Young Muslim Female needing some guidance in life...

Okay so I don't really know where to begin, there's times where I've really thought about things and It's happened again recently and it's made me feel down so I thought I'd ask for help since I need some answers, some guidance. Everything I've just written here I just did it all in one go trying to express everything I can clearly what's on my mind, sorry if it doesn't all make sense and for it being a long essay.. So, I've been having lots of thought about life and religion. I just feel a bit lost and confused and I don't really know how to live life. I'm not having a lot of doubts but more just questioning about life and religion. I just need to tell someone about all my thoughts and everything and hopefully get some advice too because really I don't know how to live how I should live my life…I do believe in Islam but then again maybe I don't truly believe everything, because which Muslim follows every single rule in the Quran?My religion is Islam and I'm a Muslim teenage girl. I was born into a Muslim family, all my family is Muslim, as well as my relatives and cousins etc. I was brought up with being a Muslim and following Islam. But im not really that religious or strict. My family in general isn't really either. Ever since I was young, it was the norm to go mosque after school and My brothers and sisters went but I started late until I was like 8 years old I think. But then I stopped going after like 2 years I didn't really like it much. Then after I had a teacher come to my house and read at home. Didn't like the teacher and after a while I started going to this girls house to read, she was only 2 years older than me but she'd help me read and I wasn't even on Quran that time, I still had to learn the books before that. And eventually I was on Quran and I had finished it once. But I just did all of that cause I had to, you know being brought up as Muslim you just have to do these things but I never understood things properly. Okay that was just a bit of background not that relevant,, but more to the point, I'm just struggling to be a good Muslim, it's so hard to be a good Muslim. Like I want to be the perfect Muslim, but obviously there is no such thing as being perfect. But a really good Muslim, but I don't know if I can ever do that. Hate to say it but I don't even practice at all, read the Quran or pray. I've never actually properly prayed ever in my life. Never 5 times a day. I've lied countless of times saying that I've prayed, for example when I went to mosque and I had to record when I've prayed and then get my parents to sign it but it was all fake. There are so many times I touched and read the Quran without having done wudu or I have but then it breaks… And it's because it was just so tired or lazy. And I hate myself for things looking back it. Like my childhood, I didn't really enjoy I, it wasn't that good. But that was the past, so no point dwelling on the past. But In today's age and society, living in the UK, in a western society it really is hard to be such a good Muslim. Well really it isn't hard if you just follow the rules and what the Quran says. But like, for me, I don't even pray at all, and I know I should I feel so bad but then again my family aren't actually that strict as in they don't force me to do whatever, both my parents do pray every single day and read Quran and even watch Islamic lectures, they do tell me to pray and often say it and I'm just like okay, I will or something. None of my siblings pray at all, probably just on Eid. I don't even fast properly, it's so hard to and I hate being hungry all the time. I find it really hard to keep going, and I'm underweight and I'm trying to eat more but at this time I can't. Like I have fasted many times before, but I haven't kept every single fast, like I intentionally don't fast sometimes but other times I do but I don't even pray, I just fast..and I know the obvious things that break fast but I just find it hard to not listen to music at all.. Does that really break the fast? And watching tv. And I know you shouldn't even really do those things especially during Ramadan, you should be praying and reading more..but I want to do enjoyable things too like play piano and listen to music.. It's just so hard.But just now in general every day life. We all do haram things and sin and we do it knowingly it as well. As in, I love listening to music and all things music, Ive taken piano lessons and I still learn to play the piano, and I want to become really good at playing piano. Like if I actually had to live without music, I'd find it hard and life would be boring. Can't I do things I like to, as well as trying to do good things. It's so hard to explain what I'm really thinking and you probably don't understand properly what I'm trying to get at because really I don't really understand either. Music is haram, forbidden yet many of us listen to it and engage in music activity. I know if I wanted to be a really good Muslim, you shouldn't be doing this but I just can't give it up like, all my life I've been brought up in the western society and now just music is a part of everyday life. I intentionally listen to music and spend time doing it, and I know it's actually in the book of Quran a waste of time but it's so hard to not do this, it's a part of me. And there's just so many other big and little things that I do that isn't really liked but it's just a part of my life. Like, I just can't explain it well it's really frustrating me right now. I'm such a bad Muslim, I intentionally don't pray,, but I know I shouldn't but All the things I should do is what I'm meant to do as a Muslim, it's more about following the duty rather than doing it because you want to and not because you have to. What I'm trying to say is I want to have the want to do these things to be a better Muslim not just do it for the sake of doing these things so I can be seen as better Muslim…. Don't know if that makes sense.The main thing is I want to be that perfect Muslim.. But I know I can't. Like I don't wear a hijab, or any religious clothing at all, only if I was go pray etc. I don’t know why but Ive always never worn a scarf and don’t intend to because I've never had, like That is just how I am now. My hair is always out but that's just the decision I made, like if someone told me to wear a scarf I wouldn't want to. But then when I think about people wearing a scarf, it's good to but then What's the point of wearing a scarf if we do bad things anyway?But like I don't know I just don't wear a scarf and haven't thought about wearing one and I guess that is my personal choice, but can I still be a good Muslim not wearing a scarf in public? Theres just so many problems, how can I be truly happy when I know I'm not being the perfect Muslim. The problem is that I want to please others, but really I should just do what pleases God, but everything that I do most of the stuff I just don't. I jus don't even know what Im saying, nothing is coming clear, I just feel really frustrated and I feel down. Questioning and thinking about my faith really gets me down I don't want to be like this. Life is just so hard I'm struggling, what is the purpose of life? That is to get into heaven right? And to get into heaven ones good deeds must overweigh the bad deeds right? So Shall I just try to do as many good things as I can, and even I do bad things, knowing ad unknowingly, as long as I try my best to do good and have good intentions that's what counts right? I just don't know what I'm living for anymore, What to do. I just want to be at a good path.. But what I do in life, does it matter what I do as long as I'm happy? Surely God would want us to be happy with whatever we do in life, as long as I am still trying to be a good Muslim, at the same time. Like we do bad things, but also good things to make up for it.. It's just such a struggle. Like lots of Muslim girls, pluck their eyebrows too, and it's haram but they still do it anyway. And it does look good when people do that, and I'm thinking should I do it too? Because what's the point, we do other bad things anyway like listening to music. Also, as long as we don't do any of he major sins, like drinking alcohol, and we try our best to avoid he minor sins, and do the best good things we can.. Is that okay? I know, God have us free will but At the same time he gave us the Quran. And we're meant to follow all the rules.. But it's like I'm choosing to follow some and others not.. And at some point in my life I've started becoming more aware of what I eat and I always check the ingredients, because there are so many haram ingredients in foods but sometimes there are times when we just eat things and we don't know for certain whether it's completely halal or not. I mean I try my best to make sure everything I eat is halal, and if it's it then it can't be my fault entirely, it's to like I'm intentionally choosing to eat it, it's impossible to know whether anything is truly halal or not.. So yeah.. Also why do I have so many desires and habits that are bad and go against what we shouldn't do. I hate it, it becomes a cycle I have so many bad habits. Even though I don't pray right now, I hope that one Day I start but I feel like I'll never be able to pray 5 times a day. I do pray to Allah in my head whenever I need help and I do remember Allah and think about just in general almost all the time. But, I'm just so lazy in life right now and ugh I'm not a good human being. I'm just so lost, I I really don't know what to do as a Muslim living in this corrupted world..but no it's not like I'm not considering changing faiths or just not being a Muslim anymore, even though I've thought about if I wasn't a Muslim. Life would be easier cos I can do whatever I want..but still that is such a sin and the people who've done it and became ex Muslim I don't understand why. But then again it's not my life. I've just been brought into the world as a Muslim, but I don't even know a lot about Islam, like all the times I've read learning Quran, we just read it without even knowing what it means? What's the point then? There are English translations, but it's hard to understand because the English used is a bit different. I've just been rambling on and on, nothing is clear to me and I feel so hopeless right now.There's so many more issues and concerns I can't think clear enough to put it in words. There's also so many things in life I don't understand and things that I never will…and just want to change and become better, but I don't know how to start and it's so hard.

If you can't give a solid answer then it might be Satan poisoning your mind.

I'm speechless.

That's what my Mum describes it.

Ok this is going to be long but with paragraphs so dw lol.

Listen to nasheeds, trust me, listen to it daily. Try to pray once a day and then continue. I see this as a test from Allah and I think most people have been through it but you need to make a connection with Allah, it'll do you good. Do you have a lot of dreams about Heaven and Hell? I did and I kept on seeing myself go to Hell and I saw scary things and I told people and they said it was a sign. Think to yourself as to why you can't do things? If you can't give a solid answer then it might be Satan poisoning your mind. It may sound stupid but trust me on this one. Ramadan is coming up so this is the best time to do this.

Forget about people for a minute, and think about yourself and Allah. You're here as a slave of Allah. Do you want to go to Hell? I think not. Read the Quran in English and you'll realize how scary life can be. I mean, all the Quran is a book filled with stories that are going to help Muslims through life. And remember, this life is a test, the result is coming.

PS. This might be really all over the place

What benevolent God would send anyone to eternal torture for not meeting His 'standards'? "A slave of Allah"? Life isn't scary, people like you are.

I've been called scary before but usually because I give a killer stare lmao. But maybe I wrote that wrong, we should TRY and meet the standards of Allah. I am not perfect Muslim but I'm trying and it's a long process.

Think of it like this, if we continuously sin despite knowing it's bad, should we be rewarded? Like really?

Rewarded? Perhaps not. Sent to eternal pain and suffering? Absolutely not.

It's completely unbeknownst to me how people can worship a God who - as far as I can see - preaches hate, skewed exceptionalism and mass oppression on women, homosexuals and non-Muslims.

You sound like a nice person, so I'm not going to attack you for your ill-minded comments. However, being a nice person is about being tolerant, decent and accepting of other people. More than anything, I want people to be happy. From what I can see, people like you live in a state of superstition - scared about eternal consequences and terrified to disrespect almighty God.

Think of it like this, if we continuously sin despite knowing it's bad, should we be rewarded? Like really?

I prefer to be happy. I don't care if I have to sin for that.

Heaven and Hell don't exist anyway.

I prefer to be happy. I don't care if I have to sin for that.

Heaven and Hell don't exist anyway.