i think i was taken advantage of - what should i do?

On Saturday, I went to my friend's 18th and I got super drunk, to the point where my friend sat me down with a group of boys and told them to look after me. After I'd sobered up a little, I sat in the kitchen with one of them and flirted with him. I went upstairs to the toilet but he was there on the landing and pulled me into a bedroom and started kissing me. He asked me if I was a virgin, to which I replied yes, and he was about to take off my clothes before someone walked in. Later, he pulled me into the bedroom again and this time he actually took my clothes off. When he undid my jeans I grabbed his hands to stop him and I stopped kissing him, but he broke free from my grasp and carried on, saying "no no no, it's okay, don't worry". I was tense and even though I was still drunk at this stage I was worried and slightly uncomfortable, yet not sober enough to tell him to stop so I just went along with what he wanted me to do. I was perfectly fine kissing him on a bed - I didn't have an issue with that and I didn't think it would go much further. I was attracted to him and he was funny and lovely and I thought it was ok. I also, for a few days, thought that it was a good thing because he was so attractive and punching well below his weight by getting off with me. However, these last few days I've been wondering if what happened was right. I didn't say yes but maybe he assumed I did because I was kissing him back? But on the other hand, I didn't say no either and let him do things to me and allowed him to tell me what to do to him.We also didn't actually have sex - we did other sexual things but technically no sex was involved. I just feel so guilty and dirty and gross, and to make matters worse my friend whose party it was is annoyed with me, claiming I disrespected her house and our friendship by doing things in her own home, which I respect, but I feel as if I can't talk to her about it. What should I do?

Reply 1

Kindred

Original post by statechamps

I would suggest you talk to somebody about it and possibly look into reporting it if you want. Any sort of possible sexual exploitation/ abuse situation is very confusing, especially with drinking involved, and you must have a lot going on in your head. People you could talk to include: parents, teacher, counsellor (schools often have one), doctor, police, charity (not sure of specific ones, but should be googleable), pharmacist, NHS 111 or basically anybody you trust.

Obviously you were/ are not comfortable with this so it's worth talking about and working out what if any action you might want to take. At the end of the day it was only you and him there so I (or anybody else) can't tell you what it was or wasn't and if you think other people are wrong about it you follow your gut. What happened was wrong because it made you uncomfortable simple as that. You should always feel comfortable with what is happening and if you don't you have every right to insist that it stops, even if they say otherwise and if it does not stop you have every right to follow it up. It's a bit more grey from this perspective as to how much blame exists, and thats something I or anybody else can't tell you and only suggest.

Just a quick note, you can be sexually assulted/ exploited without sex (it's just rape that requires sex) and it does not have to be a verbal no for it to be wrong. Any clear suggestion that you do not want to is enough and concent can be withdrawn at any point. If you feel that you were pressured into it and/ or didn't know what was going on properly that could also count. Basically there needs to be an indication of informed concent and a lack of that concent is just the same as saying no. To me, from what you have said, it sounds like you did not give an indication on concent or did so under pressure or without understanding fully.

Nomatter what you or anybody else thinks about if he exploited you deliberately or if you should report it I suggest you talk to somebody to help you emotionally.

Reply 2

unprinted

I think there are two parts to the answer.

Original post by statechamps

On Saturday, I went to my friend's 18th and I got super drunk, to the point where my friend sat me down with a group of boys and told them to look after me. ... and to make matters worse my friend whose party it was is annoyed with me, claiming I disrespected her house and our friendship by doing things in her own home, which I respect, but I feel as if I can't talk to her about it. What should I do?

Sitting a 'super drunk' woman with a bunch of boys and telling them to 'look after' you, rather than doing it herself - WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!?

Then moaning about it when something does... it's time to get a new friend.

Original post by statechamps

When he undid my jeans I grabbed his hands to stop him and I stopped kissing him, but he broke free from my grasp and carried on, saying "no no no, it's okay, don't worry". I was tense and even though I was still drunk at this stage I was worried and slightly uncomfortable, yet not sober enough to tell him to stop so I just went along with what he wanted me to do. I was perfectly fine kissing him on a bed - I didn't have an issue with that and I didn't think it would go much further. I was attracted to him and he was funny and lovely and I thought it was ok. ... However, these last few days I've been wondering if what happened was right. I didn't say yes but maybe he assumed I did because I was kissing him back? But on the other hand, I didn't say no either and let him do things to me and allowed him to tell me what to do to him.We also didn't actually have sex - we did other sexual things but technically no sex was involved. I just feel so guilty and dirty and gross .. What should I do?

What do you want to do? In your position, I'd feel I'd been assaulted - kissing someone does not mean 'take my clothes off' never mind any other sexual stuff.

In terms of his behaviour, on the one hand, you've been happily kissing him, but on the other, you've tried to stop him removing your jeans and he knew you were seriously drunk - he was part of a group asked to look after you because you were so drunk. It's not a particularly good position to try and argue a reasonable belief in your consent to everything that happened.

Reply 3

Zarek

To be honest he sounds like a nasty piece of work and that you were taken advantage of. Whether or not you want to report it is another matter given the confusing circumstances you describe. I image drunk, partial consent, partial sexual assault cases are quite difficult and he will bring his side of the story. I would tend to opt for letting him know you feel taken advantage of and are livid. Perhaps get some advice and support about what's best to do from a young persons councellor

i think i was taken advantage of - what should i do?

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