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>OP You wanted impartial advice so here is mine.
First, since we don't know this girl there is no way for us to judge whether she is a truthful, trustworthy person or not. So, the first thing I would recommend is to verify that she is in fact pregnant. Stranger things have happened. If she is pregnant and determined to keep the baby you really need to go to your parents and ask their advice on how to approach this. I hope they can be there for you. You are heading into your third year at uni but so is the girl (not sure what year) does she want to give up her education for a baby? You've made it clear you don't. Abortion is an option but help this girl to see that adoption is a really good viable option as well! Maybe for personal reasons abortion isn't something she can do (does that weigh into her decision to keep it) but with adoption she (and you) can select the type of adoption. So many great couples, who are ready to be parents, would be thrilled to raise the baby. Open adoption is great in that the birth mom (and I'm sure dad if he wants) can know how the child is doing, receive updates and in some cases be an active part of the child's life. In that situation you both can finish uni, get established, and be prepared for when you are ready to have children.
Who knows if this girl got pregnant while on the pill, it does happen!! You don't KNOW that she lied. Take it from me I was a surprise! I was the unplanned for fourth child...... my parents were done having kids (or so they thought) after three. They were using birth control.
You know this girl, you know her character, you probably have a good sense of if she is someone who is truthful or someone you can see being deceitful. But, if you think she's the truthful girl then be there for her.... she's scared out of her mind! Definitely work through this with her, in these early days at least, even if it means you ultimately don't want to be part of the baby's life.
In theory you did nothing wrong.... you thought she was on the pill. Now you, and every guy reading this thread, knows that ultimately it is up to you to protect yourself. Pregnancy and certainly STI are possible on the pill.
I don't know legally/financially what responsibility you have if you claim you want no part of the baby and walk away. It may be that easy..... I just don't know. Lastly, if she does decide to keep the baby and is demanding support from you then I'd encourage you to have paternity test done upon the baby's birth, again to verify.
**My advice: verify pregnancy, strongly consider and encourage adoption over her keeping the baby or abortion (just my opinion), be open with your family and let them help you through this, be there for her during these early days while you both figure out what to do, never engage in sex (until you're ready for potential fatherhood) w/ out protecting yourself. Sex with a condom may not be ideal but it is a whole lot better than receiving the "I'm pregnant" call., verify paternity.
Sorry this is so long..... I know you feel terrible, trapped and angry. Sorry you're having to deal with this. Good Luck.
P.S. I know this because my brother went through this a few years ago.
First, since we don't know this girl there is no way for us to judge whether she is a truthful, trustworthy person or not. So, the first thing I would recommend is to verify that she is in fact pregnant. Stranger things have happened. If she is pregnant and determined to keep the baby you really need to go to your parents and ask their advice on how to approach this. I hope they can be there for you. You are heading into your third year at uni but so is the girl (not sure what year) does she want to give up her education for a baby? You've made it clear you don't. Abortion is an option but help this girl to see that adoption is a really good viable option as well! Maybe for personal reasons abortion isn't something she can do (does that weigh into her decision to keep it) but with adoption she (and you) can select the type of adoption. So many great couples, who are ready to be parents, would be thrilled to raise the baby. Open adoption is great in that the birth mom (and I'm sure dad if he wants) can know how the child is doing, receive updates and in some cases be an active part of the child's life. In that situation you both can finish uni, get established, and be prepared for when you are ready to have children.
Who knows if this girl got pregnant while on the pill, it does happen!! You don't KNOW that she lied. Take it from me I was a surprise! I was the unplanned for fourth child...... my parents were done having kids (or so they thought) after three. They were using birth control.
You know this girl, you know her character, you probably have a good sense of if she is someone who is truthful or someone you can see being deceitful. But, if you think she's the truthful girl then be there for her.... she's scared out of her mind! Definitely work through this with her, in these early days at least, even if it means you ultimately don't want to be part of the baby's life.
In theory you did nothing wrong.... you thought she was on the pill. Now you, and every guy reading this thread, knows that ultimately it is up to you to protect yourself. Pregnancy and certainly STI are possible on the pill.
I don't know legally/financially what responsibility you have if you claim you want no part of the baby and walk away. It may be that easy..... I just don't know. Lastly, if she does decide to keep the baby and is demanding support from you then I'd encourage you to have paternity test done upon the baby's birth, again to verify.
**My advice: verify pregnancy, strongly consider and encourage adoption over her keeping the baby or abortion (just my opinion), be open with your family and let them help you through this, be there for her during these early days while you both figure out what to do, never engage in sex (until you're ready for potential fatherhood) w/ out protecting yourself. Sex with a condom may not be ideal but it is a whole lot better than receiving the "I'm pregnant" call., verify paternity.
Sorry this is so long..... I know you feel terrible, trapped and angry. Sorry you're having to deal with this. Good Luck.
P.S. I know this because my brother went through this a few years ago.
(edited 7 years ago)
Just letting you know, while it is perfectly possible that she planned this, there are also foods/medicines and even teas which stop the pill from working if you take the at the same time. It happens in the news a lot actually. So it is possible it was a pure accident.
But be responsible. Yes you feel tricked, but you weren't using a condom and you should have been. The pill is not fool proof and you just took her word for it. How did you even know she was taking it? It's very easy to just you are without any proof. If you're going to cut her off, be aware that's a permanent decision and if you somewhere in the future decide you want to see your child, she doesn't have to let you as you have abandoned her. You need to find out if she's actually pregnant. Again, you haven't asked for proof. And how do you know it's yours?
But be responsible. Yes you feel tricked, but you weren't using a condom and you should have been. The pill is not fool proof and you just took her word for it. How did you even know she was taking it? It's very easy to just you are without any proof. If you're going to cut her off, be aware that's a permanent decision and if you somewhere in the future decide you want to see your child, she doesn't have to let you as you have abandoned her. You need to find out if she's actually pregnant. Again, you haven't asked for proof. And how do you know it's yours?
I am sorry for your situation OP. I guess someone has to be the horrible warning. I think Hopefully above has given you some great advice. I would add that you should also get an STD checkup. You have been having sex without a condom, and your Fbuddy could have been anywhere in the past or in between.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Original post by Anonymous
What's happened is that she lied to me.
If she had told me she wasn't on the pill, which she obviously didn't, I would have of course either refrained or gotten protection. I was oblivious to the fact she wasn't on it, which leads me to believe it was planned.
Why are you attacking me and making it seem like she isn't in the wrong at all? I'm asking for impartial advice here.
If she had told me she wasn't on the pill, which she obviously didn't, I would have of course either refrained or gotten protection. I was oblivious to the fact she wasn't on it, which leads me to believe it was planned.
Why are you attacking me and making it seem like she isn't in the wrong at all? I'm asking for impartial advice here.
You do realise the pill isn't 100% effective and They are easy to forget. Take some responsibility and man up, you are as much to blame as she is. Quite clearly you don't deserve to be a dad with that attitude.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Never trust a girl. I have learnt this the hard way. Not quite as hard as you though.
Original post by Anonymous
How have I ****ed it lol? She's the one who didn't take the pill!
Your the one who didnt wrap it up. - The pill is NOT 100% and (you have said nothing apart from your own somewhat understandable woe is me) act to indicate she lied.
Stop dodging responsibility and stand up and be counted. your about to be a father
Sometimes contraception fails, maybe she just forgot to take the pill one time. I know you're worried but don't take it out on her, she probably wasn't lying to you she's just a human who made a mistake.
Really, I think that you have a choice as much as she does.
Really, I think that you have a choice as much as she does.
Original post by Anonymous
She takes most of the blame.
I'm not going to stay with her.
She tricked me into all this... I'm sure she planned it too. If she hadn't she would've told me she wasn't on it - and don't tell me "maybe she forgot" because she's been on the pill since day 1.
I'm not going to stay with her.
She tricked me into all this... I'm sure she planned it too. If she hadn't she would've told me she wasn't on it - and don't tell me "maybe she forgot" because she's been on the pill since day 1.
You still couldve used your own protection!
Thats just asshatery. Just like so many other giys, gets a girl pregnant, cant deal with the fact you didnt use protection and now youre ****ing off! Be a man and stay with her!
You dont know that for certain. But can you fully trust her, no.
I never said that so dont tell me that!
Make your mind up!
Nobody has mentioned that it may or may not be true. The story could be a complete fantasy by the OP or the girl.
Agree with the others that the OP has no way of knowing , just a supsicion she lied, but there are perfectly normal reasons why the pill might not have worked or she forgot to take it. If she was the type of girl who might trap the other person via deliberate unplanned pregnancy, then the OP has poor character judgement and should have found out more about her before he got down to shagging.
Nothing stopped the OP using a condom for his own protection. If you shag someone then its naive to think there isnt a risk and a chance of pregnancy.
99% effective still means someone somewhere is getting pregnant. Things happen.
As it is, its happened. The OP might want to pay for genetic testing to make sure its his.
The idea of just deleting her is cowardly and ridiculous. She will be able to track you down to Uni and presumably the OPs bame is known to her? If the baby does belong to the OP, then he was grown up enough to shag her so he should be a grown up and take responsibility.
She cant put the ops name on the birth certificate without consent.
She can contact the CSA and they can ask the OP (or if he refuses the court) to take a DNA test to prove paternity. He wont have any option, but to take one if they get a court order. It's about £300, but theres a possible exemption. The CSA cant order you to pay anything until they have the DNA test, but if it is positive then payments can be backdated.
Its pretty poor form for not taking responsibiliy for a child you create. The best you can do is to put your side saying you dont want the child and for her to consider a termination, but it's her body and her choice.
Agree with the others that the OP has no way of knowing , just a supsicion she lied, but there are perfectly normal reasons why the pill might not have worked or she forgot to take it. If she was the type of girl who might trap the other person via deliberate unplanned pregnancy, then the OP has poor character judgement and should have found out more about her before he got down to shagging.
Nothing stopped the OP using a condom for his own protection. If you shag someone then its naive to think there isnt a risk and a chance of pregnancy.
99% effective still means someone somewhere is getting pregnant. Things happen.
As it is, its happened. The OP might want to pay for genetic testing to make sure its his.
The idea of just deleting her is cowardly and ridiculous. She will be able to track you down to Uni and presumably the OPs bame is known to her? If the baby does belong to the OP, then he was grown up enough to shag her so he should be a grown up and take responsibility.
She cant put the ops name on the birth certificate without consent.
She can contact the CSA and they can ask the OP (or if he refuses the court) to take a DNA test to prove paternity. He wont have any option, but to take one if they get a court order. It's about £300, but theres a possible exemption. The CSA cant order you to pay anything until they have the DNA test, but if it is positive then payments can be backdated.
Its pretty poor form for not taking responsibiliy for a child you create. The best you can do is to put your side saying you dont want the child and for her to consider a termination, but it's her body and her choice.
Original post by Anonymous
How can you even claim my actions are worse?
She's the one who lied, SHE's the one who got us into this situation in the first place, SHE's the one who planned this pregnancy without opening up about it to me, I'M the one who is now stuck in a hole.
"Learn to read" is the single most condescending thing you can say to someone. If he hasn't read something you've written maybe you can't write.
She's the one who lied, SHE's the one who got us into this situation in the first place, SHE's the one who planned this pregnancy without opening up about it to me, I'M the one who is now stuck in a hole.
"Learn to read" is the single most condescending thing you can say to someone. If he hasn't read something you've written maybe you can't write.
You don't know if she lied or planned this though do you ? If she is at University why would she want to get pregnant at this stage anyway ? Just because she wants to keep it (which could be for any number of personal reasons) doesn't mean it is part of a master plan.
I understand that you are upset and in shock but assuming the worst about the girl isn't going to make things any easier.
As many others have said the pill is not 100% effective- and although 99% sounds like good odds that means it fails for 1 in a hundred people which is a lot when you consider the number of people on the pill. If she was unwell, or sick or even ate something it could cause it to not work.
You should have used a condom as given this was a FWB relationship you should have taken some responsibility for avoiding both pregnancy and STD.
You need to talk to her and stay calm. You can explain that you do not want to be a father and that if she goes ahead you do not want to be involved so that she knows what she is committing herself to if she goes ahead. DO not try and force her into an abortion if she doesn't want one.
If she does go ahead however you can not just wash your hands of your child- even if your name doesn't go on the birth certificate you will still have financial responsibilities so you should visit Citizens Advise to see what you position is.
IN the end you have to accept some responsibility in all of this and stop just blaming her- if you don't want to get someone pregnant wear a condom- or live with the consequences
First off, the Pill is like 99% effective - so, if 100 women take it correctly for a year, one of those women will become pregnant. And, there are various factors that can impact its effectiveness (like an upset stomach, or certain other medications). Given the fact that it's perfectly possible that she did in fact become pregnant while on the Pill, I'd give it a rest with the "she's obviously a lying liar who lies" until and unless evidence presents itself that she was untruthful about taking it. It's not really helping anything.
Secondly, if she does indeed go ahead with the pregnancy, it makes no difference whatsoever whether or not you are named on the birth certificate; you'd still have a degree of financial responsibility for the child. If you don't agree on that between you, she can ask the Child Maintenance Service to intervene. If you deny being the father, a DNA test can be requested or the courts can be asked to make a decision.
You are perfectly entitled to decide you don't want to be part of your child's life (although I would encourage you not to do this), but things will go much more smoothly if you can start out from a base of being civil towards her.
Secondly, if she does indeed go ahead with the pregnancy, it makes no difference whatsoever whether or not you are named on the birth certificate; you'd still have a degree of financial responsibility for the child. If you don't agree on that between you, she can ask the Child Maintenance Service to intervene. If you deny being the father, a DNA test can be requested or the courts can be asked to make a decision.
You are perfectly entitled to decide you don't want to be part of your child's life (although I would encourage you not to do this), but things will go much more smoothly if you can start out from a base of being civil towards her.
Original post by Anonymous
What's happened is that she lied to me.
If she had told me she wasn't on the pill, which she obviously didn't, I would have of course either refrained or gotten protection. I was oblivious to the fact she wasn't on it, which leads me to believe it was planned.
Why are you attacking me and making it seem like she isn't in the wrong at all? I'm asking for impartial advice here.
If she had told me she wasn't on the pill, which she obviously didn't, I would have of course either refrained or gotten protection. I was oblivious to the fact she wasn't on it, which leads me to believe it was planned.
Why are you attacking me and making it seem like she isn't in the wrong at all? I'm asking for impartial advice here.
Lesson learned: Always use two forms of protection (at least one you definitely know about such as a condom or patch) to ensure no foetus begins to grow inside your sex interest.
Original post by Anonymous
So I've been seeing this girl L for the last 4 to 5 months. We usually go on a small "date" and then head back to hers for some fun.
We told eachother we wouldn't get in contact other than for sex or setting up the "date".
She got in contact yesterday evening to say that she's pregnant and has been for 2 weeks. Wth!?
She was meant to be on the pill, so she has clearly lied to me... now she's telling me she wants to keep it and wants me in her life as the father.
I'm 21, I'm not cut out to be a dad quite yet... I've got my career in mind and I'm not mature enough either.
I don't know what to do from here?
We told eachother we wouldn't get in contact other than for sex or setting up the "date".
She got in contact yesterday evening to say that she's pregnant and has been for 2 weeks. Wth!?
She was meant to be on the pill, so she has clearly lied to me... now she's telling me she wants to keep it and wants me in her life as the father.
I'm 21, I'm not cut out to be a dad quite yet... I've got my career in mind and I'm not mature enough either.
I don't know what to do from here?
The pill actually has a fairly high failure rate unless taken exactly properly which is hard to do. If you aren't ready to accept the possible consequences of sex, you shouldn't really be having it...
Original post by Anonymous
She was meant to be on the pill, so she has clearly lied to me... now she's telling me she wants to keep it and wants me in her life as the father.
She was meant to be on the pill, so she has clearly lied to me... now she's telling me she wants to keep it and wants me in her life as the father.
This is why you pullout smh.
On a more serious note, it's why I advise using 2 forms of protection (and why stay away from super religious girls or girls that believe abortion is murder)
Original post by natninja
. If you aren't ready to accept the possible consequences of sex, you shouldn't really be having it...
Stupidest thing I've ever read. You're essentially saying no one should have consensual, protective sex unless they can handle having a baby.
Original post by Persipan
you'd still have a degree of financial responsibility for the child. If you don't agree on that between you, she can ask the Child Maintenance Service to intervene. If you deny being the father, a DNA test can be requested or the courts can be asked to make a decision.
.
.
I hate how this rule is implemented. If I don't want the child and the girl has the financial means to pay for it then why the hell am i providing financial support? She would've been the one who went against my wishes and had the baby. And what about when she finds another partner? Now she's being supported by 2 guys.
Child support is so incredibly flawed it's disgusting. It angers me whenever I see stories of a guy having to pay a woman £2000+ a month. We all know there's no way all that money is being used on the kid. It's even worse when it comes to football players who potentially pay collosal amounts in child support. The baby alone doesn't need an additional 100k a year to live a comfortable life. Keep in mind that the point of child support is for the baby and not for the mothers rich lifestyle.
They either need a complete revamp of how it works or they should get rid of it. Because right now it just ****s guys (or in some cases, girls) over. Maybe if the girl knew she couldn't support the kid alone she shouldn't have opened her legs then refused to have an abortion.
In theory it's a great concept but it's so lazily done. I mean for gods sake. Why would they base it on income BEFORE tax?? The guy wouldn't even see a lot of that income in the first place. There's so much about it that makes no sense. The person receiving it isn't required to prove that it's only being used on the child either.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
So I've been seeing this girl L for the last 4 to 5 months. We usually go on a small "date" and then head back to hers for some fun.
We told eachother we wouldn't get in contact other than for sex or setting up the "date".
She got in contact yesterday evening to say that she's pregnant and has been for 2 weeks. Wth!?
She was meant to be on the pill, so she has clearly lied to me... now she's telling me she wants to keep it and wants me in her life as the father.
I'm 21, I'm not cut out to be a dad quite yet... I've got my career in mind and I'm not mature enough either.
I don't know what to do from here?
We told eachother we wouldn't get in contact other than for sex or setting up the "date".
She got in contact yesterday evening to say that she's pregnant and has been for 2 weeks. Wth!?
She was meant to be on the pill, so she has clearly lied to me... now she's telling me she wants to keep it and wants me in her life as the father.
I'm 21, I'm not cut out to be a dad quite yet... I've got my career in mind and I'm not mature enough either.
I don't know what to do from here?
LOL.
if this is true....LOL
It's your kid fam you need to take care of it. It doesn't matter who's fault it is. You now have a child and that is on you and the mother. Plus is there any evidence that she is even pregnant?
Original post by Anonymous
How can you even claim my actions are worse?
She's the one who lied, SHE's the one who got us into this situation in the first place, SHE's the one who planned this pregnancy without opening up about it to me, I'M the one who is now stuck in a hole.
.
She's the one who lied, SHE's the one who got us into this situation in the first place, SHE's the one who planned this pregnancy without opening up about it to me, I'M the one who is now stuck in a hole.
.
You're acting like a victim when you have no reason to, because you've jumped to the conclusion that she wants to pin you down and has decieved you. This may turn out to be the case, but cutting off contact with her like an insulent child and not enquiring further isn't the way to go about this. Essentially you dont understand whats happened on her end, and you need to ask her if she lied and if so explain that you have no interest in being in the childs life.
Lets say the pill was ineffective, if i were in her situation and got accidentally knocked up i would want to have some support from the father emotionally, its just common decency. Either way you need to re establish communication and figure out whats happened
Original post by Anonymous
That's mental. Can't believe some women are capable of doing such a heinous thing.
I haven't told either of my parents about this just yet. I'm also entering my third year at University after the summer and I hope this doesn't mess up the arrangements I have with my room mates...
I don't want the kid, but it seems like I'm going to be locked down with it.
I haven't told either of my parents about this just yet. I'm also entering my third year at University after the summer and I hope this doesn't mess up the arrangements I have with my room mates...
I don't want the kid, but it seems like I'm going to be locked down with it.
OK, just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she 'lied' about taking about being on the pill. I mean, that could be possible, but you know that all contraceptives are not a 100% effective, yeah?
At this point, there isn't much you can do, because as much as you would want to be pointing fingers, both of you are to be blamed. So, try looking at it from a more optimistic perspective..which I guess is easier said than done but you'll get through it. Most people get through it.
And plus, it gives you an opportunity to grow as a person.
The pill isn't 100%, just saying.
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