Daddy issues :(

Please help

My dad and I have had a strained relationship since I hit 15 (now 20). It's basically because he is Muslim (very moderate though, has lived in UK all his life and my mum is white/french/nonreligious). He thinks i am muslim but I am not. He doesn't expect me to wear hijab or pray etc, but does impose other rules on me (no drinking, no boyfriends, dress modestly, obey him and speak to him deferentially)

I am now at university and living a completely 'british' life, if you get me. (No, I am NOT a 'slut', before anyone makes comments). This is working okay because I go to uni in scotland and he is all the way back in the south of england, and im careful about what goes on the internet

The thing is I feel like I'm suffocating every time I lie to him. Maybe the guilt is because he loves me so much and has such a warped, optimistic view of me. I have 2 brothers who are similar in age to me who he treats very differently to me. Obviously, he doesnt make them dress modestly. He recently didnt talk to me for a few weeks because he was angry that i showed my shoulders. My brothers also live british lives, but dont have to hide it like i do. My dad even jokes to my younger brother (18 years old) about him getting a girlfriend, whereas if i so much as look at a man on the TV, i can feel his awkward stare. My dad expects me to just study all the time and not have a life....

I dont really know what answer I am looking for, just support really I think everyday about 'coming out' as a non muslim but I know it would absolutely crush him and he'd think he's a failed parent. But i hate having to live a double life and lie all the time, its really depressing me

Not muslim but I totally know how that feels, boys are treated much differently to girls in the asian culture

I don't think the best idea would be coming out to him as a non-muslim, I think you would be in a lot of trouble from what it sounds like. Can you not just carry on being free as you are away from him. Will you have to marry when you go back? are you able to move out immediately?

you need to gain your independence, intellectually and finacially and then tell him in the most kind terms you are better than him?
not tell him but allow him to realise his stupitity?
truth is truth...ignorance/ignorant is the best gift we can teach our parents not to be :P

Please help

My dad and I have had a strained relationship since I hit 15 (now 20). It's basically because he is Muslim (very moderate though, has lived in UK all his life and my mum is white/french/nonreligious). He thinks i am muslim but I am not. He doesn't expect me to wear hijab or pray etc, but does impose other rules on me (no drinking, no boyfriends, dress modestly, obey him and speak to him deferentially)

I am now at university and living a completely 'british' life, if you get me. (No, I am NOT a 'slut', before anyone makes comments). This is working okay because I go to uni in scotland and he is all the way back in the south of england, and im careful about what goes on the internet

The thing is I feel like I'm suffocating every time I lie to him. Maybe the guilt is because he loves me so much and has such a warped, optimistic view of me. I have 2 brothers who are similar in age to me who he treats very differently to me. Obviously, he doesnt make them dress modestly. He recently didnt talk to me for a few weeks because he was angry that i showed my shoulders. My brothers also live british lives, but dont have to hide it like i do. My dad even jokes to my younger brother (18 years old) about him getting a girlfriend, whereas if i so much as look at a man on the TV, i can feel his awkward stare. My dad expects me to just study all the time and not have a life....

I dont really know what answer I am looking for, just support really I think everyday about 'coming out' as a non muslim but I know it would absolutely crush him and he'd think he's a failed parent. But i hate having to live a double life and lie all the time, its really depressing me

Please help

My dad and I have had a strained relationship since I hit 15 (now 20). It's basically because he is Muslim (very moderate though, has lived in UK all his life and my mum is white/french/nonreligious). He thinks i am muslim but I am not. He doesn't expect me to wear hijab or pray etc, but does impose other rules on me (no drinking, no boyfriends, dress modestly, obey him and speak to him deferentially)

I am now at university and living a completely 'british' life, if you get me. (No, I am NOT a 'slut', before anyone makes comments). This is working okay because I go to uni in scotland and he is all the way back in the south of england, and im careful about what goes on the internet

The thing is I feel like I'm suffocating every time I lie to him. Maybe the guilt is because he loves me so much and has such a warped, optimistic view of me. I have 2 brothers who are similar in age to me who he treats very differently to me. Obviously, he doesnt make them dress modestly. He recently didnt talk to me for a few weeks because he was angry that i showed my shoulders. My brothers also live british lives, but dont have to hide it like i do. My dad even jokes to my younger brother (18 years old) about him getting a girlfriend, whereas if i so much as look at a man on the TV, i can feel his awkward stare. My dad expects me to just study all the time and not have a life....

I dont really know what answer I am looking for, just support really I think everyday about 'coming out' as a non muslim but I know it would absolutely crush him and he'd think he's a failed parent. But i hate having to live a double life and lie all the time, its really depressing me

Not muslim but I totally know how that feels, boys are treated much differently to girls in the asian culture

I don't think the best idea would be coming out to him as a non-muslim, I think you would be in a lot of trouble from what it sounds like. Can you not just carry on being free as you are away from him. Will you have to marry when you go back? are you able to move out immediately?

I'm neither a muslim nor a woman; but i think the anxieties you have are not unusual and happen in all sorts of cultures.

Children have to grow up and many, if not most, parents have a problem with this one way or another. You think the problem stems from not being religious enough for your father? I seriously upset my father by studying Theology at university; he was truly upset by the fact that he thought I was becoming too religious (but then he didn't understand how theology works, lol).

Your father is no fool - he knows you are studying at the other end of the country and he has no control over you there. He has good reason to believe that you will not move straight back home either but may either qualify in something next, or work in London (which is big) or abroad.

He has already married a secular French woman (and I imagine your mother is no pushover) so he's not exactly 'conservative' as you say. So he is probably exercising the last piece of patriarchy he can because he knows that you're going to move on and I suspect that he feels that he has to do this because your university situation is one with which he is unfamiliar. So he is reacting by doing what he thinks is expected of him by his friends at the mosque/what his own father did. If he really thought you would land in trouble he would have stopped all ideas of uni at all.

But you have gone to university; did he seriously think you'd abandon any career and independence and just seek a marriage with a nice suitable muslim spouse? He didn't.

As for coming out (and I'm gay so I should know about 'coming out', lol) as a non-muslim, you don't need to make a big thing of it; just leave space for people to work it out themselves.

You don't ever 'come out' of a closet, you just let the door swing open.

theres so many threads on muslims I honestly cant tell which are trolls or not now

if u tell him the truth whats the worst that can happen?

yeah thats what im in the process of doing whilst at uni i suppose. I chose to move to scotland for uni so i could have independence (lol no SNP pun intended)

its just so sad because i can see his religion creating a huge rift in our relationship for the rest of my life like i see my older friends getting engaged and their parents being so happy for them, and thats a moment i can never share with my dad and will always be tinged with sadness for me :/

I honestly don't know...I think that if he knew my mother knew about my choices (she does), he might split up with her :/

as for me, it could be anything from permanent silent treatment to making me move out. I don't think he would be violent, but im not entirely sure about his muslim family.

you dont know if thats true-is ur mom a muslim? and if thats truly the case just dont let him find out that ur mom actually knew

and im not saying announce it to you entire family-they dont really need to know but maybe tell your immediate family

i hope everything works out