University vs. Girlfriend
For sake of anonymity I will not use any real names / names of universities. Sorry if this resembles a GCSE algebra problem...
I've been with my girlfriend for around half a year now – and it's been absolutely great.
Initially, I had high hopes of getting into University X – but was rejected. Had I not met my girlfriend, my second choice university would be University Y.
However, both my girlfriend and I have offers for University Z – a Russell Group uni - and it just so happens that University Z is on the opposite side of the country to University Y – at least a 6 hour train journey from eachother which costs a fortune. We've both discussed the potential of long distance but it doesn't really appeal to either of us...
I have firmed University Z – as has my girlfriend – but I am having second thoughts. I've suddenly just realised what a huge sign of commitment this is – and although I love her, at 17, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. What if the regret of not choosing University Y causes me to resent my girlfriend?
She has obviously expressed a preference for me to join her at University Z – I wouldn't say she's explicitly emotionally blackmailed me, but it is true to say that I'm not sure how I could bring myself to tell her that I have changed my mind and chosen University Y instead.
University Z is a great university but University Y (my original second choice) is more prestigious and boasts a higher ranking in most league tables.
It just feels slightly weird to be making my university choice based off a relationship – especially at this age.
I don't know if I'm on the verge of making the biggest mistake of my life and would really appreciate some advice.
I've been with my girlfriend for around half a year now – and it's been absolutely great.
Initially, I had high hopes of getting into University X – but was rejected. Had I not met my girlfriend, my second choice university would be University Y.
However, both my girlfriend and I have offers for University Z – a Russell Group uni - and it just so happens that University Z is on the opposite side of the country to University Y – at least a 6 hour train journey from eachother which costs a fortune. We've both discussed the potential of long distance but it doesn't really appeal to either of us...
I have firmed University Z – as has my girlfriend – but I am having second thoughts. I've suddenly just realised what a huge sign of commitment this is – and although I love her, at 17, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. What if the regret of not choosing University Y causes me to resent my girlfriend?
She has obviously expressed a preference for me to join her at University Z – I wouldn't say she's explicitly emotionally blackmailed me, but it is true to say that I'm not sure how I could bring myself to tell her that I have changed my mind and chosen University Y instead.
University Z is a great university but University Y (my original second choice) is more prestigious and boasts a higher ranking in most league tables.
It just feels slightly weird to be making my university choice based off a relationship – especially at this age.
I don't know if I'm on the verge of making the biggest mistake of my life and would really appreciate some advice.
Scroll to see replies
Original post by Anonymous
For sake of anonymity I will not use any real names / names of universities. Sorry if this resembles a GCSE algebra problem...
I've been with my girlfriend for around half a year now – and it's been absolutely great.
Initially, I had high hopes of getting into University X – but was rejected. Had I not met my girlfriend, my second choice university would be University Y.
However, both my girlfriend and I have offers for University Z – a Russell Group uni - and it just so happens that University Z is on the opposite side of the country to University Y – at least a 6 hour train journey from eachother which costs a fortune. We've both discussed the potential of long distance but it doesn't really appeal to either of us...
I have firmed University Z – as has my girlfriend – but I am having second thoughts. I've suddenly just realised what a huge sign of commitment this is – and although I love her, at 17, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. What if the regret of not choosing University Y causes me to resent my girlfriend?
She has obviously expressed a preference for me to join her at University Z – I wouldn't say she's explicitly emotionally blackmailed me, but it is true to say that I'm not sure how I could bring myself to tell her that I have changed my mind and chosen University Y instead.
University Z is a great university but University Y (my original second choice) is more prestigious and boasts a higher ranking in most league tables.
It just feels slightly weird to be making my university choice based off a relationship – especially at this age.
I don't know if I'm on the verge of making the biggest mistake of my life and would really appreciate some advice.
I've been with my girlfriend for around half a year now – and it's been absolutely great.
Initially, I had high hopes of getting into University X – but was rejected. Had I not met my girlfriend, my second choice university would be University Y.
However, both my girlfriend and I have offers for University Z – a Russell Group uni - and it just so happens that University Z is on the opposite side of the country to University Y – at least a 6 hour train journey from eachother which costs a fortune. We've both discussed the potential of long distance but it doesn't really appeal to either of us...
I have firmed University Z – as has my girlfriend – but I am having second thoughts. I've suddenly just realised what a huge sign of commitment this is – and although I love her, at 17, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. What if the regret of not choosing University Y causes me to resent my girlfriend?
She has obviously expressed a preference for me to join her at University Z – I wouldn't say she's explicitly emotionally blackmailed me, but it is true to say that I'm not sure how I could bring myself to tell her that I have changed my mind and chosen University Y instead.
University Z is a great university but University Y (my original second choice) is more prestigious and boasts a higher ranking in most league tables.
It just feels slightly weird to be making my university choice based off a relationship – especially at this age.
I don't know if I'm on the verge of making the biggest mistake of my life and would really appreciate some advice.
I think the best way to answer this is, if you took your girlfriend out of the equation which university would you have chosen?
At the risk of sounding mean and heartless, the chances that you will still be with this girl in 5 years (irrespective of the uni you go to) are pretty low.
Go for your preferred university (if you still can?).
Go for your preferred university (if you still can?).
Original post by Anonymous
For sake of anonymity I will not use any real names / names of universities. Sorry if this resembles a GCSE algebra problem...
I've been with my girlfriend for around half a year now – and it's been absolutely great.
Initially, I had high hopes of getting into University X – but was rejected. Had I not met my girlfriend, my second choice university would be University Y.
However, both my girlfriend and I have offers for University Z – a Russell Group uni - and it just so happens that University Z is on the opposite side of the country to University Y – at least a 6 hour train journey from eachother which costs a fortune. We've both discussed the potential of long distance but it doesn't really appeal to either of us...
I have firmed University Z – as has my girlfriend – but I am having second thoughts. I've suddenly just realised what a huge sign of commitment this is – and although I love her, at 17, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. What if the regret of not choosing University Y causes me to resent my girlfriend?
She has obviously expressed a preference for me to join her at University Z – I wouldn't say she's explicitly emotionally blackmailed me, but it is true to say that I'm not sure how I could bring myself to tell her that I have changed my mind and chosen University Y instead.
University Z is a great university but University Y (my original second choice) is more prestigious and boasts a higher ranking in most league tables.
It just feels slightly weird to be making my university choice based off a relationship – especially at this age.
I don't know if I'm on the verge of making the biggest mistake of my life and would really appreciate some advice.
I've been with my girlfriend for around half a year now – and it's been absolutely great.
Initially, I had high hopes of getting into University X – but was rejected. Had I not met my girlfriend, my second choice university would be University Y.
However, both my girlfriend and I have offers for University Z – a Russell Group uni - and it just so happens that University Z is on the opposite side of the country to University Y – at least a 6 hour train journey from eachother which costs a fortune. We've both discussed the potential of long distance but it doesn't really appeal to either of us...
I have firmed University Z – as has my girlfriend – but I am having second thoughts. I've suddenly just realised what a huge sign of commitment this is – and although I love her, at 17, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. What if the regret of not choosing University Y causes me to resent my girlfriend?
She has obviously expressed a preference for me to join her at University Z – I wouldn't say she's explicitly emotionally blackmailed me, but it is true to say that I'm not sure how I could bring myself to tell her that I have changed my mind and chosen University Y instead.
University Z is a great university but University Y (my original second choice) is more prestigious and boasts a higher ranking in most league tables.
It just feels slightly weird to be making my university choice based off a relationship – especially at this age.
I don't know if I'm on the verge of making the biggest mistake of my life and would really appreciate some advice.
If you have already formed University Z then I believe it's too late to be having second thoughts now.
Original post by Anonymous
For sake of anonymity I will not use any real names / names of universities. Sorry if this resembles a GCSE algebra problem...
Hey OP,
If you are having second thoughts then it's happening for a reason. I agree with @claireestelle, if you didn't have a girlfriend which university would you have chosen?
There is no reason why you can't try the long-term thing for a little while and let it run it's course, see what happens.
Practically is Uni Y your insurance choice?
Original post by claireestelle
I think the best way to answer this is, if you took your girlfriend out of the equation which university would you have chosen?
That doesnt work because the girlfriend is part of the equation.
OP
Its highly unlikely your relationship will last, whereas your degree will stay with you forever. You have the advantage that you know your gf and you also know the differences between the two unis . We dont have that important information.
Unless she was massively special, then I would be going to Y, although you need to accept the chances are it will mean the end of this relationship.
Original post by 999tigger
That doesnt work because the girlfriend is part of the equation.
OP
Its highly unlikely your relationship will last, whereas your degree will stay with you forever. You have the advantage that you know your gf and you also know the differences between the two unis . We dont have that important information.
Unless she was massively special, then I would be going to Y, although you need to accept the chances are it will mean the end of this relationship.
OP
Its highly unlikely your relationship will last, whereas your degree will stay with you forever. You have the advantage that you know your gf and you also know the differences between the two unis . We dont have that important information.
Unless she was massively special, then I would be going to Y, although you need to accept the chances are it will mean the end of this relationship.
I only meant it for OP to consider how much an impact his girlfriend has had on his decision.
Agreed with Claire and She-Ra. Especially about doubts. If you're having doubts, it's not a good sign. If you're dedicated to each other, where you study shouldn't be a problem. It's hard, yes. But you have to think about yourself when it comes to your university education. I know this sounds selfish and heartless. But, let's take her out of it for a moment. Where do you want to go?
I know what situation your in. I had the same but with college, but my relationship is a lot shorter than yours. Mine is only 2 months and 14 days but i still wouldn't know what to choose.
But my situation was easier because i don't have to travel to see him, he lives 10 minutes away, but I don't always see him.
At the end of the day you shouldn't be in a position to choose, i mean yeah education is important but so is your girlfriend.
But my situation was easier because i don't have to travel to see him, he lives 10 minutes away, but I don't always see him.
At the end of the day you shouldn't be in a position to choose, i mean yeah education is important but so is your girlfriend.
I was recently in a similar situation. Me and my boyfriend live in Lancashire and I recently got an offer to study in London. I nearly chose to stay in Manchester and work to be closer to him. Thank god I didn't, because what I really want to study and where I really want to go is London. Maybe we'll work out. Maybe we won't. In my opinion, 17 is way too young to make such a big decision based on your girlfriend. If you truly love each other you'll make it work long distance, but if the idea doesn't appeal to any of you... leave in a friendly way and wish each other the best of luck. Maybe once you two have moved on you can be friends again.
(edited 7 years ago)
I agree with what most people have said. If you're having doubts now then that's a bad sign, you wont be feeling any different come September or next year or the year after .
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
I completely understand where you're coming from. Making a decision like this is hard, but at times you need to assess the importance of both options based on the situation as it is today, not as it might be in five years time.
From what you've said, it seems to me that you're worried about regretting this decison in the future. Don't. You're not making a sacrifice here: going to the same university as your girlfriend is a compromise. It's still a great university and will presumably open many doors for you.
So, my opinion is that you should think about the following: do you want to stay with her? Right now, can you see a future with her? If the answer to those questions is yes, then I think you've firmed the right university. If not, then you should probably think about getting in touch with your first choice to see if they still have a place for you. Be prepared to explain yourself to them.
It is normal to question the direction of your relationship from time to time. The fact you're having doubts doesn't necessarily mean you should leave your girlfriend. You're the only person who's capable of determining your feelings.
In short, do what you think will make you happy and not what you think you'll regret if you don't.
From what you've said, it seems to me that you're worried about regretting this decison in the future. Don't. You're not making a sacrifice here: going to the same university as your girlfriend is a compromise. It's still a great university and will presumably open many doors for you.
So, my opinion is that you should think about the following: do you want to stay with her? Right now, can you see a future with her? If the answer to those questions is yes, then I think you've firmed the right university. If not, then you should probably think about getting in touch with your first choice to see if they still have a place for you. Be prepared to explain yourself to them.
It is normal to question the direction of your relationship from time to time. The fact you're having doubts doesn't necessarily mean you should leave your girlfriend. You're the only person who's capable of determining your feelings.
In short, do what you think will make you happy and not what you think you'll regret if you don't.
Do what is best for you. I am sure that your GF would want you to be happy. Besides the relationship will be really stressful, if you resent her for blocking your dream.
I don't think that you can do anything about your University choices since you have already firmed University Z. Maybe, you can contact University Y and Z to see whether Z can release you and Y can re-issue that offer on UCAS.
Finally, have a serious and open discussion with your gf. You should respect her enough to talk about your worries. She may respect you for being mature and talking about your doubts.
Good luck
I don't think that you can do anything about your University choices since you have already firmed University Z. Maybe, you can contact University Y and Z to see whether Z can release you and Y can re-issue that offer on UCAS.
Finally, have a serious and open discussion with your gf. You should respect her enough to talk about your worries. She may respect you for being mature and talking about your doubts.
Good luck
Just a thought
you could both do a 3 hour train journey and meet halfway of your original 6 hour journey
but if that's not much help then I would go for the more prestigious Uni. the last thing you want is to resent her. if your paths split, then at least you can remain friends on good terms rather than risk the potential of a messy break up, resenting her AND knowing you could have gone to a "better" Uni.
While I may come off as quite insensitive with this statement: there are plenty of other girls (women is the correct term I guess) at the other Uni.
I think this boils down to a head over heart matter. how far you are willing to go to see her? sure you could spend the rest of your life with her
...but then you could also break up for other reasons and end up wishing you picked the other Uni. on the other hand, a degree is a degree. so if the Uni's are quite similar is it that much of an issue?
you have 14 days to change the choices I believe. so don't dilly dally if you come to a conclusion of Uni over girlfriend.
Personally I'll go for head over heart, but I'm not currently in a relationship so my suggestion might be a little bias. be instinctive, whatever you think is the correct choice based on gut feeling, don't question it
Best of luck with exams
you could both do a 3 hour train journey and meet halfway of your original 6 hour journey
but if that's not much help then I would go for the more prestigious Uni. the last thing you want is to resent her. if your paths split, then at least you can remain friends on good terms rather than risk the potential of a messy break up, resenting her AND knowing you could have gone to a "better" Uni.
While I may come off as quite insensitive with this statement: there are plenty of other girls (women is the correct term I guess) at the other Uni.
I think this boils down to a head over heart matter. how far you are willing to go to see her? sure you could spend the rest of your life with her
...but then you could also break up for other reasons and end up wishing you picked the other Uni. on the other hand, a degree is a degree. so if the Uni's are quite similar is it that much of an issue?
you have 14 days to change the choices I believe. so don't dilly dally if you come to a conclusion of Uni over girlfriend.
Personally I'll go for head over heart, but I'm not currently in a relationship so my suggestion might be a little bias. be instinctive, whatever you think is the correct choice based on gut feeling, don't question it
Best of luck with exams
(edited 7 years ago)
For me it would be a no-brainer, and I'd go for my preferred uni but I'm the sort of person who would put uni/a job over relationships because I'd rather be in control of my own future than rely on someone else for my happiness. You're 17, you're going to change a lot as well as meet a lot of people and if you're having doubts I think it's reasonable to assume that she's not The One (if you believe in that).
It depends on what your dreams are. I mean from what you are saying I guess you really want to continue your studies and want a successful life as you prefer a high ranking University and not planning to go to a university just to fool around.
I am sure your girlfriend will understand you and she would like to see that you are happy with your own decisions.
Even though distance relationships don't really work if she is so important to you and you have something so deep (which I doubt cause you are just 17teen but who knows) you will find ways to be together and your relationship will just grow out of it.
You know you can't have anything in your life. You have to put priorities. Just think that I moving 2,000 km far from my home-family-friends to study in the University I want.
Dont follow your dreams. Chase them!
good luck
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I am sure your girlfriend will understand you and she would like to see that you are happy with your own decisions.
Even though distance relationships don't really work if she is so important to you and you have something so deep (which I doubt cause you are just 17teen but who knows) you will find ways to be together and your relationship will just grow out of it.
You know you can't have anything in your life. You have to put priorities. Just think that I moving 2,000 km far from my home-family-friends to study in the University I want.
Dont follow your dreams. Chase them!
good luck
Posted from TSR Mobile
One of my friends at Uni has a boyfriend who lives over 6 hours away (St Andrews - Leicestershire). She's lived away from him for 2 years, only coming back over the holidays, and yet their relationship is still very strong. Don't think you need to be near your gf for a successful relationship. As long as you truly love each other, you'll be fine.
(edited 7 years ago)
I think you should have firmed Uni Y. University is such a huge decision that you shouldn't let anyone but yourself influence. I'm coming to the end of my third year and have been in a long distance relationship the entire time and it has worked absolutely fine (no direct train, journey takes approx 5 hours, although now I drive it). If it's meant to be and she's the right person for you, distance won't matter. It's not forever afterall. It's also a fairly new relationship, and I think the fact that you're having second thoughts shows your regret. I think you need to talk to her about this and tell her how you feel. If she's not selfish then she'll realise how much Uni Y means to you and will tell you to go there
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