The Student Room Group

Cheated on my GF of 2 years with an old flame.

I understand that cheating is wrong and take full responsibility for my actions and make no excuses for it, I just couldn't physically or emotionally help myself.

I'm away in France for the next 2 months on a summer job in Biarritz. On the third day I bumped into an old flame I used to see - she's spending a month here with her family. I was startled, we hadn't seen each other for over 2 years (we cut contact).

I asked her to this bar I'm semi-helping out with and we spent 6 hours together(!!) from 8pm to 2am. We didn't sleep together then.

The next day I got a text from her asking me to meet her in the city centre by the church. I headed over there and she was just jaw-dropping - white dress, beautiful hair, brilliant smile and peachy-red lipstick. We went for a walk round town and ended up at this auberge where we had lunch. I couldn't keep my eyes of her, and it seemed she couldn't too. She kept asking about what had been going on, what I was up to, that she got through to her final year at University in Paris, that her mum is finally getting better and that she had no idea why we cut contact.

By the time we left it was round 6:30pm, so we started to head back to the hotel/casino. It was quite a silent walk back I must say, but I could feel the tension between us, the looks we were making, the cute smiles...

I asked if I could sit down (I've got breathing issues from a recent illness). She sat down next to me and we ended up making out quite... passionately.

I'm not going to go into anymore details, but we did end up sleeping together.


I realise I've got to tell my GF sooner rather than later, but she's not here and I do kind of want to tell her in person so she isn't confused or whatever.

I don't know what's goingto happen between me and my old flame, but yeah...



Any sound advice?

Scroll to see replies

Don't say anything to your girlfriend back home. She will not understand and will dump you!
I'd tell her now.
If she breaks up with you then you kinda deserve it, friend.
If she's understanding and doesnt break up with you, thats good because you get the weight off your chest and it means she's committed to you.

OR she ends up finding out a few months from now and you're double f*cked
Bet she was a right waxy one, right? :wink:
Difficult. it struck me you arent full of remorse, but more excited anout the old flame. Did you bother to tell her you had a gf?
You cheated, which is either a sign you cnat be trusted or you dont really care about your gf.
Wait till after her exams pr maybe after her results, then tell her. Id expect she would have no choice but to dump you as you deserve.
You could ofc not tell her at all, then you would have to keep it a secret forever, which is a bit dull and spineless.

Not sure it would make much diffrence if you shaged your new gf until you leave.
Reply 5
Original post by toohottohandle
Don't say anything to your girlfriend back home. She will not understand and will dump you!


I'm going to have to dump her myself. I can't go on like this with two girls chasing me, especially when I don't love my GF the way I love my flame.
Reply 6
Original post by BirdIsWord
I'd tell her now.
If she breaks up with you then you kinda deserve it, friend.
If she's understanding and doesnt break up with you, thats good because you get the weight off your chest and it means she's committed to you.

OR she ends up finding out a few months from now and you're double f*cked


I'm going to break up with her myself, I can't go on in a relationship with her based on my feelings for the flame.

I'm not going to be a knob and lead her on.
Reply 7
Original post by 999tigger
Difficult. it struck me you arent full of remorse, but more excited anout the old flame. Did you bother to tell her you had a gf?
You cheated, which is either a sign you cnat be trusted or you dont really care about your gf.
Wait till after her exams pr maybe after her results, then tell her. Id expect she would have no choice but to dump you as you deserve.
You could ofc not tell her at all, then you would have to keep it a secret forever, which is a bit dull and spineless.

Not sure it would make much diffrence if you shaged your new gf until you leave.


Well I'm still overcome with the excitement of seeing her again. We lost contact two years ago following something incredibly stupid, so of course I'm happy. I had no idea she felt this way about me.

I didn't bring up the fact I had a GF, but at that point I was as good as single.

I do care about my GF, that's why I'm not going to lead her on and I'm going to break up with her without her having to find out by herself.

I'll definitely wait for her to finish her exams and I'll have to meet at hers or somewhere a bit more private (not too far from hers) to end it.

I don't know whether I should explain that I've met someone or that someone's come back in my life or anything... I don't really know what's the softer option.
Reply 8
two choices;

1] Tell her and suffer the inevitable wrath of her

2] lie and suffer from that because she'll probably find out eventually anyway

either way you're boned.. should have kept your pistol in your pants kid.
Original post by Anonymous
Well I'm still overcome with the excitement of seeing her again. We lost contact two years ago following something incredibly stupid, so of course I'm happy. I had no idea she felt this way about me.

I didn't bring up the fact I had a GF, but at that point I was as good as single.

I do care about my GF, that's why I'm not going to lead her on and I'm going to break up with her without her having to find out by herself.

I'll definitely wait for her to finish her exams and I'll have to meet at hers or somewhere a bit more private (not too far from hers) to end it.

I don't know whether I should explain that I've met someone or that someone's come back in my life or anything... I don't really know what's the softer option.


I like the you were as good as single line. Your posts just come across that you are excited you have a new gf and no regrets.
Original post by Napp
two choices;

1] Tell her and suffer the inevitable wrath of her

2] lie and suffer from that because she'll probably find out eventually anyway

either way you're boned.. should have kept your pistol in your pants kid.


I'm not going to go into detail, but I'm going to just break up with her after her exams - hopefully either at house or somewhere private and close by.

I'll just tell her that I'm not interested in pursuing the relationship any further and I need some time and space.
Original post by desdemonata
There is a lesson to be learned here. You say you won't make excuses for yourself, but you do:


I just knew someone would point that out.

Sure it could be classified as an excuse, but in my defence it's the truth. I couldn't contain myself. I hadn't seen her for so long, there were still strong mutual feelings and I'm just really, really attracted to her. I'm still extremely drawn to her and the fact it was a surprise meet up only strengthened it.


Original post by desdemonata

You could have. You could have avoided all this by not inviting your "old flame" to that bar and hanging out for so long, and by not meeting up with her the next day. Next time you are in a situation like this, try to recognise when you are in dangerous waters and need to back off, because the closer you get to temptation, the harder it is to resist.


I could've, probably, but I couldn't. The temptation was already too strong when we first met. When I realised the feelings were mutual I went into autopilot.

Original post by desdemonata

It is also generally a bad idea to hang out with old flames. Be more cautious in future.


I couldn't turn her down, not her.
Original post by 999tigger
I like the you were as good as single line. Your posts just come across that you are excited you have a new gf and no regrets.


I don't want to come off as callous. I just can't go on with my current GF with the feelings - they'd end up destroying the relationship anyhow. I wouldn't be fully committed any longer.

She's not a new GF just yet... I want us to spend time together, catch on the 2 years and let things develop how they're meant to.
Reply 13
Original post by Anonymous
I'm not going to go into detail, but I'm going to just break up with her after her exams - hopefully either at house or somewhere private and close by.

I'll just tell her that I'm not interested in pursuing the relationship any further and I need some time and space.


Props for that albeit id tell her what happened if you intend on keeping any form of friendship with her as if she finds out what happened later...
Original post by Napp
Props for that albeit id tell her what happened if you intend on keeping any form of friendship with her as if she finds out what happened later...


Well that's up to her if she would want to remain friends. I don't know if she'd want to know much of it, it might hurt her even more.
don't sweat it either way. these things happen. you may rekindle your love for your other girlfriend yet (the one you didn't sleep with)!
Original post by desdemonata
None of this is an excuse either. Not having seen someone in so long and ostensibly having moved on and gotten into a new relationship should mean that you should have more self-control than being immediately "lost" as soon as you see your old flame. "Not her" shows you never really moved on and frankly shows you shouldn't have been with your gf anyway. Past a certain age, when relationships begin to get serious, your partner should be number 1, over any past flames, no exceptions, or you should not be with them anyway.

You knew someone would bring it up because you know it's true. You're trying to minimise all this as "autopilot" but for 6 hours you consciously chose to go deeper into the rabbit hole by not leaving. When she messaged you to meet up, when you had been away from her awhile and should have taken that chance to assess the situation and how you had reacted (and ideally decided not to be unfaithful to your girlfriend :h: ), you should have realised that you should have turned down any future chances of seeing her. If you knew straight away that she had "power over you", then you have no excuse for not taking that time and space as the opportunity to distance yourself.

Don't you try to pin this on just her pretty face and your history. This is on you. Take responsibility for your actions. You are in control of your body and your choices.

Curious, did you tell this old flame you had a girlfriend?


And I put my hands up to all that, I shouldn't have let myself go - but I did and it happened. Nothing I can do about it now.

I've got to face the music with my GF, I've got to break up with her, I've got to let her choose what she wants to do from there.

I didn't speak about it here, but it's dawned on me that I was falling out of love with my current GF. I was already somewhat detached. I didn't move on for my old flame, how could I fully move on from someone so special?

I cut contact with her to help me, which it did to an extent, but emotions don't just disappear with those kinds of people. My old flame and I had 5 years of history.


So, again, I've taken full responsibility for this, but it is what it is and I must do what I must do.
Original post by john2054
don't sweat it either way. these things happen. you may rekindle your love for your other girlfriend yet (the one you didn't sleep with)!


For my current one?

I don't want to rekindle anything with her, I'm going to break up with her. I can't go any further in the relationship, I have to end it with her. It's not fair on her.

I just have to think of a very nice way to ending it all.
Jeeze, you really don't seem to care about your girlfriend at all... where is your guilt?
You're so focused on what an incredibly pleasurable experience this whole thing has been for you, that you're not allowing yourself to be aware of the suffering and betrayal even on a basic emotional level.

I understand that you are much more attracted to (whether it is just because of the history/mystery/surprise/excitement of a foreign country or not) this girl than your girlfriend, so you just went along and did what felt indescribably great to you... but you reaaally didn't even think or care about the pain you were causing. The lack of any real sense of guilt is a bit disturbing. It's like if there was a million pounds but taking it would also stab your partner in the heart: some people wouldn't take it, some would but would feel bad... you my friend, would take it and go on about how amazing a million pounds is to have with little remorse beyond 'yeah I know it's bad - but look at all this money, look how beautiful it is!'.

That's still understandable in some ways, in others it's not. This is someone you were close to and supposedly cared about deeply for two whole years, and yet you're still not even really thinking about her. Maybe it's just because she's not there, and it will hit you when you see her? People cheat, it happens all the time for lots of reasons. Intense times in Paris with an old flame? Okay. You realise you're not right for each other and will split up? Good, there's no shame in having realised that. But the lack of guilt? Why? How?

Edit, I just saw your last replies: 5 years huh, makes more sense to me now...
In comparison, you're not close to your girlfriend, so it's like ditching a colleague to hang out with a childhood best friend and not really caring too much. Rough anyway, but guess that answers my questions.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I understand that cheating is wrong and take full responsibility for my actions and make no excuses for it, I just couldn't physically or emotionally help myself.

I'm away in France for the next 2 months on a summer job in Biarritz. On the third day I bumped into an old flame I used to see - she's spending a month here with her family. I was startled, we hadn't seen each other for over 2 years (we cut contact).

I asked her to this bar I'm semi-helping out with and we spent 6 hours together(!!) from 8pm to 2am. We didn't sleep together then.

The next day I got a text from her asking me to meet her in the city centre by the church. I headed over there and she was just jaw-dropping - white dress, beautiful hair, brilliant smile and peachy-red lipstick. We went for a walk round town and ended up at this auberge where we had lunch. I couldn't keep my eyes of her, and it seemed she couldn't too. She kept asking about what had been going on, what I was up to, that she got through to her final year at University in Paris, that her mum is finally getting better and that she had no idea why we cut contact.

By the time we left it was round 6:30pm, so we started to head back to the hotel/casino. It was quite a silent walk back I must say, but I could feel the tension between us, the looks we were making, the cute smiles...

I asked if I could sit down (I've got breathing issues from a recent illness). She sat down next to me and we ended up making out quite... passionately.

I'm not going to go into anymore details, but we did end up sleeping together.


I realise I've got to tell my GF sooner rather than later, but she's not here and I do kind of want to tell her in person so she isn't confused or whatever.

I don't know what's goingto happen between me and my old flame, but yeah...



Any sound advice?


Speak to her after her exams and spend the time between then and now thinking about how to best put it. You were completely out of line and I suggest you do not pursue the old flame anymore until things are officially over, if you have any shred of self-respect and respect for both girls.

Original post by toohottohandle
Don't say anything to your girlfriend back home. She will not understand and will dump you!


She should dump him and understand what? What is there to understand? The OP has no self-control and that's all there is to it. She is better off without him.

Original post by john2054
don't sweat it either way. these things happen. you may rekindle your love for your other girlfriend yet (the one you didn't sleep with)!


I don't quite get how you can say don't sweat it - how is this not monumentally wrong to you?

Quick Reply