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Boyfriend has control over me in this situation, what should i do?

My boyfriend coaches a gymnast event which ive done for years (on and off) and got quite good at it, he was my coach before he became my bf. The thing is the relationship is on and off too. He said that im 'banned' from his group last week because i dont listen and he doesnt want the others picking up bad habits. In truth it was because of an argument in the relationship but he wouldnt admit it! Then after a discussion he let me back in again, then he was annoyed at something in the relationship and i think im banned again.

The thing is, even if i persuade him to let me back in, I dont want to be under his control like this because I dont want to increase my skill, start enjoying it even more and then him suddenly saying that i cant train in his group. No one else coaches this in my area. What should i do, just quit it? I think im better at this that most other sports so would feel bad that i didnt work to my potential if i quit it but then yea like i said i dont feel i can trust my bf.

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Your boyfriend sounds like he's being extremely unprofessional. You shouldn't quit a sport you love (especially if you're good at it), I think you would regret that later. Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about this when he's not angry at you?
Try talking to him about it and expressing how you feel, it sounds as if he's being unprofessional and rather childish. If he doesn't realise that bringing relationship issues into this is wrong then maybe you could try doing your sport somewhere else?
You don't want this to hang over you and he's the one making unreasonable decisions so It may be easier to leave him and pursue your interests if he's just going to get in the way of them.

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Youve crossed the line by getting involved with your coach. In your version he comes across as manipulative and controlling. Im not sure whether he should be sleeping with his students, but then I dont know the situation. On your version if you leave the reationship he will retalliate by cutting you out of things, so you have to carry on being his gf. Your choice.

Is there a national association that you could contact who could give you advice? You dont say what country you are in. I'd find another coach and if you like it that much then look into traveling. Alternatively you could look to get him fired if he starts making sure your admission is based on what he feels your relationship is like. My instinct would be to quit or get him fired.
Reply 4
Original post by Sabertooth
Your boyfriend sounds like he's being extremely unprofessional. You shouldn't quit a sport you love (especially if you're good at it), I think you would regret that later. Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about this when he's not angry at you?


He's not a professional, he volunteers it's a sports club. I know you the idea is to be professional but it's a very informal environment lol
Reply 5
Original post by 999tigger
Youve crossed the line by getting involved with your coach. In your version he comes across as manipulative and controlling. Im not sure whether he should be sleeping with his students, but then I dont know the situation. On your version if you leave the reationship he will retalliate by cutting you out of things, so you have to carry on being his gf. Your choice.

Is there a national association that you could contact who could give you advice? You dont say what country you are in. I'd find another coach and if you like it that much then look into traveling. Alternatively you could look to get him fired if he starts making sure your admission is based on what he feels your relationship is like. My instinct would be to quit or get him fired.


I'm in the uk, there's nothing to get him fired from, he helps out and can coach who he wants to and I wouldn't do that anyway it won't solve my issue.
Original post by Anonymous
I'm in the uk, there's nothing to get him fired from, he helps out and can coach who he wants to and I wouldn't do that anyway it won't solve my issue.


So youve restricted yourself to either stay and be controlled or quit.
Reply 7
Just join another group if you like your boyfriend or break up with him.
Find a new coach, or find a new boyfriend. Hobbies and partners don't mix well in my experience :lol:
Reply 9
Original post by 999tigger
So youve restricted yourself to either stay and be controlled or quit.


Yes those are the only options. I cant even train myself by getting someone to help me get the equipment out because he likes it being put back in a certain way, there's only him that gets it out. I don't know how I get into these situations, I shouldn't have got into the relationship but I did have a secret crush on him for years and he happened to text more then ask me out.
Original post by Zargabaath
Find a new coach, or find a new boyfriend. Hobbies and partners don't mix well in my experience :lol:


There is none for adults in my area for this particular event that's the problem.
Original post by Anonymous
There is none for adults in my area for this particular event that's the problem.


If he's your boyfriend, can't he teach you one on one outside the class?
There might be less tension if there aren't other people around
I would think he's crossed the line ethically, but then you seem to be ok with that, but its led to the situation. Its dull being manipulated and controlled. id find my freedom more important tbh. Someone who abuses their position of trust ranks pretty low in my books and if you go along with it now, he will just carry on. Bad precedent.

British Gymnastics code of conduct requires:

d) Not to abuse or misuse any relationship of trust or position of power or influence.
p) Abusing any position of trust with regard to any relationships with children and or vulnerable adults


If hes not actually a professional, then what sort of qualifications does he has and why is he allowed to work with children/ young adults? Surely it would be better to be trained by a professional, even if it mean traveling somewhere?
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
He's not a professional, he volunteers it's a sports club. I know you the idea is to be professional but it's a very informal environment lol


Volunteers still have limitations on who they can get involved with (as my friend is currently finding out). Are there any oher coaches you can speak to? Personally I'd break up with him regardless because he sounds like a douche canoe and I'd rather have fond memories than let someone destroy what I love.
Original post by 999tigger
I would think he's crossed the line ethically, but then you seem to be ok with that, but its led to the situation. Its dull being manipulated and controlled. id find my freedom more important tbh. Someone who abuses their position of trust ranks pretty low in my books and if you go along with it now, he will just carry on. Bad precedent.



If hes not actually a professional, then what sort of qualifications does he has and why is he allowed to work with children/ young adults? Surely it would be better to be trained by a professional, even if it mean traveling somewhere?


Its hard to understand the culture of the club unless you go to it. He has a coaching qualification but he can decide who he wants to teach based on who has potential, who turns up regular (ive been slacking on this due to studies), who he feels is making progress/listening.

It is easy for him to abuse power because he could give one of many reasons (ie me not turning up enough) to ban me when really it could be out of anger/revenge. Another reason Im not going to complain is people there like him and it will make me look bitter. I dont want all that stress and nothing would come of it anyway.

Theres a lad among other people who he coaches who is doing really well i dont want my issues to interfere with there progress.
Get rid of him and find a new coach! Only option
Original post by Anonymous
My boyfriend coaches a gymnast event which ive done for years (on and off) and got quite good at it, he was my coach before he became my bf. The thing is the relationship is on and off too. He said that im 'banned' from his group last week because i dont listen and he doesnt want the others picking up bad habits. In truth it was because of an argument in the relationship but he wouldnt admit it! Then after a discussion he let me back in again, then he was annoyed at something in the relationship and i think im banned again.

The thing is, even if i persuade him to let me back in, I dont want to be under his control like this because I dont want to increase my skill, start enjoying it even more and then him suddenly saying that i cant train in his group. No one else coaches this in my area. What should i do, just quit it? I think im better at this that most other sports so would feel bad that i didnt work to my potential if i quit it but then yea like i said i dont feel i can trust my bf.


I think you need to establish what the 'rules' are (the coach's, or the group's) and decide whether you are willing to respect them or not. By 'rules' I include not just formal ones set out in writing but the unwritten ones that the 'coach seems to operate by- eg. 'my way or the highway' etc.

If you don't feel you can respect them, and you've tried to talk it through with him without success, then my view is that you should walk. Best of luck.
Original post by RachaelBee
Volunteers still have limitations on who they can get involved with (as my friend is currently finding out). Are there any oher coaches you can speak to? Personally I'd break up with him regardless because he sounds like a douche canoe and I'd rather have fond memories than let someone destroy what I love.


break up with him and get a new coach or join another gymnastics club x hes being way too controlling abusing power IMHO
Original post by Davide_online
I think you need to establish what the 'rules' are (the coach's, or the group's) and decide whether you are willing to respect them or not. By 'rules' I include not just formal ones set out in writing but the unwritten ones that the 'coach seems to operate by- eg. 'my way or the highway' etc.

If you don't feel you can respect them, and you've tried to talk it through with him without success, then my view is that you should walk. Best of luck.


I can respect the rules and am willing to but say if we agreed and I spent a lot of time putting in effort he could still kick me out if he wanted for any little reason say he felt angry with me due to the relationship etc, he would just state another reason such as I wasn't listening.
Original post by Anonymous
I can respect the rules and am willing to but say if we agreed and I spent a lot of time putting in effort he could still kick me out if he wanted for any little reason say he felt angry with me due to the relationship etc, he would just state another reason such as I wasn't listening.


Are you sure the 'rules' of the coaching relationship allow him to end it like this?

If so, is it reasonable, based on what you know about him (have you spoken to other people he has coached before?) to expect this outcome? Or are you just being a bit too imaginative rather than realistic? In my experience people who act as abruptly as you are considering here usually have a track record of volatile behaviour.

There's always going to be a risk in your situation, because of the obvious scope for conflict in the two relationships you are in with him. You have to decide whether you can live with that risk.

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