Im a Muslim girl and really let myself down

So a while back I was in a real bad place. I was a loner at university which was hard for me and I had so many worries about life and can truly say no one was there for me anymore.

I used to be quite devout and prayed several times a day and generally had good faith. One night when things were getting too much for me I went online and joined a chatroom. For the first time ever I put a picture of myself without hijab in hopes more people will talk to me. Surely the sleazy guys there talked to me. It was not my intention to attract guys but i thought it would get me attention in general.

Anyway time went on and i used the site to vent my problems and i came accross an extreamly friendly guy. Fast forward i begin talking to this guy everyday. Soon i realise he was smooth talking womanizer. The pit I was in at the time meant i held on to talking to him as i had no one else like me the way he did. He only valued women for their looks physically and this became clear to me. However as saddened i was about this i thought i could keep talking to him and not let that get to me. Eventually he persuaded me to do all sorts over skype! Im talking stripping yes. Im being totally honest here because he took away the basic concept of modesty I had as a Muslim and I am shocked by that. I realise I have strayed so much. When this guy no longer talked to me I was actually starting to look for a relationship in real life and felt like I no longer had boundaries. I was not able to accept why this guy no longer talked to me after a year of talking ( at nights only).i still find the experiennce traumatizing.
I feel horrible being like this and so far away from who I was. I dont have many Muslim friends and honestly dont know what to do to feel connected to Islam again amd the joy I once had of being a Muslim and proud to cover herself and not be objectified by a guy.i dont feel part of a muslim community even though my family follows islam. Please reply and dont judge.

Thanks

Reply 1

CarolGray91

1

Original post by Anonymous

So a while back I was in a real bad place. I was a loner at university which was hard for me and I had so many worries about life and can truly say no one was there for me anymore.

I used to be quite devout and prayed several times a day and generally had good faith. One night when things were getting too much for me I went online and joined a chatroom. For the first time ever I put a picture of myself without hijab in hopes more people will talk to me. Surely the sleazy guys there talked to me. It was not my intention to attract guys but i thought it would get me attention in general.

Anyway time went on and i used the site to vent my problems and i came accross an extreamly friendly guy. Fast forward i begin talking to this guy everyday. Soon i realise he was smooth talking womanizer. The pit I was in at the time meant i held on to talking to him as i had no one else like me the way he did. He only valued women for their looks physically and this became clear to me. However as saddened i was about this i thought i could keep talking to him and not let that get to me. Eventually he persuaded me to do all sorts over skype! Im talking stripping yes. Im being totally honest here because he took away the basic concept of modesty I had as a Muslim and I am shocked by that. I realise I have strayed so much. When this guy no longer talked to me I was actually starting to look for a relationship in real life and felt like I no longer had boundaries. I was not able to accept why this guy no longer talked to me after a year of talking ( at nights only).i still find the experiennce traumatizing.
I feel horrible being like this and so far away from who I was. I dont have many Muslim friends and honestly dont know what to do to feel connected to Islam again amd the joy I once had of being a Muslim and proud to cover herself and not be objectified by a guy.i dont feel part of a muslim community even though my family follows islam. Please reply and dont judge.

Thanks

Awww hunny I really feel for you! I think over the year you've developed an emotional attachment to this boy, and only time will sever the strings that are still holding you on to him. I'm not judging, we've all done things we've regretted, but we learn from the mistakes that we make and move on. Allah will forgive you! But the most important thing is that you forgive yourself! You need to accept that it wasn't the year that you had hoped it would be and focus on the future and how you can change it. Making friends is hard, but being polite and friendly to everyone you meet will help you feel better. Start a conversation with two people a day about the weather, then ask what course they are doing, then by that point similar interests should have come up and the beginning of a friendship.
Hope you're not beating yourself up too much, everything happens for a reason Hun and I hope this helps you xxxx

Reply 2

cuddle_me_in

5

Oh gosh, that's awful.

Parts of your post reminds me of myself (as in how you're feeling).
I was really depressed during my college and uni years to a point where I even felt suicidal. I had really low self esteem and thought I was too ugly to be seen in public. In my head, I convinced myself that I was so ugly, I'd just be better off dead. For a few years, I had no friends and I had a pretty bad relationship with family members at the time too. Anyway, I waffle a lot but the point I'm getting at is that I also felt extremely lonely and like nobody in the world gave a ****. If anyone did express care, I'd become extremely attached to them.

I can understand why you ended up doing what you did. When people feel like ****, we engage in behaviour that isn't healthy. I lied to my mother and went on a night out; I drank and smoked and some guy kissed me (and I did nothing to stop it even though I didn't want it to happen). The guilt of that has been eating me up, especially since I'm pretty sure another guy (who is one of the worst people I've ever met) found out about it and he will have told every brown person within a 20 mile radius about it. So now the whole community probably think I'm a slag with loose morals which is just great. That is literally the only time in my life that I went out. There's more to the story but I'll spare you the details.

It's really been stressing me out (on top of another bigger issue) and it pisses me off that there is hardly any unity in the community. Instead of supporting each other, all people want to do is gossip (which is also a sin).
But, at the same time, we're just human beings. We ****ing make mistakes because people aren't perfect. When it comes down to it, your faith is, ultimately, about your relationship with God, not people who are gonna judge you and put you down.

Anyway, would you like to message me? I honestly won't be judgemental about it and, actually, I don't have many Muslim friends either so it'd be nice to talk to someone from my own background about it.

Either way, things can get really shitty but remember to keep you chin up, girl.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 3

HuzaifahN

2

Welcome to the real world.
I feel so savage :》 :top:

Reply 4

pinkrox22310

11

Original post by Anonymous

So a while back I was in a real bad place. I was a loner at university which was hard for me and I had so many worries about life and can truly say no one was there for me anymore.

I used to be quite devout and prayed several times a day and generally had good faith. One night when things were getting too much for me I went online and joined a chatroom. For the first time ever I put a picture of myself without hijab in hopes more people will talk to me. Surely the sleazy guys there talked to me. It was not my intention to attract guys but i thought it would get me attention in general.

Anyway time went on and i used the site to vent my problems and i came accross an extreamly friendly guy. Fast forward i begin talking to this guy everyday. Soon i realise he was smooth talking womanizer. The pit I was in at the time meant i held on to talking to him as i had no one else like me the way he did. He only valued women for their looks physically and this became clear to me. However as saddened i was about this i thought i could keep talking to him and not let that get to me. Eventually he persuaded me to do all sorts over skype! Im talking stripping yes. Im being totally honest here because he took away the basic concept of modesty I had as a Muslim and I am shocked by that. I realise I have strayed so much. When this guy no longer talked to me I was actually starting to look for a relationship in real life and felt like I no longer had boundaries. I was not able to accept why this guy no longer talked to me after a year of talking ( at nights only).i still find the experiennce traumatizing.
I feel horrible being like this and so far away from who I was. I dont have many Muslim friends and honestly dont know what to do to feel connected to Islam again amd the joy I once had of being a Muslim and proud to cover herself and not be objectified by a guy.i dont feel part of a muslim community even though my family follows islam. Please reply and dont judge.

Thanks

Times like this is when God is testing you. Honestly I understand you and I'm not judging you at at all. The fact you have regret in your heart for all these things you have done shows that you still have that faith and dedication to Islam.
Please don't feel as if you're not attractive enough and that you have to remove your hijab to feel pretty because your beauty is hidden by your hijab for a reason because only your husband should be able to appreciate your beauty and no other man deserves to even see how beautiful you are.

Okay so you said you were feeling lonely but when you feel lonely these are one of the best times to turn to God for help. You need to learn self love hun, Just try to be proud of who you are, You are beautiful with your hijab aswell as without. If you feel lonely then why don't you try to meet people who will have a good influence on you. I'm not talking about online, I mean in real life.

Honestly when you begin to love yourself everyone around you will see that and will be pretty impress :smile:

Go back to praying and turn to God for help and ask for forgiveness your life will feel right on track as soon as you focus on your religion. This is all a test, You can do it :smile:

Reply 5

HHijabi

What you did was your past ......when u have realised that it wasn't right it means you are on the right past .i appreciate your honesty and I'm sure Allah knows that you have come back and he loves his creations who repent and come back to him .If you are truly shameful then repent once and believe He has forgiven and carry on with your life the way He wants.....Secondly you can guide people of your age group or loners like you were so that they won't get astray ...Allah loves who repent their sins and promise to never commit them again ....There is a beautiful world outside waiting for u to explore and His creations (people)now should be your targets for acts of kindness,compassion and love .Love people beyond the boundaries of religion and borders .

Reply 6

Daimonos

2

Original post by Anonymous

So a while back I was in a real bad place. I was a loner at university which was hard for me and I had so many worries about life and can truly say no one was there for me anymore.

I used to be quite devout and prayed several times a day and generally had good faith. One night when things were getting too much for me I went online and joined a chatroom. For the first time ever I put a picture of myself without hijab in hopes more people will talk to me. Surely the sleazy guys there talked to me. It was not my intention to attract guys but i thought it would get me attention in general.

Anyway time went on and i used the site to vent my problems and i came accross an extreamly friendly guy. Fast forward i begin talking to this guy everyday. Soon i realise he was smooth talking womanizer. The pit I was in at the time meant i held on to talking to him as i had no one else like me the way he did. He only valued women for their looks physically and this became clear to me. However as saddened i was about this i thought i could keep talking to him and not let that get to me. Eventually he persuaded me to do all sorts over skype! Im talking stripping yes. Im being totally honest here because he took away the basic concept of modesty I had as a Muslim and I am shocked by that. I realise I have strayed so much. When this guy no longer talked to me I was actually starting to look for a relationship in real life and felt like I no longer had boundaries. I was not able to accept why this guy no longer talked to me after a year of talking ( at nights only).i still find the experiennce traumatizing.
I feel horrible being like this and so far away from who I was. I dont have many Muslim friends and honestly dont know what to do to feel connected to Islam again amd the joy I once had of being a Muslim and proud to cover herself and not be objectified by a guy.i dont feel part of a muslim community even though my family follows islam. Please reply and dont judge.

Thanks

"Dont worry about it, it's cool, people make mistakes "

- Lord God Allah

Reply 7

soIiIoquy

19

Original post by HuzaifahN

Welcome to the real world.
I feel so savage :》 :top:

looooooooooooooool

Reply 8

gr8wizard10

21

hope all goes well for you

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

I'm a guy and muslim, if you want someone to speak to i would love to, as i'm going through a couple things on my own

You're probably better off getting advice from girls who have gone through similar scenarios, but with regards to losing part of a muslim identity i want to confide in someone i feel who can relate, as oppose to go directly to i-soc where i feel sometimes they just judge me.

If you want i can pm you somehow.

Reply 10

username2312801

18

People make mistakes but you certainly learn from them :smile:

It's fine

Reply 11

Dexa

1

you seem to be placing blame on the guy, but this has all been your fault and yours only. When you come to accept this it will make it easier to move on.

You were depressed and did some silly things. It happens to all of us. Learn from it and move on with your life.

Reply 12

fatiana

22

it's a good thing you know what you did is bad and stuff...all i can say is make tawbah to Allah and may Allah forgive you...If you need advice or someone to talk to feel free to pm me