Girl wants to "take a break" due to her anxiety. Anxiety sufferers' advice wanted!

Erm, yes, she can?

ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"

ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"

Should i just avoid contacting her at all until i get back?

The thing about anxiety is that it is unique to the individual, so we can't say for certain, but in my experience of anxiety, if you need a break from something then it could be that that something is one of the things that cause the anxiety. I agree with Rock Fan regarding breaks.

i mean, how long am i supposed to wait this out...? I don't want to spend the whole summer wondering if I will get a text from her

She said before that being in a relationship makes her anxiety worse.

Also I don't think we would have had a "break" if I wasn't going away. A few weeks back she was acting similarly (acting distant, making excuses not to meet up) and then I didn't see her for a week which was a bit odd. I think it's just because I actually asked her what was going on this time and the fact that I was going away for 2 weeks which meant a 3 week break worked out.

Erm, yes, she can?

unless she's explicitly said no contact I don't see why you can't text her in a couple of weeks saying something along the lines of 'been giving you some space but wanted to check in and see how you're feeling, let me know if I can help'

It could be that she is giving you a little bit of distance at the prospect of you going on holiday, but this is purely speculation on my part and may be completely off mark.

As for your approach to this, I am pleased to glean from your reply that you are an emotionally intelligent individual. You show a sensitivity for what she is experiencing without losing sight of the need for balance, that kind of give and take between people in love that would see your needs being met as much as hers.

Whilst I feel for your current situation, it does not overshadow my sense that no matter the outcome you will undoubtedly find someone who appreciates you for you.

My incurable romantic streak hopes she gets back to a better state of mind and you both fall madly in love.

My best wishes for what is to come and what might be.

If this is the reason, it would be easy to say that she needs to learn to deal with these things in a less dysfunctional way. The truth is, it is more accurate to acknowledge how she feels as simply a response to a situation of stress, which could and will be produced by a multitude of situations. And when I say 'simply,' it is important to acknowledge that this does not mean inconsequential or easy to fix. Mental illness is a deep rooted and complex illness that we still know little about.

It was once thought that brain chemistry caused depression and anxiety problems. This is why antidepressants are formulated around the treatment of brain chemistry and mood alteration. A more rounded appreciation is that brain chemistry is a symptom, which, effectively, makes antidepressant and anti anxiety medication as likely a cure as a plaster on the bed sore of an A.I.D.S patient.

If you had been together for a significant period and you knew, for certain, that going on holiday was the cause of her pain, then one could see justification in thinking you were being a little heartless. This does not exclude the possibility that you could capitulate and not go on holiday, but I don't see this as being the healthiest option for this young lady. Her personal growth is dependent on facing such challenges. But this entire stream of the conversion is predicated on the supposition that this is what she is upset about, and it is merely supposition.

I glad to hear that. My best wishes go out to you both.

ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"

It doesn't automatically follow that she is messing you about, and the fact that other people on here see it in that way only means they are speaking from their own experience. This then amounts to them having been hurt in the past and so in the here and now it is possible that romantic situations that doesn't have a smooth course must be dispensed with before any further pain occurs. Anyone who touched a hot kettle as a child knows not to repeat the same mistake.

This does not mean they are wrong. It only means that they ignore the truth that 95% of the time a kettle is safe to touch. This is a more mature appreciation of the model.

But this does little to solve your problem. So ask yourself, what do you want? It has been a couple of weeks at least since we chatted and you are no further forward. She hasn't tried to move the situation on and, aside from your drunken emotional outburst, neither have you. It is to be be expected that nothing has progressed.

One of my previous girlfriends told me that she thought we shouldn't see each other because I was too nice. I simply said, "ok," and stared at her. She said, "is that it, aren't you bothered," to which I pointed out that she was the one who didn't want to spend time with me and that regardless of whether I liked her or not I wouldn't stroke her ego by getting all emotional, and that I reserve my feelings for those who are worthy of them. Two days later she showed up in the pub me and my mates frequented in an all in one figure hugging body suit and ankle boots. She went right out of her way to get me back because she realised I wasn't a superficial little boy who was there to moon over her. She mistook my reserve for passivity and blandness. I took her back.

Of course, that whole relationship crashed and burned eventually because she couldn't be anything else other than what she had shown me that night. She was a very uncomplicated person with very base needs.

And much like in our previous conversation, ask yourself who are you, who is she, and what do you want?

It is not that difficult.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a few of questions, just to remind me of some details.
Where have you gone on holiday?
Is this a lads holiday?
When does it finish?
Do you both live in the same area?
Do you share a circle of friends?
Did you know her prior to dating her?
Do you know anything about her previous relationships?

The implication of the relationship ending in no way guarantees that this is the actual reason. It is possible that this man didn't want the responsibility, for whatever reason. But it is also possible that her telling him coincided with his predetermined wish to end the relationship. So this leaves us in no better position to assess whether she is looking for a serious relationship - although the caveat to this is that one can mostly say that all people will know that special someone when they come across them despite of historical protestations of being a loner.

So options as I see it at this point are:
1. She is a flake and spineless and prefers to **** people off until they dump her. Weird, but possible.

2. She is self destructive and the arbiter of everything she thinks will go wrong with her life. Tragic, but believable.

3. She is genuinely ill and is frightened of the relationship. Just an incredibly sad and painful situation for her and those around her.

4. She wants to be with you and she just needs to get past the holiday so that things can return to normal. Also tragic, but can be worked on.

5. She REALLY REALLY wants to be with you and she is using this as a way to ensure you come to heel. Very sinister, very machiavellian, very unhinged, very manipulative, very bunny boiler, very make sure she isn't fishing the condoms out of the waste bin and extracting the semen with a turkey baster in order to get pregnant kind of deranged.

6. She has no idea what she wants and is messing you about unintentionally. Fairly benign, but going nowhere.

7. Any combination of all the afore mentioned points and possibly more besides. You are completely ****ed. Get out. Get out now - unless you are a masochist, in which case hang around and enjoy the pain and suffering that will inevitably result from your tumultuous future together.

There is another point that has nothing to do with her.

I am taking you at your word. This could all be fabricated and you could be some lonely little man or woman who has no life to speak of and whose idea of a meaningful relationship is to strike up conversations with people online about completely fictitious events.

You could also be some psycho who gets his or her jollies by being incredibly cruel to your partners and then goes online and plays the part of the victim.

I would never know whether either of these points are true, and I don't have the time or interest in investigating who you are. So, I take you at your word.

All of this comes full circle. Phone her when you are sober. Have a real conversation with her, with voices and everything. Better still, wait until the holiday has ended and go and see her and tell her how you feel (without coming across as some needy, clingy, wet rag). If you feel like you can't wait that long, jump on a plane. Doing something is better than doing nothing. A text tells you precisely that because this whole communication has been about trying to derive meaning from very little information. Real human contact. Talk about things in a truthful way. Don't skirt around what needs to be said. But say what needs to be said. Someone liking something you've posted on Facebook is not a sign of romantic interest. It is merely an indication that people are so stupid and sheep like as to believe that things like that have a place in our lives.

My sister in law was discussing her recent dating problems. I asked her where she meets people and she said 'plenty of fish.' I responded, "Nooo, where do you MEET peeeopllle. You know, real people. You've seen them, I'm sure. They are those meat sacks that pass by you in the street." She laughed and said one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard a human being say. "Yeah, but, where am I going to go to meet people." Of all the tragedies, this is by far the greatest.

Before I terminate this rant I'll leave you with an unpleasant proposition. I've thought of another one:

8. She wants to sow her wild oats (jesus, I sound old) while you are away and she is trying to ease her conscience by saying (please read the following in the voice of Ross Gellar, from friends), "we were on a break."

Sorry to end on such an anxiety inducing note.

ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"

The implication of the relationship ending in no way guarantees that this is the actual reason. It is possible that this man didn't want the responsibility, for whatever reason. But it is also possible that her telling him coincided with his predetermined wish to end the relationship. So this leaves us in no better position to assess whether she is looking for a serious relationship - although the caveat to this is that one can mostly say that all people will know that special someone when they come across them despite of historical protestations of being a loner.

So options as I see it at this point are:
1. She is a flake and spineless and prefers to **** people off until they dump her. Weird, but possible.

2. She is self destructive and the arbiter of everything she thinks will go wrong with her life. Tragic, but believable.

3. She is genuinely ill and is frightened of the relationship. Just an incredibly sad and painful situation for her and those around her.

4. She wants to be with you and she just needs to get past the holiday so that things can return to normal. Also tragic, but can be worked on.

5. She REALLY REALLY wants to be with you and she is using this as a way to ensure you come to heel. Very sinister, very machiavellian, very unhinged, very manipulative, very bunny boiler, very make sure she isn't fishing the condoms out of the waste bin and extracting the semen with a turkey baster in order to get pregnant kind of deranged.

6. She has no idea what she wants and is messing you about unintentionally. Fairly benign, but going nowhere.

7. Any combination of all the afore mentioned points and possibly more besides. You are completely ****ed. Get out. Get out now - unless you are a masochist, in which case hang around and enjoy the pain and suffering that will inevitably result from your tumultuous future together.

There is another point that has nothing to do with her.

I am taking you at your word. This could all be fabricated and you could be some lonely little man or woman who has no life to speak of and whose idea of a meaningful relationship is to strike up conversations with people online about completely fictitious events.

You could also be some psycho who gets his or her jollies by being incredibly cruel to your partners and then goes online and plays the part of the victim.

I would never know whether either of these points are true, and I don't have the time or interest in investigating who you are. So, I take you at your word.

All of this comes full circle. Phone her when you are sober. Have a real conversation with her, with voices and everything. Better still, wait until the holiday has ended and go and see her and tell her how you feel (without coming across as some needy, clingy, wet rag). If you feel like you can't wait that long, jump on a plane. Doing something is better than doing nothing. A text tells you precisely that because this whole communication has been about trying to derive meaning from very little information. Real human contact. Talk about things in a truthful way. Don't skirt around what needs to be said. But say what needs to be said. Someone liking something you've posted on Facebook is not a sign of romantic interest. It is merely an indication that people are so stupid and sheep like as to believe that things like that have a place in our lives.

My sister in law was discussing her recent dating problems. I asked her where she meets people and she said 'plenty of fish.' I responded, "Nooo, where do you MEET peeeopllle. You know, real people. You've seen them, I'm sure. They are those meat sacks that pass by you in the street." She laughed and said one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard a human being say. "Yeah, but, where am I going to go to meet people." Of all the tragedies, this is by far the greatest.

Before I terminate this rant I'll leave you with an unpleasant proposition. I've thought of another one:

8. She wants to sow her wild oats (jesus, I sound old) while you are away and she is trying to ease her conscience by saying (please read the following in the voice of Ross Gellar, from friends), "we were on a break."

Sorry to end on such an anxiety inducing note.