck with flatmates
Maybe youd be better with non drinkers?
The other two have found their own way.
You didnt much like their way of things, so think carefully about what sort of studentds gives you the best chance of getting on. Flats are a few students and you either gel or you dont.
Part of your perception may just be the aspergers. Have you talked to your diability team at the uni and taken advice as to how you can have the best chance?
Hard to say its about fault though, so no point in worrying about it. Not everyone is inclusive or will make the effort. Sometimes if you get a few leaders then they can organise things like house meals or days out.
I'm in a very similar situation to you. I'm not a very social person, and I don't drink, which means that I spend very little time with the other folks in my accommodation. All the same I'm more or less all right with it - I don't really class this situation as "not getting on with them" so much as just not interacting with them all that much. There are some people who have serious problems living with the people they're put with.
I get on with my flatmates well enough to the extent that we are friendly to each other whenever we meet in the kitchen, and there are never arguments or anything. But I haven't managed to get close to any of them, as they don't seem to be into doing any of the same hobbies and activities as me, so I haven't really gone out with them much at all. Which is a shame, because that's what I moved into halls for, but never mind; like someone said already, it's pot luck who you end up with. One of my flatmates has already left uni early recently (deferral) and has gone home, another is an Erasmus student and goes back to her home country after this year, and the third one is definitely returning to this city and has already organised a flat for next year with some of her course mates - which I'm not too bothered about tbh as I've already decided I'd like to go live with my boyfriend when I move out of here. I mostly just hang out with my boyfriend nowadays anyway, which is lucky otherwise I'd be so lonely!
Sorry to hear the disappointment you've gone through, but know that you're not alone and it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all - some people just don't click, that's all. Good luck in your next flat - hopefully it's a lot better for you
Sorry to hear the disappointment you've gone through, but know that you're not alone and it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all - some people just don't click, that's all. Good luck in your next flat - hopefully it's a lot better for you
From the perspective of someone who is probably similar to your housemates I really don't think they were trying to be mean or nasty when they didn't ask you to live with them... it's just as you said yourself you guys hadn't clicked and they'd rather live with people they are better friends with. In life you aren't going to get on with everyone... it doesn't mean you dislike everyone you don't click with... it just means there are different people out there that you get on better with.
As someone who likes going out and drinking and stuff it can be more difficult to become close with people who don't enjoy doing those things with you. Just because you'll spend less time with them and have less experiences together. Even a lot of my close friends at uni I have different friendship groups to so we don't go out together or rarely drink alcohol together, we just are generally pretty similar people. If for example you really like hockey and one of these other people liked hockey and you both joined this sport... you'd have more in common and spend more time with eachother so would probably be better friends... it's the same as the going out thing.
I wouldn't worry about these housemates now as you're changing next year. However next year what I suggest doing is joining a society that interests you... even if it's something like the non-alcoholic society so you're guaranteed to have no drinking involved! They're a great way to meet people that are similar to you. You can't depend on people you are randomly assigned to live with out of thousands of other students to be your soul mates!
It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong so don't change who you are, just hope your housemates next year are more similar... but it's not the end of the world if they aren't and regardless if you make friends with them or not take it on yourself to find people who share your interests and go join a new society or two! Good luck
As someone who likes going out and drinking and stuff it can be more difficult to become close with people who don't enjoy doing those things with you. Just because you'll spend less time with them and have less experiences together. Even a lot of my close friends at uni I have different friendship groups to so we don't go out together or rarely drink alcohol together, we just are generally pretty similar people. If for example you really like hockey and one of these other people liked hockey and you both joined this sport... you'd have more in common and spend more time with eachother so would probably be better friends... it's the same as the going out thing.
I wouldn't worry about these housemates now as you're changing next year. However next year what I suggest doing is joining a society that interests you... even if it's something like the non-alcoholic society so you're guaranteed to have no drinking involved! They're a great way to meet people that are similar to you. You can't depend on people you are randomly assigned to live with out of thousands of other students to be your soul mates!
It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong so don't change who you are, just hope your housemates next year are more similar... but it's not the end of the world if they aren't and regardless if you make friends with them or not take it on yourself to find people who share your interests and go join a new society or two! Good luck
I don't think it's anyone's 'fault'. And really, nothing has gone horribly wrong. Okay, they haven't asked you to move in which has made you feel like you're unwelcome socially but they haven't been nasty about it (they probably didn't even think that you'd want to if they drink a lot and you don't).
Some groups of people just don't get on closely. Often it is for reasons like here that some like to drink a lot and party and others prefer quieter activities and study more. That's not to say it's your fault just that it happens, you'd be miserable if you forced yourself to go out clubbing twice a week too. Actually, your flat sounds like it's been pretty decent, your flatmates have been friendly, you play board games etc sometimes, it could be a lot worse. The thing is, you don't hear about people in your situation who just haven't clicked with housemates because people are embarrassed to broadcast that they haven't made friends, but a lot more people are experiencing it than you realize. And still more are forcing themselves to do things they hate because they think it's the only way to make friends.
Some groups of people just don't get on closely. Often it is for reasons like here that some like to drink a lot and party and others prefer quieter activities and study more. That's not to say it's your fault just that it happens, you'd be miserable if you forced yourself to go out clubbing twice a week too. Actually, your flat sounds like it's been pretty decent, your flatmates have been friendly, you play board games etc sometimes, it could be a lot worse. The thing is, you don't hear about people in your situation who just haven't clicked with housemates because people are embarrassed to broadcast that they haven't made friends, but a lot more people are experiencing it than you realize. And still more are forcing themselves to do things they hate because they think it's the only way to make friends.
I agree with the others on here. Sometimes things just don't work out that well. If you put a bunch of random strangers together it is unlikely that you will all be best friends because life's not like that. Everyone is being civil and you have made the effort to get on with them, just politely say your goodbyes at the end of the year and move on. You will meet people you get on with better and have more in common with, it just takes time.
Original post by Naomibill
I agree with the others on here. Sometimes things just don't work out that well. If you put a bunch of random strangers together it is unlikely that you will all be best friends because life's not like that. Everyone is being civil and you have made the effort to get on with them, just politely say your goodbyes at the end of the year and move on. You will meet people you get on with better and have more in common with, it just takes time.
Yeah, looking at it now, that makes sense. Before coming to uni there were presentations and all sorts about it at my old school, and one person who came in told us how her flatmates are now her best friends, and everyone was saying the same thing, that this would happen. It didn't help that this was pretty much the case for my friend who I mentioned, and her entire flat and in fact most of her floor are all a big, friendly community. So from this positive representation, I just assumed that whoever I was put with in my flat I would get very close with regardless, so when it never worked out like that, and I never seemed to fit in with them, I did honestly blame myself and my Asperger's. Now I'm aware that this is quite normal and common for many other people as well and I feel much better about it now. One of the guys in my flat that I mentioned, who's going into the house, I've barely even spoken to. He briefly said something to me on the very first day and then after that, when it was just me and him in the kitchen, he would literally just sort of say "a'right" when he came in and that was it, so I do feel on some occasions that they didn't really try with me either.
I couldn't care less about it now anyway. I'll most likely never see or speak to them again after Summer and to be honest that suits me just fine. I can't force myself to be friends with people who I literally have absolutely nothing in common with whatsoever. Thanks for the advice though.
Original post by anosmianAcrimony
I'm in a very similar situation to you. I'm not a very social person, and I don't drink, which means that I spend very little time with the other folks in my accommodation. All the same I'm more or less all right with it - I don't really class this situation as "not getting on with them" so much as just not interacting with them all that much. There are some people who have serious problems living with the people they're put with.
Some poor sod probably has to live with a guy who cheated on his girlfriend with another girl in the same flat
In short, it's no ones fault. Sometimes people just don't click, you can be nice and civil with eachother, but you're never going to be best of friends, and that's okay. You made an effort but maybe your interests and personalities just weren't a right fit. You have the support of your friend from home, maybe when you move into your new flat, get her to come up one weekend. It can be easier to integrate into a group when you have a friend to help. Hope everything goes okay for you
Original post by DanteTheDoorKnob
Some poor sod probably has to live with a guy who cheated on his girlfriend with another girl in the same flat
I'm sure it's happened.
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